A blog about cars in Aberdeen.

This is a blog about cars in Aberdeen because most people aspire to the convenience of personal motor transport, pay dearly for the privilege, provide much employment, contribute greatly in taxes, and then people expect them to ‘leave the car at home’, while their money is spent creating cycle lanes and the like for freeloading cyclists.

Thursday, 24 February 2011

Going Stockholm in the City Centre

We've mentioned in the past that we're getting a bit worried about our deep cover agent "Codename JannieJumbo" who provides us with intelligence from deep within the 'cycling activist fraternity' in Aberdeen "City and Shire". We think he has "turned". To the dark side.

In this latest video which he's provided us with, he's seen speeding through the City on his bicyle much faster than any tax-paying car could manage. In the video, our so-called agent traverses the entirity of the city centre, from Queens Cross to the Castlegate in 5 minutes flat!

We don't think this is fair. The bus/bike lanes should be abolished at once and made available for hard-pressed tax-paying motorists to use. After all, we paid for 'em!


  1. Impressive. and you didn't break any rules of the road (except going through the flashing amber light before the pedestrains had finished crossing). If only all cyclists in Aberdeen did likewise. (And wore hi-vis in the frequent dark.)

    How long did you cut out for sitting at the Peckhams lights?

  2. Yes, we want all cyclists to wear hi-vis at all times, by mandatory compulsion. Their registration numbers and insurance details could be stenciled on the back. Only by putting all these subversive non-motoring elements into this humiliating and clownish uniform will we be able to identify them quickly and easily - to flush them out - when the time comes for their re-education. This re-education will take the form of peer- and family- pressure: "now, don't you think it's high time you got yourself a nice wee car".

  3. Alternatively, you could have lights that were as visible as car lights? Vast improvements in last decade, but believe it or not, I would rather not collide with a cyclist. (It would damage my nice car) :)

    So glad you brought up registration numbers....

    Or should we remove them from cars?

  4. Do away with registration numbers from cars? Of course not! What then would we do with our prestige "cherished plate" which demonstrates our status and high self-regard?

    We like your idea about cyclits having to use expensive "special" lights. All ideas for new barriers (special equipment, permission, licenses insurance and the like) to put in the way of mass cycling uptake are welcome. Do you have any more?

  5. Plenty!

    How about a cherished plate for the back of your head? As a compromise?

    If only I didn't have to pay vehicle tax, I could afford a dashmounted camera to help you film the 'correct' way to drive and ride bikes.

    I'd even wear it when I'm forced to be a rebellious pedestrian. Why oh why can't wwe drive right into the shopping centres?

  6. Thankyou for your latest anonymous comment!

    Well, we pity the poverty-stricken pestestrians and cyclits. We don't think that they're generally "rebellious". They're just poor, they must be, because otherwise why wouldn't they have a lovely car? Their poverty is manifold, for not only are they clearly impecunious, but also, when two men pestestrians get together, what do they have to speak about? They can't even talk about golf, because you can't golf if you don't have a car.

    So no, we don't think that they're generally "rebellious" as you would have it, although some unhinged lunatic fringe individuals clearly are. Rather, they trouble us for they subvert the normal way of things by reminding us that not everyone is as fortunate as we, and this disturbs us. But it spurs us on to drive about a bit more, creating more much-needed economic growth which will then (via the trickle-down effect) help the poor non-motoring classes to "get themselves a lovely wee car". Then they won't feel "left out" (which they surely do as they observe our lovely cars and cherished plate prestige) and we won't feel affronted and ashamed by being forced to humiliate them as we speed past checking the latest oilprice on the CrackBerry as Aberdeen "City and Shire" reaps the benefits of unrest in the Middle East (it's an ill wind...) See, we want the best for everyone!

    You say you have "Plenty!" of ideas for helping to stamp out cycling, but you've disappointingly only provided us with one, please feel free to use the CitizenContribution Hotlink at the top-right of the page to drop us an emergency e-mail with all your other ideas and we'll pass it on to our crack team of traffic engineers and imaginary auditors for vetting and then, who knows?, maybe you'll get your very own headline on "Aberdeen Cars"!

    A word of caution, though, we were a bit shocked when you suggested a "cherished plate for the back of your head". Did you mean some sort of surgical modification for these poor unfortunates? We would baulk at that. We're not monsters.