A blog about cars in Aberdeen.

This is a blog about cars in Aberdeen because most people aspire to the convenience of personal motor transport, pay dearly for the privilege, provide much employment, contribute greatly in taxes, and then people expect them to ‘leave the car at home’, while their money is spent creating cycle lanes and the like for freeloading cyclists.

Thursday, 30 June 2011

The Fightback Begins. On Aberdeen's Queen's Road.

Regular readers will remember that last month we reported with fury and disbelief the upswing in recorded users of pedal cycles in Aberdeen "City and Shire". The truth these people avoid recognising is that most people aspire to the convenience of personal motor transport, pay dearly for the privilege, provide much employment, contribute greatly in taxes, and then people like cyclists expect them to ‘leave the car at home’, while their money is spent creating cycle lanes and the like for freeloading cyclists, who then don’t use them, much preferring the ‘sharing’ of pavements with pedestrians.

That's why today, we're very pleased to report that our call to arms has been heeded and that just earlier this morning, our very own rat-like double agent "Codename JannieJumbo" operating, as he does, from behind his deep cover legend as a so-called cycling "activist" left us this video in the dead-letterbox just behind the north east sponsors board on the Haudagain Roundabout.

In the video on this stretch between the Kings Gate roundabout and the Springfield Road junction, we see a variety of the drivers of Aberdeen Cars doing their very best to thwart "Codename JannieJumbo" as he tries to make progress towards the centre of the city on the main western approach from Westhill/Skene. At least two of the drivers of Aberdeen Cars attempt to force him off the road. Many of the drivers encroach upon the newly repainted Queen's Road cycle lane - demonstrating that we simply don't want our road taxes to be spent on so-called cycling infrastructure - so we'll just ignore it and demonstrate that cyclists just aren't wanted here. Also, so that a stop is put to cyclists 'sharing' the pavement, three white vans occupy the it (demonstrating that we don't much care for freeloading pedestrians either) . Pedestrians, cyclists... they're all the same - freeloaders and spongers the lot of them. They are not welcome in Aberdeen. We don't want their kind here. Why don't they just go away?



How nice it is in Aberdeen's west end - salubrious and welcoming to visitors, businesses, holidaymakers and residents all alike, as long as they're in a car or van. We're delighted to offer specific targeted praise to the following drivers of Aberdeen Cars who have helped to make it so:

1) For frightening the cyclist out of his wits with the really close pass - then encroaching the cycle lane - what skill!
Vauxhaul Astra Estate 1.4 Luxury S (oooh!) reg. P277SNM

2) For encroaching on the cycle lane:
Toyota Aygo VVTi reg. NJ60LSC

3) For occupying the cycle lane:
Hyundai Estate 2.2 CRDi "Santa Fe" (oooh!) Auto Premium (oooooh!) reg. G1GOK
The driver of this Aberdeen Car gets a special mention for demonstrating his 'Premium' status. Traffic lights mean very little to this busy individualist. why should he allow petty officialdom stupid rules like red lights stand in his way? He's busy! He's Important! He's 'Premium'! And so he's definately more capable of making up his own mind when it's safe to go or not than some automatic petty traffic control robot (the traffic lights). In any case, traffic lights should be advisory only, like speed limits, or parking restrictions already are in Aberdeen. It's great to see this busy hard-pressed motorist pushing this anti-nanny state agenda in Aberdeen. And all the while discouraging cycling! Brilliant!

Unfortunately we can't make out the plates of the PaveParking White Van Men, but they know who they are, and they get our thumbs up. Particularly the driver of Aberdeen Van "Well Plastered" (hahahah, do you see what they did there?) who deserves praise for PaveParkVertising. Fantastic!

Wednesday, 29 June 2011

PaveParker of the Week! X13KYM

The driver of Aberdeen Car Audi Q7 3.0 TDI Quattro 240 S Line (oooh!) 5dr Tiptronic (oooooh!) Reg. X13KYM is this week's PaveParker of the Week! Yippee!


The driver of this lovely car (with that extensive parade of numbers and letters in its name, signifying the driver's imporance) has shunned the other parking spaces available across Aberdeen's Abergeldie Road near to Aberdeen's Broomhill Primary School in favour of the opportunity to put his heavy SUV up on the kerb and straddle the double-yellows.

