A blog about cars in Aberdeen.

This is a blog about cars in Aberdeen because most people aspire to the convenience of personal motor transport, pay dearly for the privilege, provide much employment, contribute greatly in taxes, and then people expect them to ‘leave the car at home’, while their money is spent creating cycle lanes and the like for freeloading cyclists.

Monday 28 February 2011

Off-road Segregated Cycle Facilities

Our undercover agent - Codename JannieJumbo - has been beavering away under deep cover, active within Aberdeen's so-called cycling activist 'community' documenting how our hard-earned road-taxes are being diverted, being spent on high-quality facilities for the tax-dodging cyclits and pestestrians.

In this video which he left for us to pick up in his dead-letterbox drop behind the verdigris smeared pipes in the third cubicle along of the derelict Union Terrace Gardens toilets, he shows that our petrol-tax money is being spent on a pleasant leafy cycletrack which runs past the headquarters of the Total Oil company in Altens.

The provocative irony that petrol-using motorists' tax contributions should be spent on cycling facilities which skirt the campus of one of the great petrol companies is not lost on us. That's probably why they've wisely invested so much on the security measures highlighted in the video - like hard-pressed drivers of Aberdeen Cars, the oilco's themselves feel embattled, put upon, besieged by cyclits and pestestrians.

Still, at least when Codename JannieJumbo arrives at Wellington Road to use the Toucan Crossing he is forced to wait while the significantly more important motor-vehicle users roar busily past on their way to create yet more vital economic growth for Aberdeen "City and Shire". Everyone knows that cyclits and pestestrians are far less important to the local economy than motorists. That's why it is gratifying to us that even their much-vaunted 'cycling and walking infrastructure' hammers home this fundamental point. These people simply do not count.

Friday 25 February 2011

Cycle Lane Use in Rosemount

They spend all our Road Tax and Petrol Tax on Cycle Lanes and Advance Stop Lines and Toucan Crossings the like, and then you hardly ever see these facilities being used!

It really is regrettable when this happens, but we're pleased to say that the people of Rosemount Viaduct in Aberdeen's cosmopolitan City Centre are making great use of the texturecrete denoted cycle lane which is protected by "At Any Time" parking restriction with double-yellows and everything.

They own bikes, d'you see?

You see, all you need (like the drivers of these Aberdeen Cars) is to own a bicycle (it might be your young daughter's 'Barbie-brand' tiny pink trike with the sparkly streamers flowing from the handlebars which has been sitting at the back of the garage since 2003), and then you can use the Cycle Lane for whatever purpose you please! We think. It's a bit like TV licenses - you buy one TV license and you can have as many TV's in the house as you like. Similarly if you own one bike, you can use the cycling facilities any way you please. Spread the word.

Thursday 24 February 2011

Going Stockholm in the City Centre

We've mentioned in the past that we're getting a bit worried about our deep cover agent "Codename JannieJumbo" who provides us with intelligence from deep within the 'cycling activist fraternity' in Aberdeen "City and Shire". We think he has "turned". To the dark side.

In this latest video which he's provided us with, he's seen speeding through the City on his bicyle much faster than any tax-paying car could manage. In the video, our so-called agent traverses the entirity of the city centre, from Queens Cross to the Castlegate in 5 minutes flat!

We don't think this is fair. The bus/bike lanes should be abolished at once and made available for hard-pressed tax-paying motorists to use. After all, we paid for 'em!

Wednesday 23 February 2011

PaveParker of the Week! J13LDK

Congratulations to this week's PaveParker of the Week!

Yummy Mummy driver of Aberdeen Car BMW X3 2.0 "Sport" (oooh!) reg J13LDK chooses to use the double-yellow-straddle PaveParking technique while her passenger pops into Union Terrace's Blackbird Bakery. (Motto: "Cupcakes and More!")

She'll just be a minute, so rather than use the controlled-parking bays, where she might feel obliged to pay the robot-overlord parking meter (hiding behind the bin) charges for parking in Aberdeen's prestigious, salubrious, aspirtional West End, she has rightly flicked on her hazards "exempts", showing everyone that she has absolutely no intention of paying for her right to park as close as possible to the points where she supports the local economy by spending money on luxury items.

After all, those cupcakes are expensive enough!

