Monorail Solution

Recent blue-sky thinking for the future shape of economic growth in Aberdeen "City and Shire" has included all sorts of exciting, futurisic themes and schemes like high speed monorails and space-age glass domes covering the city centre. We think it's all very thrilling!

Old Deeside Line
Sustrans Route 195
at Milltimber

It has been pointed out that these ideas are, of course, in the realm of 'visions' and lack achievability. But, some pragmatic voices have spoken out. In particular, we like the fact that it has been reported that one unnamed Aberdeen and Grampian Chamber of Commerce member has suggested monorails as a "solution" to the transport linkage along the Old Deeside Line.

A solution? As some readers might be aware, the railway that sainted Beeching shut - the Deeside Line from Aberdeen to Ballater - has recently been awarded Sustrans National Route status. That means that those poor cycling and walking people and arrogant horsey people feel that they're being looked after in some way. So what "solution" could be required?

Well, it's subtle, but the logic is devastating. When people walk or cycle it costs them nothing. They get all the way to work or the shops for no extra cost whatsoever. Now, according to the RAC the average person running the average car pays about £550 per month for the privilege. And the average rate of earnings is about £11/hour. Therefore the average person works about 50 hours per month purely to own the car that they use to get them to and from work.

Sydney Monorail
Harbour to Airport

We think that this is absolutely ridiculous. The freeloading pedestrians and cyclists should be made to pay like everyone else. Therefore we think that the so-called Sustrans National Route 195 should be replaced with a high-tech expensive monorail, with ticket prices approaching but just less than those of the hated bus route which runs parallel on North Deeside Road. The monorail will therefore put the bus out of business - making more space on the exclusive prestigious North Deeside Road for the important drivers of Lovely Aberdeen Cars, and the monorail will force those who currently walk or cycle on on the Old Deeside Line to pay for their journey, as much as £10 for a return to Peterculter once the bus has been competed off the route.

That way, the freeloaders will have to work harder and for longer hours to make up the extra cost of their getting to work. And in turn, that harder work for longer hours will contribute to economic growth for Aberdeen "City and Shire". Genius! Monorail for the Old Deeside Line!

North Deeside Road Parking Lane

Once again, we see an excellent example of the considerate nature of the drivers of Aberdeen cars.

Here, on North Deeside Road, close to Pitfodels Station Road, we see that the compassionate driver of silver-grey Honda CRV Diesel Estate 2.2 iDTec EX 5dr reg. H14 ABM has decided that the cycle lane is far too dangerous for cyclists to use, and has rightly deemed it to be far better a place to park than to ride a bike.

Any cyclist coming along and facing this sight would be left re-evaluating his transport choice - he would either have to cycle on the pavement (which isn't allowed) or move out into the 'taxpayer lane' where he would get in the way of important VIP taxpayer cars. Yes, the hapless cyclist would be forced to have a bit of a re-think about why he thought it was a good idea to cycle around the place anyway - getting in the way and showing off like that.

Everyone knows that the roads are far too busy to cycle on; far too busy with important people going about in their cars, contributing to economic growth and supporting the exchequer. Roads are not a playground, free for people to do-as-they-please and indulge their hobbies.

And, everyone knows that cycling is highly dangerous anyway, so by taking the matter into his own hands and discouraging this fringe minority hazardous activity, the clever and important driver of Honda CRV reg. H14 ABM has actually made the roads much safer. You see, now, it's not a "cycle lane", it's a much needed (and free) "parking lane" for road-tax payers only.

It's David Cameron's "Big Society" in action, right here, in Aberdeen!

And it's marvelous!