This is selfless. He is running the risk of getting a ticket from the hated wardens, so we applaud his philanthropic willingness to sacrifice a few quid in favour of the greater societal good:
  • The location is close to a primary school. Therefore, what few kids there are left walking to and from that school will have to take very extra special care when they try to cross Abergeldie Road. Our PaveParker of the Week's big Audi Q7 obscures the sightlines of both the children trying to cross and of any motor vehicle coming up the road towards them at the tee junction. This will teach the kids an important lesson. Walking to school is a very dangerous activity for losers only. For your own sake get your mum or dad to drive you there. If you're too poor for your mum or dad to have a lovely big safe car to drive you to school in - have you considered wearing a helmet? Have you considered getting social services involved? You should report your parents to them for making you walk.
  • By daintily putting his wheels up on the kerb, our selfless PaveParker of the Week is also sending out the message that the pavements are ours too - this is a statement of intent aimed politely and daintily at the few remaining pestestrians on our streets. It's well past time they got themselves a car.
  • The driver of this super big Aberdeen Car is PaveParked straddling the double-yellows in a position where he can undertake informal surveillance of his pride and joy without having to get up off of his living-room sofa as he watches TV while eating his takeaway chip supper. This cuts down on crime - what with all the common on-street parking problems these days.
  • It is a lovely big car isn't it? That's why the driver of this Aberdeen Car so loves to leave it straddling the double yellows - PaveParked where he can see it from his livingroom. It gives him a warm glow inside. As we already pointed out, in its name, this super big SUV has all those letters and numbers which make the owner's importance quite clear. Firstly, they make the owner's importance quite clear to all those around him, but secondly - and more importantly - they make the owner's importance all the clearer to him himself. This is important, for it builds on his 'cycle of confidence'. As he surveys his importance - displayed outside on the junction, on the pavement, straddling the double-yellows - the driver of this Aberdeen Car has his self-image boosted, his confidence bolstered, his rightful place in the world confirmed. This means that tomorrow - when he goes to work - he will be all the more likely to throw his (not inconsiderable) weight around and demand that his underlings 'perform' to a standard suitable for generating the economic growth which is necessary for Aberdeen "City and Shire" to lead the way in pulling the rest of UK 'plc' out of recession.

Tuesday, 28 June 2011

Monorail Solution

Recent blue-sky thinking for the future shape of economic growth in Aberdeen "City and Shire" has included all sorts of exciting, futurisic themes and schemes like high speed monorails and space-age glass domes covering the city centre. We think it's all very thrilling!

Old Deeside Line
Sustrans Route 195
at Milltimber
It has been pointed out that these ideas are, of course, in the realm of 'visions' and lack achievability. But, some pragmatic voices have spoken out. In particular, we like the fact that it has been reported that one unnamed Aberdeen and Grampian Chamber of Commerce member has suggested monorails as a "solution" to the transport linkage along the Old Deeside Line.

A solution? As some readers might be aware, the railway that sainted Beeching shut - the Deeside Line from Aberdeen to Ballater - has recently been awarded Sustrans National Route status. That means that those poor cycling and walking people and arrogant horsey people feel that they're being looked after in some way. So what "solution" could be required?

Well, it's subtle, but the logic is devastating. When people walk or cycle it costs them nothing. They get all the way to work or the shops for no extra cost whatsoever. Now, according to the RAC the average person running the average car pays about £550 per month for the privilege. And the average rate of earnings is about £11/hour. Therefore the average person works about 50 hours per month purely to own the car that they use to get them to and from work.

Sydney Monorail
Harbour to Airport
We think that this is absolutely ridiculous. The freeloading pedestrians and cyclists should be made to pay like everyone else. Therefore we think that the so-called Sustrans National Route 195 should be replaced with a high-tech expensive monorail, with ticket prices approaching but just less than those of the hated bus route which runs parallel on North Deeside Road. The monorail will therefore put the bus out of business - making more space on the exclusive prestigious North Deeside Road for the important drivers of Lovely Aberdeen Cars, and the monorail will force those who currently walk or cycle on on the Old Deeside Line to pay for their journey, as much as £10 for a return to Peterculter once the bus has been competed off the route.

That way, the freeloaders will have to work harder and for longer hours to make up the extra cost of their getting to work. And in turn, that harder work for longer hours will contribute to economic growth for Aberdeen "City and Shire". Genius! Monorail for the Old Deeside Line!