Tuesday 22 February 2011

Enemy of the PaveParker? - Norman Baker

Parking on the pavement - PaveParking is a necessary "tool in the box" for Aberdeen "City and Shire" and the drivers of Aberdeen Cars who are tasked with the onerous responsibility of leading the UK out of the grim dank valley of recession and towards the sunlit uplands of economic growth.

PaveParking: Pro-growth.
By exercising our right to park on the pavement we are demonstrating the sure knowledge that unimpeded traffic flow, encouraging more cars onto more roadspace, is the only way to ensure this much-needed growth.

That's why we were horrified to read that our supposedly pro-business Government is actually nothing of the sort, what with Junior Minister Norman Baker (who is, after all a LibDem) now allowing councils to "use their powers to prevent parking on the pavement when it is a problem".

Baker: Anti-growth. Anti-Aberdeen
Well, obviously, we would question whether parking on the pavement is ever "a problem", rather it is, quite obviously, a solution. But secondly we can only express our horror and revulsion at this return of the nanny state; trying to order us about and tell us what we can and can't do. That's not what we expected at all from this Government at all!

But wait, we think we can see what's going on here - being a LibDem he is pandering to his base with this policy which seems, at first sight, to be nothing less than War on the Motorist anti-car agitation. But, this government is a slippery customer! See how they offered up the "easy win" straw-man by back-pedaling on selling off those forests? Well, we think we can see what they're doing here. It's those words: "when it is a problem". That would be a subjective judgement in each case. Yes, these are called "weasel words" and provide plenty of wriggle room. By issuing his edict, Baker seems comes across as quite the yoghurt-knitting sandal-wearing bearded liberal, and so placates his electorate, but by providing a "get-out" he renders his own encyclical practically worthless. Subtle! Brilliant!

There is, also, a second ray of hope for the important drivers of Aberdeen Cars. Mr Baker's writ runs only in England. We must hope that here in Scotland, home of the Enlightenment and the birthplace of Capitalism, our politicians will over the next few months be far too busy tearing lumps out of each other in the election campaign for the Scottish Parliament to be bothered noticing this piece of nonsense from our Imperial Governors Down South. Not that it means anything anyway.

We fight for our rights!

Monday 21 February 2011

Yet More Road Closed Misery! War On The Motorist Conducted by Sinister Robot Army!

Oh the frustration! It's absolutely ridiculous that the driver of this Aberdeen Car is prevented from continuing his or her journey from Woodside's Deer Road onto the A96 trunk road at Great Northern Road. Goddam bollards!

Actually, it's more than frustrating and ridiculous. It's sinister. We have recently been subject to botnet-generated bollard-promoting spam, which made us think. These bollards, these 'pestestrian safety' measures, these closed roads and everything. It's all being done by a Sinister Artificial Intelligence Robot Army which seeks to enslave the drivers of Aberdeen Cars by robbing us freedom of movement in the mode of transport of our convenience and free choice.

So if you want to join our campaign to stamp out bollards: 'The Anti-Bollard League' and put an end to Road Closed Misery you can report these sinister mobility restrictions imposed upon you and your lovely car to our crack team of pro-motoring commentators at the hyper-modern Aberdeen Cars control centre. We'll do the right thing by exposing these outrages! We'll expose the Robot Army Bollard Botnets!

All you have to do is take a photo of the outrage, then click the e-mail CitizenContributer hot-link to the right and report it to us by emailing aberdeencars@gmail.com - we'll do the rest!

Friday 18 February 2011

Aberdeen Cycle Chic. Disgusting.

What is wrong with this picture? We have identified 5 major problems which rock the foundations of reality in Aberdeen "City and Shire".