Monday, 27 June 2011

Pressure on Parking

Loving - as we do here at Aberdeen Cars - all things American, we very often read the New York Times for updates from 'across the pond'. So we were utterly horrified to read this article: "Europe Stifles Drivers in Favor of Alternatives" which details the cancer of "pedestrianization" which is creeping across continental Europe. Like us, the NYT adopts an incredulous tone in its reportage of some of the madcap antics of the Europeans:

...With politicians and most citizens still largely behind them, Zurich’s planners continue their traffic-taming quest...
The article cites a study "European Parking U-Turn Reaps Rewards", which details the growth of parking restrictions in the centres of some continental European cities and the way the way in which:

...European cities are reaping the rewards of innovative parking policies, including revitalized town centers; big reductions in car use; drops in air pollution and rising quality of urban life.
Well, thank goodness we don't have to put up with that sort of nonsense here in Aberdeen where extra new car-parking facilities in the city centre are rolled out on a continuous basis. For employees on their way to another vital day of spreadsheet-wrangling-of-national-importance in their tasteful cubicles, there's the company underground carpark. Recent developemnts at the IQ on Justice Mill Lane and Union Plaza on Union Row have seen the roll-out of well over a thousand of these employer-subsidised places, and we've noticed cheeky new underground carparks appearing on Diamond Street, Huntly Street, Langstane Place, underground Union Street (access from Union Row), Windmill Brae, The Green, Castlegate, Shiprow, Queen's Lane, John Street, Queen's Street, oh and probably other super-secret spots too. We particularly like the way that the lower-ground floor of the impressive Lloyds Register building on Union Terrace is now a car-park accessed from Diamond Street. You'd never tell from the listed Union Terrace frontage! Super-Secret!

But let's not forget about consumers! They are the source of all economic growth, and so must be coddled frictionlessly (and without going outside if at all possible) from their TV-lounge to shopping mall point-of-sale. Therefore, we're delighted to report that, since the opening of the Union Square shopping centre with it's extensive indoor multi-story parking facilities (1700 spaces - park all evening and night for just £1) there is an oversupply of covered-in consumer parking in central Aberdeen, with the variable matrix signs (strategic locations around the city centre) rarely showing less than 3000 spaces available to the all-important consumer.

We're proud and inspired that this policy of over-provision of parking space in the city centre is being pioneered here in Aberdeen - yes, that's the carrot, but we also like the stick. In order to encourage the good drivers of nice Aberdeen Cars to take those lovely cars all the way into the city centre and make use of all the high-quality new parking spaces, we note the spread of under-provision in some out-of-town shopping destinations.

For instance, at the Danestone Tesco, just take a look at these absurdly small spaces occupied by the driver of Aberdeen Car Range Rover V8 "Supercharged Autobiography" (oooooh!) reg SV60OBY, with it's 5 litre engine:




With thanks to citizen contributer "Iain" who hit the citizen contribution hot-link and emailed aberdeencars@gmail.com to provide us with this image. As "Iain" says:
An adept parking maneuver, cleverly taking up two spaces with a cheeky yet skilful diagonal placement. Perhaps an oblique (excuse the pun) comment on the absurdly small parking spaces that so-called planners are providing these days?
Yes, at first you might think this is a sinister anti-car policy. But we think that it's actually rather clever and subtle. We think that the planners know what they're doing here and that this is part of the strategy - we all want urban renewal, don't we? We all have our qualms about the growth of out-of-town shopping, isn't that so? By their provision of these absurdly small parking spaces, the town planners are looking to encourage the uptake of driving cars like these into the very heart of the city centre where there are plenty suitable parking spaces. Traffic flows in the centre of town demonstrate vibrancy and if the cars are really really nice, like this one, we can be proud to look on the busy roads of our town centre as demonstrating that ours is a city on the up-and-up. A city with "bustle". A city that's going somewhere, and knows where it's going - it's going shopping! Without wearing a coat!

More, more! Faster, faster!
That's why we look forward very much to the forthcoming City Square Project which, via the gift of comprehensive redevelopment, will contribute to the continuous improvement of the motoring environment in central Aberdeen by it's provision of several hundred new, high quality, secure, underground parking spaces in the space currently occupied by useless, hated, Union Terrace Gardens.

Some say that the gardens are not the problem, and that the Dual Carrageway should be 're-allocated' for pedestrian use, but we say: "What's wrong with you? Are you too poor to afford a nice car, then?".

If you own a nice Aberdeen Car and like driving it in the city centre; if you want to fight back against the sinister forces of roadspace re-allocation; if you just hate cyclists and pedestrians; or if you think that Global Warming is an EU conspiracy you should join our campaign to "Save the Denburn Dual Carriagway!" (Like us on FaceBook, follow us on Twitter)

Friday, 24 June 2011

"Codename JannieJumbo" shows us the urban motorway we could have had.


Nestled away at the far end of the west end of Aberdeen is a secret. A green corridor cuts through the heart of Craigiebuckler in a dead straight line from the no 16a bus terminus at Airyhall all the way to Rubislaw Park Road and then Queens Road at Hill of Rubislaw.




If you drew a straight line going west from Queens Road and kept it going straight where today it curves round to the northwest at Angusfield Lane, it would discribe this green corridor. We saw this map online somewhere:



Check it out - the underdeveloped 'green corridor' had been planned as long ago as 1949 to be the route for a thrilling high-speed radial expressway cutting Cragiebuckler in two to link Countesswells Road at Hillhead with Queens Road at Hill of Rubislaw. A huge cloverleaf interchange occupies what is today Robert Gordons College playing fields at Slopefield. And we're pretty sure that the junction with Queens Road would have been an exciting gyratory or something. Maybe even a flyover!

Some people say that these plans are "car-sick" and that they show the pathology inherent in the "centre of the car-crazy 20th century", but we think that these people aren't true Aberdonians. Now that plans are afoot to go ahead with that other long-planned radial expressway for Aberdeen - The Berryden Corridor Improvement Project - maybe the 'powers that be' will get on and build this one next. We think it'll make a lovely addition to the bypass - which is also shown (albeit closer in to Aberdeen) on the 1949 plan. The bypass is going to be a 'special category road'. That's a motorway in all but name. We can't tell you how excited we are about that.

Anyway, an orbital motorway needs high speed radial expressways to usher important consumers to city centre underground shopping destinations, so we see no reason why the "Cragibuckler Green Corridor Expressway Improvements" shouldn't be next on the agenda. You heard it here first!

Our pathetic undercover double agent "Codename Janniejumbo" shows us the route all the way from Slopefield to Bayview Road.



Towards the end of the video, Codename Janniejumbo does his usual great job of pointing out parking opportunities in the cycle-lanes of the west end. But we don't know what he's on about at the very end of the video, though. Something about "close passes"? Hilton.co.uk van RJ10AZA Audi A4 'sport' SV02ZSO Fiesta SW08NPC?

Wednesday, 22 June 2011

PaveParker of the Week! WVM Citroen Berlingo SK05YXS

Snapped on our very own "Boulevard of the North" - Aberdeen's world famous Union Street - this week's Pave Parker of the week is the WVM driver of Aberdeen Van Citroen Berlingo reg. SK05YXS. Congratulations!


By (1) doing the "double-yellow straddle", (2) parking on the pavement, and - most importantly - (3) blocking the hated cycle lane, the driver of this Aberdeen Van has pulled off "The Triple" on our grand-processional main street. As all good Aberdonians know, Union Street was built in the early 19th century and is suspended above the remains of medieval streets below by arches which make it the world's first (or second?) flyover. Shame we can't repeat that civil engineering triumph elsewhere, for instance at the Haudagain Roundabout - recently voted "the worst thing in the world" by the drivers of Aberdeen Cars - for many of us, the logic of a flyover seems inescapable.

We'd normally e-mail the driver's employees so that he can be singled out for special praise by his bosses. But, in this case, we can't, because, being a proper WVM (albeit in a little white van) there are no company markings or livery to be seen on this white van. So we can't be sure whether he's conducting business at Redline Discount World or the British Heart Foundation charity shop. It can't be the Oddbins he's in, because their business model failed earlier in the spring. Perhaps he's here to erect a "To Let or For Sale" sign.

Flashing the "exempts" in celebration - Yes! It's our PaveParker of the Week!

Tuesday, 21 June 2011

The Slow Cycling Movement

Well, of course cycling is slow. That's why it's no use for busy important people like us who have to get places quickly because they're going places! Obviously.