Did you see them? Here you go...
  1. The young woman cycling appears to have not a care in the world; she is wearing an expression of mild serenity as she listens to the wailing wheech drone skirl of the bagpiper in the background. This is wrong; she should of course, be miserable, what with her not being in a nice car and all.
  2. She is occupying the Advanced Stop Box (or whatever it's called - you know, that red tarmac bit for the pole position driver at the lights, so that that driver can properly anticipate the changing of the lights and roar away at red-amber). She is there all by herself, it not being occupied by other more important ordinary people in their lovely cars. We ask why not? They paid for it with their extortionate road-tax after all! 
  3. Her bike looks old, inexpensive, slow and comfortable. It has mudguards and a strong step-through frame. It's not a mountain bike (hardcore, dangerous, expensive) or a racer (hardcore, uncomfortable, expensive). Indeed, her bike looks ordinary, affordable, utilitarian and even a bit 'dowdy'. This does not fit with the aspiration agenda of Aberdeen "City and Shire". Don't get us wrong, we've got nothing against the right bicycle in the right place: We can understand that cycling in the summer is a nice, pleasant family pastime. In the public park, for instance, and well away from busy important traffic. You put your expensive clean (very important) mountain or racing bike on a rack on the tailgate of your Range Rover and drive to your chosen cycling recreational venue. Then you cycle round and round for a bit, then you put the bike back on the rack and drive home. A lovely day out, a holiday or weekend hobby. Cycling has no place in everyday life in the city centre.
  4. The young woman is dressed in a studenty bohemian style with an accent hat and idiosyncratic trouser/sock combination. She is drawing attention to herself and rubbing the noses of the beleaguered tax-farmed hard-pressed busy important motorists-in-a-hurry in her tax-free transport mode and care-free lifestyle. This is not right. She should be forced to conform, 
  5. If she insists on not-driving, she should, of course be forced by mandatory compulsion to wear both a cycle helmet (very important - this is where they will display the registration numbers we want them to wear) and high-visibility day-glo plastic clothing. Only by putting all these subversive non-motoring elements into this humiliating and clownish uniform will we be able to identify them quickly and easily - to flush them out - when the time comes for their re-education. This re-education will usually take the form of peer-pressure insistence on getting a "nice wee car".  
So yes, 5 things wrong. We're worried that things are not quite going the way they should in Aberdeen "City and Shire", photos like the one above send out all the wrong messages. We're worried that this photo might fall into the wrong hands and be used to promote some sort of old-fashioned idea of how attractive Aberdeen might be for tourists, students, artists, young people, bohemians, hippies, vegetarians and other weirdos; what with friendly non-motor accessibility to the city centre, the unique monumental granite statuary, our city centre's charming Victorian sunken park at Union Terrace Gardens, the busking piper etc.

That would be quite wrong. Everyone knows that what attracts tourists and creates economic growth is dual carriageways, like the one pictured below, which will soon extend all the way to where the photo of our bohemian cyclist above was taken:

In any case, we don't much like bagpipes anyway, and look forward to the day when the soothing roar of traffic, speeding on its way to create economic growth for Aberdeen "City and Shire" drowns out their hellish skirl.

    Thursday 17 February 2011

    More Cars on More Roads Leads To Rome

    While some misguided commentators call for Aberdeen to adopt a Northern European model of traffic management, we here at Aberdeen Cars call for a more nuanced approach. You see, the greenie hippies and other War on the Motorist crusaders are always banging on about global warming and trying to make hard-pressed motorists feel guilty about getting about using the transport mode of their convenience and free choice.

    Well, firstly, let us point out that anyone who lives in Aberdeen "City and Shire" would be perfectly reasonably within their rights to think that a bit of warming would be a good thing. Particularly this winter! Brrrr!

    So if global warming is real (which it isn't! - everyone knows it's just an excuse to tax Britain's beleaguered motorists more and more!) and the climate heats up, we should expect more Mediterranean-style weather. Therefore, we should adopt Southern European models for traffic management - as pointed out in this illustrative, educational and inspiring photograph taken by Bill, Other Aberdeen's Foreign Correspondent, reporting from the streets of Rome.

    Dateline Roma

    Bill submitted his report by clicking the CitizenContribution hot-link to the left of the page and e-mailing his copy to abedeencars@gmail.com And for that we thank him very much.

    As this plucky foreign corespondent's reportage states, both cars in the picture are parked, it was getting near the end of the day and some of the cars had moved off making this parking position look all the more innovative. Note the zebra crossing, the drivers of both cars didn’t - and why should they? The road-space in Roma is rightly theirs to do with as they please.