Ha ha ha. Yes, but that's not what we're on about here. Apparently there's a bunch of people who actually celebrate cycling slowly. We can't tell you how angry this makes us. Look at this:



Ugh. What's wrong with these people? Not only do they acknowledge how slow cycling is, but they appear to be revelling in it. That's just sick. If they were behind us in traffic we'd give them a good blast of the horn and a piece of our mind. And we'd be perfectly justified in doing so, because, if they were getting in our way, then they'd be preventing our quest for economic growth and thus jeopardising our paying of the exorbitant taxes which largely go to building their cycle lanes and paying their unemployment benefit. At least that's what the Daily Mail says.

Also, if there's one thing that really gets our goat it's people with too much time on their hands - which this bunch of jokers clearly have. When you have too much time on your hands, your mind can drift, and get all sorts of funny independent ideas. That's why it's best to keep busy and stay medicated. We notice that a large subset of those with Bipolar Disorder suffer from what's known as "Slow Cycling" Bipolar Disorder. Coincidence? We don't think so. But we don't know whether it's cause or effect...

A course of SSRI's is probably a good idea to be on the safe side for this bunch of Slow Bicycle Movement layabouts. That'll soon get them back to work and back to paying their taxes and back to frantic panicky retail therapy on a Saturday. None of which ever did us any harm.

Friday, 17 June 2011

Safety is paramount. Always wear a helmet.


We were delighted earlier in the spring when we noticed that the good old AA were giving away cycle helmets free. Yes. We were delighted because, in common with 97% of AA members, we believe that cyclists should wear helmets. Cyclists are self evidently poor people so it's nice that we more privileged sorts in cars can lend them a helping hand and show our philantrhopy in this way. Let's hope that none of the poor people felt patronised by our largesse!



So, on what they called "cycle safety day", the AA gave away free helmets and high visibility bibs to cyclists using the "Borisbikes" in London, saying:
It is envisaged that London users will keep the helmets and vests in their offices so that they are available for impromptu cycle rides in the capital.
We're delighted by this, and, because motorists are at a far greater risk of head injury than are cyclists, we've decided to practice what we preach and will be seen speeding around the streets of Aberdeen "City and Shire" wearing our motoring helmets at all times.




Davies Craig recommends you wear your Motoring Helmet at all times when motoring but particularly at the following, documented high-risk times:
  • After consuming any alcohol.
  • When other drivers are likely to have consumed alcohol especially 4:00PM to 2:00AM Fridays and Saturdays.
  • After dark and during twilight.
  • In rain or when the roads are wet.
  • During long trips when you may become tired.
  • Within five kilometres of your home or destination.
  • Christmas, Easter and long weekends.
  • If you are aged under 25 or over 60.

And, because we believe that children are the future, we recommend the use of babyhelmets at all times below the age of 9:

Wednesday, 15 June 2011

PaveParker of the Week! L33ACV

The Full PaveParking driver of Toyota MR2 GT Turbo (ooooh!) reg. L33ACV wins this weeks plaudits! Congratulations. Crossing both the cycle lane, double yellows and getting all four wheels onto the pavement outside the 'Get Your Hair Cut' barbers on Aberdeen's Holburn Street deserves special mention. The location is just beside that new-ish Old Deeside Line footbridge which the road-tax-dodging cyclists, pedestrians and horsey people use to get from goodness-knows-where to goodness-knows-where. We think that cyclists and horsey people are just showing off. God knows what they think they've got to show off about.

Sharp-eyed readers with decent memories will notice that this is not the first, nor is it the second, but this is the third time that we've spotted that this location is good for Full PaveParking. So, spread the word - the pavements on Holburn Street are fair game, they are wide open and there for you. Get Parking!

Monday, 13 June 2011

Essential Services - CHAP Construction SD05FCM

As everyone should know by now, the real estate and related construction sectors are the engine of economic growth, and Aberdeen "City and Shire" is the engine room. So we're very happy to report incontrovertible evidence of some activity in this vital sector. More to the point, we're delighted to note that this activity is being carried out with the style and aplomb which lays down a marker for the future. See CHAP construction's truck which we pictured on Aberdeen's Skene Terrace on Friday afternoon. Not only are these people building our way into the future, they're building the future the way it should be! Yes it's a bold vision of a future with no pedestrians at all. And no parking restrictions either.

See how the CHAP truck completely blocks the so-called "pedestrian footway" and forces the hapless foot-travellers onto the carriageway (for pedestrians are not economically active like what the builders are and, therefore, about these people we care not one jot). See how the truck does "The Double-Yellow Straddle" (for entrepreneurship is far and away more important than traffic regulations). Yes indeed.

Unfortunately, something which our photo cannot demonstrate is the sarcastic mockery which these builders were offering to the pestestrians who they'd forced to step out onto the road and who had the temerity to complain about the danger they've been put in on the afternoon of Friday 10th June 2011.

A quick look at CHAP Construction's website: "Raising the Standard" tells us more about these exemplary anti-pedestrian pro-economic-growth entrepreneurs and their devil-may-care certainty in their own rectitude. The website refers to CHAP's "core values": their "inspiring heritage" and their "can-do approach". That's why we feel we should offer the drivers of their truck reg. SD05FCM all the praise we can. With their exemplary display of PaveParking, PaveParkVertising, Double-Yellow Straddling and their mocking abuse of underclass pestestrians we feel that they are upholding CHAP Construction "core values". Indeed there can be no doubt that these employees of CHAP Construction are "Raising the Standard" on the roads of Aberdeen "City and Shire".

That's why we've contacted the management of CHAP Construction, suggesting that the guys who were in charge of this vehicle on Friday afternoon be singled out for special mention.

Friday, 10 June 2011

Essential Services - Eriks Industrial Distribution van YK59UJL

Eriks Industrial Distribution van YK59UJL demonstrates that PaveParkVertising is a subtle matter. Look carefully at the photo - the WVM in charge of Erik's vehicle has poised primly on the pavement at the bottom Aberdeen's Grey Street, at its junction with Holburn Street. Two wheels up on the kerb - just because!

"Know-how makes the difference"

Indeed, Erik's has the "know how" to PaveParkVertise. Impressive

We had a look at Erik's website:
Why not ask ERIKS to undertake a Needs Analysis Survey to identify your potential and prioritise your opportunities? Then ERIKS can help you achieve your objectives and realise your advantage.
We might just do that.

Thursday, 9 June 2011

AA Bicycles? WTF?


We can only assume that this is a bad joke (it looks like a photoshop job to us) and that the AA website has been attacked by black-hat hackers.

Link
Apparently, AA cycle patrolman Vince Rodriguez says:
I love bikes and helping drivers get back on the road - as an AA cycle patrol I'll have the best of both worlds. Make no mistake, I'm still there to fix breakdowns. But by getting on my bike I can cut straight to the chase: in tight-packed traffic two wheels are faster than four ... Pedal power will get us in quicker to fix the problem and get everyone moving again.
Let us hope that Vince does not similarly vocally mock stricken motorists to their face once he arrives on site to fix their problems.

Wednesday, 8 June 2011

PaveParker of the Week! SV06LEU

Congratulations to this week's PaveParker of the Week! Using the pestestrian build-out on Aberdeen's Broomhill Road, the driver of Aberdeen Car Vauxhaul Astra Hatchback 1.6i 16V "Life" (oooh!) Reg. SV06LEU demonstrates that his journey is vital to the economic future of Aberdeen "City and Shire".



Yes, by crossing the double-yellows and butting right up against the "No Parking At Any Time" sign, the clever driver of this Aberdeen Car shows us he knows that, being special and important, it is up to him (or her) to decide where and how to park. He or she knows that the pestestrian build outs are actually demand-responsive emergency parking bays, set aside for the busy motorist to use if the exigencies of his or her busy lifestyle or work-of-national-importance demand it.


We were very excited when we noticed that this demand-responsive emergency parking bay had been pressed into use by the driver of this very nice Aberdeen Car. We must assume that they were on a mission the outcome of which would dictate the success or otherwise of the economy of Aberdeen "City and Shire" and therefore that of UK plc as a whole.

We hope it turned out OK!

Tuesday, 7 June 2011

The pro-motoring "Aberdeen Citizen"


From "Amsterdamize"
Not the sort of thing
we want to see here!
Last week, we came over all worried and insecure about the prospect of cycling reaching a 10% modal share by 2020. This, because of an 18% year-on-year increase in the number of cycling journeys undertaken in Aberdeen, puts cycling on track to achieve continental-style levels within a frighteningly near time-span. Shortly, if we're not careful, getting around in Aberdeen "City and Shire" will be a journey through an urban transport landscape resembling that of Copenhagen, Amsterdam, Barcelona, New York, Portland, Tallin or Vancouver, not to mention Vienna or Malmö Lund.