    An interesting aspect of this photo is the so-called 'smart parking' by the Smart Car. At Aberdeen Cars we don't really like smart cars, we think that they are the thin end of a very big environmental wedge. So we're pleased to see the proper car - the 4x4 - blocking it in and teaching the Smart Car's driver an important lesson: "Ooops, sorry, we thought your car was just a bollard. Or maybe a bin."

    Wednesday 16 February 2011

    PaveParker of the Week! G3PPS

    They say that schooldays are the happiest days of your life. Fun, companionship, the making of lifelong friends all combined with the foundation of knowledge that stands us in good stead throughout our journey through life.

    That's why we were so pleased to see extra-curricular lessons in life being taught very close to Aberdeen's Broomhill Primary School on Broomhill Road.

    Yes indeed, the driver of Aberdeen Car Land Rover Freelander 2.0 "Freestyle" (oooh!) reg. G3PPS is quite the philanthropist and has a special interest in the correct development of our young folk in Aberdeen "City and Shire".

    This worthy winner of our PavePlarker of the week accolade is being sure to teach the children this invaluable lesson:
    "Walking to school is for losers; cars have precedence, even on the pavements. When you're old enough, you too will be able to stamp your superiority on the streets of Aberdeen "City and Shire" by getting yourself a nice car and parking it wherever you like." 

    Tuesday 15 February 2011

    PaveParking on Cragie Loanings - Citizen Contribution

    Citizen Contributor 'Ben' clicked the hotlink at the right of the page, sending an emergency e-mail to aberdeencars@gmail.com which alerted us to this appalling state of affairs just off Aberdeen's Cragie Loanings.

    'Ben' says:
    This was taken on the Craigie Loanings one way lane, leading onto Rosemount Place. It's a narrow road, as is the pavement, but MW08WVB has a lot to learn from SJ53NZU about proper PaveParking.
    Indeed, 'Ben' and thanks for the Citizen Contribution!  The driver of Aberdeen Car Saab 9-3 Sport (oooh!) reg. MW08WVB is letting the side down and not getting out of the way of the traffic flow as well as he should. His PaveParking is what we call 'slight'.

    Further along the lane the driver of Aberdeen Car BMW 530i reg. SJ53NZU shows how it is done. Right over the kerb. Makes the pestestrians think about their 'life choices'.

    Monday 14 February 2011

    More Obstacles

    Regular readers will know that we've covered the parking options outside the Co-op on Holburn Street once or twice before. Or maybe even three times.

    Anyhow, over the last few weeks, in competition to the Co-op, a new 'not normally manned' Tesco Metro outlet has opened on the neighbouring site once occupied by legendary hardware store The Colour Box. A concerned citizen contributer got in touch and asked us to explain the function of the bollards which have since appeared on the pavement outside the new Tesco.

    It's obvious to us that the bollards are a disgusting anti-motorist measure placed there as a sop to the filthy hippy vegitarians which the Tesco hopes to attract away from the pinko communist hive of the Co-op next door. These dangerous bollards intimidate the blameless and beleaguered hard-pressed tax-farmed motorist by threatening (as we've covered very recently) to scratch his lovely car should he attempt a PaveParking maneuver, which is, of course, the right of the motorist, particularly in Aberdeen where we are in the vanguard of providing the necessary economic growth which will pull the whole of the UK out of the doldrums.

    At least we see the other legitimate use for pavements (other than PaveParking) being well demonstrated in the photo. Yes. Pavements are for bins. Fact.

    Friday 11 February 2011


    Awful. Really disturbing.

    A new phenomenon stalks the pavements of Aberdeen. A danger, an imposition. It's a dreadful inconvenience and we'll do everything we can to make sure it's removed.

    Yes, the first example shows an inappropriately placed bollard on Aberdeen's Albyn Lane which has prevented the driver of Aberdeen Car Peugeot 106 XL reg. P815SNP from using the pavement to facilitate his or her desire to PavePark in the usual manner. This disgusting bollard has actually damaged the wing of this nice car, thus rendering it less nice. It's a disgrace.