If you can steel yourself to click those links you'll see lots of happy, fit, foreign people of all ages efficiently getting around on inexpensive-looking and old bikes. These people have confusingly different styles and bafflingly different outlooks on life which are difficult for us to immediately read - we can't tell what sort of attitudes they have, for they have no car to tell us what sort of people they are. Chilling. We comfort ourselves with the thought that they're probably all quite poor, poorer than us, anyway. If they weren't poor, they'd have a car, wouldn't they? Stands to reason. Also, none of these people are fat. That just confirms how poor they are.

To us, it looks like these foreign cyclists all have too much time on their hands. And they look as if they're enjoying it! Disgusting! Not the sort of thing which is at all suitable for Aberdeen "City and Shire"; carefree and whimsical ways of getting about are in stark contrast to our very serious grown-up attitudes to transport as we sit frowning in grim concentration behind the wheel; safely strapped to our chairs in extreme comfort in our cozy, locked metal boxes; fretting about our schedules and our overdrafts. As we wait in line at the Haudagain roundabout, we can judge our position in the socio-economic hierarchy simply by reading the marque-badges of the vehicles in the congestion queue around us. This either fills us with smug satisfaction (for our boot-lid sports more of the letters and numbers which make us feel important), or spurs us on to greater efforts of boss-flattery and money-go-round hamster-wheel spinning in our 50 hour-week cubicle-jockey spreadsheet-wrangling professional life.

That's why we were so happy when we saw that the Aberdeen Citizen freesheet had cleverly managed to put a pro-motoring anti-cyclist spin on its reportage of the 18% year on year increase in cycling numbers in Aberdeen:


"Tiring, dangerous and uncomfortable", the masochists in clown outfits are easy to despise, particularly as they are jeopardising the work to repair the potholes. Apparently.



We applaud the Aberdeen Citizen for making cycling look dangerous and masochistic, making cyclists look stupid and making cycling advocates look like freeloading dogs-in-mangers. This will increase motorists righteous indignation against cycling and cyclists and so lead to more combative road use by motorists which will, in turn, dissuade cycling. Result!

That way we can stay angry, fat, aggressive, selfish, self-righteous, stressed and expensive in our nice cars. Comforting.

Monday, 6 June 2011

An Unexpected Boost. From the Edinburgh Bicycle Co-operative

We saw one of those back-of-a-bus adverts the other day as we went about our lawful business on Her Majesty's highway driving up and down Aberdeen's Union Street. The advert was for the Edinburgh Bicycle Co-operative (ugh!). We couldn't get a photo at the time as we were using the phone to text our stockbroker, so we found this on the web... (It's got much the same content as we saw stuck to the back of the bus)


We are most pleased to note that the Edinburgh Bicycle Co-operative have made a critical strategic error in their cloying needy wish to promote cycling. Yes. The error they have made is to assume that we motorists want to save money! Hahaha! Nothing could be further from the truth.

Yes; it's true that, whenever there's a petrol-tax-hike or cost increase because of record oil prices, there we are motorists-in-solidarity on-the-forecourt being interviewed - happy to be seen venting about paying "more than enough" to the edited-in noddy-shots of the cub reporter sent out to do his easy-peasy hack-work boilerplate on we "hard pressed" motorists who are "beleaguered".

Yes; it's true we love to complain - because in that complaining we get to boast about how much money we spend on our nice cars. Yes, our cars and their costs show that we are cash-rich and time-poor: the very badges of importance! The last thing you would want would be to have too much time on your hands! That's time which could be spent making money, that money in turn to be spent on getting a nicer car!

Yes; we roll our eyes and moan bitterly, but if you look closely... you'll see that our eyes are actually smiling - laughing even - with self-regarding relish. We like to show off - to display how much we're capable of spending in order to keep the show on the road - it makes us look important, affluent and - yes - busy. We have to be extra-busy to pay for the ever-increasing extra costs of motoring! And what could be more important than that?

Yes; the ever-increasing costs of motoring give us the chance to perform a Darwinian status-display dance. From the young contract engineer using his soft-top roadster as a fanny-magnet to the yummy-mummy piloting her vast Range Rover Vogue like an oil-tanker around the centre of town - higher fuel costs merely serve to enhance our status in the tribe - the tribe of the road.