    The second example shows an inappropriately planted sapling tree on the pavement of Aberdeen's Broomhill Avenue. (Trees! On an avenue! Imagine!) This disturbing and unwelcome addition to the urban environment has prevented the driver of Aberdeen Car Renault Megane Scenic 'Expression' (oooh!) reg. MW55UBS from making best use of the pavement for proper PaveParking. Not only that, the tree has inconsiderately blocked the rear passenger door. This is really dangerous, as any rear passenger will now have to exit direct into the carriageway, where any passing motorist will be perfectly within their rights to mow them down. Moreover, trees attract dangerous insects and rodentia and often drip corrosive sticky sap onto innocent, clean, nice cars, thus rendering them less nice.

    Something must be done!

    Thursday 10 February 2011

    Essential Services - AJ60FGA

    We were both delighted and a little bit miffed to see this sight on Aberdeen's Holburn Street.

    We'll deal with the downside first. The van is marked "PAVEMENT PARKER". This is not right, and risks what copyright lawyers call 'passing off'. The correct term is "PaveParker". You might recall from our prefatory post on the subject "An Introduction to PaveParking in Aberdeen". Remember? In that post we established that the correct format is:
    (Note the corporate-style italicisation, capitalisation and trademark superscript)
    From which would follow:

    Any White Van Men (WVM) who in future would wish to display their traffic-flow-friendly credentials by similarly emblazoning their van with PaveParker livery should get in touch using the e-mail link up to the right. We can supply official decals for a large value-added fee.

    But, on to the upside. This WVM - a satellite dish installation engineer - is fully committed to economic growth in his use of the pavement as a station for his vehicle as he provides Essential Services to the residents of Holburn Street. By crossing the double-yellows and getting out of the way of other busy important drivers of Aberdeen Cars and WVM who're busily and importantly going about their lawful business on Her Majesty's highway, this clever PaveParking WVM helps keep the traffic flowing - and as we all know, efficient and swift traffic flow - more cars on more roads - is the only way we can ensure a prosperous future for Aberdeen "City and Shire" once the oil runs out. Also, by keeping the traffic flowing, it cuts down on pollution, keeping even the meanie-greenie naysayers nice and happy.

    And, not forgetting, this WVM is providing an Essential Service in fixing up satellite TV reception for hard-working Aberdonians, who, after a hard day slaving over their oil company spreadsheets, fully deserve to slump in front of the plasma, can of continental lager in one hand, readymeal in the other, placid and conditioned, blasted vapid and vacant by long working hours and ready to be implanted with whatever messages the advertising funded media so thoughtfully provide for us in so entertaining a way:

    "Go Compare, Go Compare"
    "Any Any Any Any"

    When we learn these phrases by rote, ready to unquestioningly regurgitate them as a substitute for interpersonal discourse, then we can rest comfortable and assured that our conformity will be complete, we'll no longer be troubled by the nagging thought: "is that all there is to life?" The voice that says that something is missing in our life, that there must be more.

    By PaveParking on his way to perform his Essential Satellite TV Installation Service, the WVM is helping the people of Aberdeen realise that we shouldn't expect too much from life and, yes, that really is all there is. He is helping to ease our troubled minds with soothing, reassuring, friendly TV which tells us that all we need is "things"; a new car, this year's model; all we need is a new PC, ipod, holiday, and then our life will be complete.

    Thank God for WVM.

    Wednesday 9 February 2011

    PaveParker of the Week! SP02XYA

    This week's PaveParker of the Week was spotted in the city's Seafield Avenue:

    The driver of Aberdeen Car Citroen C5 Estate reg. SP02XYA gets this week's plaudits. Congratulations!

    What particularly drew our eye to this example of Aberdeen's characteristic parking style were the facts that:

    1. Seafield Avenue is a residential road - not really a through road for traffic.
    2. Seafield Avenue is quite wide
    What this shows us is that this driver has "gone beyond" the usually expedient reason for PaveParking - the fact that it allows swift and efficient traffic flow, thus boosting much needed economic growth. This isn't a busy road, and it's nice and wide, so why has the driver of this Aberdeen Car decided to PavePark?

    Well, the clue is in the picture. Can you see? Yes, that's right, the young mother pushing her baby in the buggy. She's just been to the city's famous Johnstone Gardens. On foot! Bloody Hell!

    This, of course, sets a very bad example to junior. By walking to a destination where leisure activity can be undertaken free of charge, this misguided young mother is not contributing to economic growth. Far better (and safer) were she to load junior into a nice car and drive to the park. Better still if mum were to leave junior at home (away from weirdos with cameras) in the care of a paid-for childminder while she drove to the shops and spent some money. If she doesn't have any money, she should work harder, or she could borrow some from Wonga.com 

    Then she wouldn't feel like an outsider. Meantime, every instance when she has to steer junior's buggy around a PaveParked car her alienated status as an economically inactive and inadequate outsider, different and suspect, is reinforced in her own mind. And in ours!

    So, congratulations to you, driver of Aberdeen Car reg. SP02XYA, you are PaveParker of the Week for adding to the alienation of pestestrians - just because you can!

    Tuesday 8 February 2011

    Correct Street User Hierarchy: Demonstration Attempt by SV02ETU

    We have noticed that in the unfortunately ongoing War on Motorists, Scotland has become "Travel-Plan-Daft-Land" where all attempts are made to force cars to the bottom of a supposed "road user hierarchy", below pedestrians, cyclists, public transport etc etc.

    In the newish Scottish Government Policy Document "Designing Streets" (pdf) the needs of the hard-pressed motorist are all-but ignored, subsumed beneath the lesser transport modes, all in the name of promoting "a sense of place" and "liveable streets" . Whatever that means.

    Thank goodness the down-to-earth drivers of Aberdeen Cars are too busy creating economic growth to worry about such flim-flam. Here, this video (shot using the handlebarcam of our undercover agent - Codename JannieJumbo - embedded deep within the naysaying cycling community) shows the driver of Aberdeen Car Seat Ibiza reg. SV02ETU establishing the correct hierarchy of road users: Cars before bikes!

    We are, however, getting a bit worried about Codename JannieJumbo. As shown by the footage at the tail-end of the video, he appears to be falling prey to Stockholm syndrome.

    Monday 7 February 2011

    A Very Dangerous Situation.

    We really were horrified to see this. This really is a disgrace, something must be done. We were so worried by this sight on Aberdeen's Victoria Street that we felt we had to document it.

    Yes, that little old lady is dangerously close to touching that beautifully customised Mitsubishi Warrior pickup reg DG10FFZ. This risks scratching or otherwise damaging it, thus rendering it less nice.

    The driver of this Aberdeen Car is clearly already hard-pressed; the costs of maintaining such a vehicle are considerable and the price of fuel has reached record highs recently. Something's got to give, and long-suffering motorists all over the country are forced to make tough choices. In this case, our research shows that the legendary tight-fistedness thrift which is famously part of the local character has manifested itself in the driver of this vehicle deciding that it's most probably OK to do without motor insurance. And so this vehicle is not insured (not appearing on the Motor Insurance Database when we checked). Such sacrifices are tough but necessary in these austerity times, and we admire the driver of this Aberdeen Car for his or her thrift and selflessness. Well done!

    But we must ask, is it fair that - as well as everything else - this already put-upon driver of an Aberdeen Car should have to worry about rogue old-folks touching their car? Several questions present themselves:
    1. Should the elderly (who are often unsteady on their feet) be allowed out in the west end of Aberdeen where they might easily damage innocent uninsured cars?
    2. Should the pavement be completely removed from Victoria Street? After all, it only encourages them!

    Friday 4 February 2011

    Queen's Road Parking Lane - A "Record Breaker"!

    They say you need "dedication" if you "wanna be a Record Breaker".

    Recently, one of the contributers to mothership and inspiration "Bristol Traffic" contacted us and threw down the gauntlet by drawing our attention to one of their posts: "Stokes Croft World Record Attempt". Their post shows 6 (six) cars making good used of a cycle parking lane in Bristol. We were impressed.

    But not wanting to appear weak at the time, we scoffed, and said that the innovatively important drivers of Aberdeen Cars would show the necessary dedication to surmount the marker laid down by their colleagues in Bristol. After all, the oil-drilling drivers of Aberdeen Cars are engaged in Work Of National Importance. We asserted that the pioneering paveparkers of Aberdeen Cars would pull off what we call "The Triple" - Cycle Lane, Double Yellows AND paveparking. We boasted that these Bristolian amateurs have got a lot to learn from their hard-as-nails northern cousins in the Oil Capital of Europe, who know a thing or two about economic growth.