So what the Edinburgh Bicycle Cooperative have failed to take into account in their mis-firing ad campaign is the fact that motoring in Aberdeen "City and Shire" is now a Veblen Good; the more expensive it is, the greater its attraction - motoring here is now the high status distilled essence of aspiration itself; motoring in Aberdeen makes you look rich, important, high status and sexy. The Edinburgh Bicycle Co-operative advert just confirms that cycling is for people who can't afford to drive - people sliding down the social scale. poor people, unimportant, low-status losers who don't work hard enough and have too much time on their hands.

Now who would want to display that?

Friday, 3 June 2011

A Great Idea from the Good Ol' U S of A

Here at Aberdeen Cars, we like America. We specifically like Houston, but we like all of America and all things American. That's why we like this; the PedFlag:

PedFlag is the name of a programme in Kirkland, Washington (on the west coast of the US) which places orange or yellow flags at crosswalks to help pedestrians gain the attention of drivers. With the aid of the brightly colored flag that can be held out in front of the pedestrian and/or waved, the pedestrian is better able to attract the attention of the driver sooner by becoming more visible.

You see, we're not monsters. We don't want to hurt pedestrians - oh no. We just want them to know their place and to feel lesser than us. The PedFlag is a sure fire way of achieving just this. There's this video:



"Take it to make it". Heh. We like that - the implication being, of course that if you don't "take it" you might not "make it" because then you'll be fair game and it won't be our fault if we run you over. In pioneering Kirkland WA (home of the PedFlag) there were 62 people run over in a year. But as the cop in the video says: "Of those 62, none of them were carrying a flag - it stands to reason: people who are carrying a flag aren't getting run into".

So, we want to see this introduced for Aberdeen "City and Shire". PedFlags on some street crossings. And pedestrians don't get to cross the road unless waving a flag.

Thursday, 2 June 2011

Aberdeen Needs A Bypass for SW10BCU and W201HSS



The above video demonstrates that so great has traffic volume become in the city centre and so intense has the pressure become on the drivers of Aberdeen Cars to provide the necessary economic growth to lead UK plc out of recession that somethings gotta give!

And yes, we can actually understand and sympathise with the pestestrians who we're told feel intimidated when a busy important motorists bend the rules just a little like this, when the "green man" (who he?) is about to come "on". We can only sympathise a little bit, though, because these people only have themselves to blame. If only they were cleverer, worked harder, had more money, were nicer etc, then they could have a nice car and feel all safe and prioritized at Holburn Junction.

Yes we have sympathy (although our sympathy is evaporating a little with each frown, each flap of the hands, each arrogant gesture from these people - why don't they just get their act together and get a car?). Ideally, cars should stop at red lights. But, when there is no by-pass round Aberdeen, there is no alternative but to jump red lights when commuting. That is simple fact.

Which leads us to hope that these self same moaning arrogant pedestrian people are not among the ranks of people who are opposing and delaying the AWPR with court orders and other such nonsense.

If they are, I have a simple message: You can’t have it both ways!

Either you help expedite a by-pass, or you have to accept red light jumping in the city centre. As demonstrated by the drivers of Aberdeen Cars SW10BCU and W201HSS.

Wednesday, 1 June 2011

PaveParker of the Week! X266OES PaveDRIVER!


Yes indeeeeeddddyyy! Congratulations to the driver of Aberdeen Car Renault Clio Hatchback "Special" (oooooohhh!) EDS 1.2 "MTV" (super-cool!) reg. X266OES.

Demonstrating where pedestrians should go in the Aberdeen road use hierarchy (i.e. bloody nowhere) the driver of this Aberdeen car demonstrates Full PaveParking and Bollard-Thwarting skills on Aberdeen's Pitstruan Terrace. Impressive.

But, more to the point and the reason for this weeks premium award to the driver of this Aberdeen car is the demonstration of an advanced skill which we notice that he or she must have used to reach this point on the so-called "pedestrian footway"- yes:

PaveDRIVING tm


We're delighted to report that we think you can expect to see a lot more of this type of thing on the pedestrian footways of Aberdeen "City and Shire" over the coming weeks, months and years as the race for economic growth heats up and as every single piece of urban space is used to help ensure traffic flow - the very font-spring of sustainable economic growth.

That's why it's important that all our readers join in our campaign to save the Denburn Dual carraigway from the clutches of the sinister forces of reallocation. Yes Save the Denburn Dual Carriagway ('like' us on FaceBook, 'follow' us on Twitter)