    And so we were absolutely delighted to be proven right. Here on Aberdeen's upscale, aspirational Queen's Road as it rounds the Hill of Rubislaw, 10 (ten), yes 10 (ten) drivers of Aberdeen Cars have shown their dedication to the one true transport mode by making best possible use of the cycle parking lane.

    Not only that, the driver of lead vehicle, an "Essential Services" white van reg SE03ZJX from property bubble boom speculation investment company "Platinum Villa" has done as we always said the drivers of Aberdeen Cars could: Yes, he has "pulled off The Triple". Cycle lane, double yellows and pavement.

    Actually, he also earns extra credit for PaveParkVertising and parking close to a fire hydrant. O the dedication!

    We feel an almost paternal sense of pride.

    Thursday 3 February 2011

    The Multi-Tasking Drivers of Aberdeen Cars

    Whereas some cyclits in other parts of the world complain bitterly about their drivers talking on the phone while driving, like this:

    In Aberdeen, that's just childsplay to our advanced drivers and so common it doesn't warrant a mention. Talking on the phone while driving is for wimps! Photography while driving is the way ahead!

    In this first instance, by way of illustrating his desire for more and faster roads, a fellow pro-motoring blogger has used his phone to take this photograph illustrating a dangerous situation unfolding in the traffic in front of him. We admire both his advanced driving skill and selfless courage!

    Talking on the phone while driving? Childsplay!
    This driver of an Aberdeen Car uses the phone to take photos while driving!
    And here, this driver of an Aberdeen car has used a high-resolution digital camera to capture this artistic image from behind the wheel:


    Wednesday 2 February 2011

    PaveParker of the Week! SY06ZZN - Grampian Society for the Blind

    Congratulations to our PaveParker of the Week - Grampian Society for the Blind's community outreach vehicle Ford Focus Galaxy 1.9 TD Ghia (oooh!) was spotted on Aberdeen's Salisbury Terrace.

    You might expect that volunteers for this charity for the visually impaired would be all handwringingly against PaveParking - choosing politically correct pandering to their "clients" over the necessity to get out of the way of the traffic. But, thank goodness that's not the case: Here the driver of Grampian Society for the Blind's Aberdeen Car shows they know that allowing efficient traffic flow will ensure the future of economic growth for Aberdeen "City and Shire" - possibly allowing the creation of yet more Oil Tycoons who might then just maybe donate to the charity as a conscience soothing salve to the insecurity and paranoia which is a price worth paying for riches beyond imagination.

    You can see that the volunteer driver knows all about these priorities, he or she has "flipped the wingmirror" (which is cool) on the traffic side so as not to scratch any nice Aberdeen Cars (which would risk rendering them less nice). Conversely, the wingmirror on the pestestrian side remains unflipped. Quite right too! Make them wriggle and squirm past. And Woe Betide Them if they touch your nice car!

    Tuesday 1 February 2011

    W237RGE: "This Road is for CARS, Not Perverts".

    An intriguing video submission from our undercover agent, embedded deep within the Aberdeen cycling activist advocacy "movement".

    In the footage, the driver of Aberdeen Car Landrover Freelander Station Wagon reg. W237RGE makes a full and clear statement of his rights. These include:
    1. The exclusive right to the road, which is "for cars".
    2. The right to drive at speed directly at the users of other modes of transport who must at all times "give way to a car".
    3. The right to drive at any speed, regardless of road conditions.
    4. The right to indignantly dismiss the safety concerns of users of non-car modes of transport.
    5. The right to suspect anyone who is not in a car of being a predatory sex-pervert, and to accuse them of such.
    It is of no consequence that the Land Reform Scotland Act of 2003 granted a statutory right of responsible access to paths like these throughout Scotland. It matters not a jot that this track is a local-council designated and waymarked outdoor access "Core Path" for pedestrians, cyclists and horse-riders. It is not apposite that this road is used daily by cycle-commuters, pupils on their way to and from school, old folk enjoying the outdoors, dog-walkers exercising their pets and teen delinquents on minimotos - about these people we care not a jot.

    That a statement of rights so complete, so concise and so correct that we believe it to be comparable in quality and importance to the US Declaration of Independence and Bill of Rights should come from the mouth of the driver of an Aberdeen Car fills us with immense pride. Whadda guy!