PaveParker of the Week is WVM KS11FVX

Yahay! Congratulations to this week's high-vis clad White Van Man Paveparker of the Week who we spotted demonstrating Full PaveParking outside the newish IQ office building on Aberdeen's "Historic" Jusice Mill Lane. As shown in the photo, the driver attempted to engage with us about the award, but we ignored him, in order to maintain our lofty impartiality when considering the award.

The IQ office complex has a generous loading bay and underground car-park, but - as the WMV demonstrates as he mounts all 4 wheels of his van reg KS11FVX onto the pavement - clearly not generous enough! Special mention is given to this driver for flashing the 'hazards' 'exempts' while on the pavement. We admire this belts-and-braces approach, though we considered docking PaveParking points because he hasn't "flipped the wingmirrors".

PaveParker of the Week! Wannabe WVM in B&Q hire van BJ11FVN

It's been a few weeks, but at last the PaveParker of the Week is back! And, what's more, it's back in one of the "City and Shire's" favoured paveparking spots - Aberdeen's "historic" Holburn Street, just below the new-ish bridge on the Old Deeside Line former railway track path.

Yes, this week's PaveParker is a wannabe WVM. You see, it's not really his or her white van, it's on hourly hire from B&Q. But, this confers an advantage, for this wannabe WVM is not only demonstrating the gentle art of FULL PaveParking, but is also showing the advanced skill of PaveParkVertising too. Brilliant.

Also worthy of note is the fact that this clever PaveParker wannabe WVM has crossed the cycle lane, crossed the double-yellows and used the dropped kerb of the pedestrian refuge crossing to enable the PaveParking maneuver. Graduation to full WVM status cannot be far off!

PaveParker of the Week! PaveDriver and Bollard-Thwarter WVM TN07RNS

There used to be a TV ad for the Ford Tansit van: "Backbone of Britain" was the tag-line. The ad's not been on for a few years now - but we were heartened to see that WVM is keeping up the "Backbone of Britain" tradition on Aberdeen's Holburn Street. That's where we spotted this week's PaveParker of the Week - the White Van Man driver of Ford Transit TN07RNS gets this weeks award for teaching the layabout underemployed pestestrians (or "odd footpeople", as we now like to call them) a damned fine lesson.


Extra credit is due to our WVM PaveParker for also demonstrating a bit of PaveDriving and a hint of Bollard-Thwarting, all the while extending the empire of the motorised into the impoverished hinterland of the odd footpeople. Let's wipem out! Yeah! Now that the count-down's under way to the start of work on our exciting thrilling new orbital motorway, let's be sure and have no-one walking the streets of "The Granite City" when it opens to traffic in 2012, 2015, 2019, 2025.

Wrong Way? Huh? www.citysprint.co.uk AF52DDZ

www.citysprint.co.uk

Nothing can stop the brave WVM couriers of Aberdeen "City and Shire" - without doubt they are the new Samurai of the Road! Making up their own rules, they exemplify our certain knowledge that the economic growth embodied in the delivery of stuff is much more important than long-standing road-safety conventions such as one-way streets and no-entry signs.



We have contacted citysprint.co.uk to be sure that the driver of their van AF52DDZ is singled out for the special management attention he deserves.

Essential Services - Eriks Industrial Distribution van YK59UJL

Eriks Industrial Distribution van YK59UJL demonstrates that PaveParkVertising is a subtle matter. Look carefully at the photo - the WVM in charge of Erik's vehicle has poised primly on the pavement at the bottom Aberdeen's Grey Street, at its junction with Holburn Street. Two wheels up on the kerb - just because!

"Know-how makes the difference"

Indeed, Erik's has the "know how" to PaveParkVertise. Impressive

We had a look at Erik's website:

Why not ask ERIKS to undertake a Needs Analysis Survey to identify your potential and prioritise your opportunities? Then ERIKS can help you achieve your objectives and realise your advantage.

We might just do that.

Essential Services - Grouptyre/Kenway Tyres van SV03CZX

Here's our undercover agent "Codename JannieJumbo" cycling about maintaining his legend as an 'activist' within the so-called 'cycling community' in Aberdeen. This time, he gets taught a valuable lesson by the white van man driving the Grouptyre Van SV03CZX on Aberdeen's Great Western Road.

According to the Grouptyre website, they offer "an unrivalled delivery" service.



Woooh! Dramatic! "Unrivalled!"

That'll have left an impression on "Codename JannieJumbo" and that's for sure! Of course, the drivers of Aberdeen Cars know that the lesson which "Codename JannieJumbo" is being taught is all about priorities:
Cars have priority; Grouptyre/Kenway Tyres exist to service the needs of car drivers. So what's a cyclist doing on the road? He should be in the park, or on a cycletrack or something. And we bet he wasn't even wearing a helmet.

Absurd Speed Limits

During the ceaseless work we've been doing on behalf of the campaign to save the Denburn Dual Carrageway ('like' us on FaceBook, 'follow' us on Twitter) - thus saving Aberdeen's heritage as the last town to give in to the green spin that that urban dual carriageways are not an unalloyed good - we've discovered a few disturbing facts that we didn't know before...

By far the most disturbing thing we've found out is that there is a 30mph speed limit on this stretch of road. This is just weird. Why isn't the limit 50?

At least this WVM seems to be traveling at speed as he engages in work of
national importance on our Heritage Dual Carrageway.
We want to see much more of this.

Another example is North Esplanade West, by the Dee river between Victoria Bridge and the Queen Elizabeth Bridge.

From the North East Safety Camera [sic] Partnership (NESCAP):

These are some of the roads in Aberdeen which are dual carriageways but still have a 30mph speed limit. Please note that this list is not exhaustive:

• North Esplanade West
• Market Street (Trinity Quay to Victoria Bridge)
• Virginia Street
• Commerce Street
• East North Street
• West North Street
• Beach Boulevard
• Causewayend
• Ellon Road (from Bridge of Don to North Donside Road
• Wellington Road (from QE2 Bridge to its junction near Greenwell Rd)
• Great Northern Rd (from Printfield Walk to near Deer Rd)
• Auchmill Rd (through Bucksburn )

It's no small wonder that the Denburn Dual Carriageway is so woefully underused when this arbitrary and absurd upper speed limit is put on the responsible drivers of Aberdeen Cars who are in the best position to decide what's a suitable speed to be driving at. We say abolish the limit and let the motorist decide - that'll soon get our heritage roads used to their full potential delivering eager shoppers to our city's prime retail real estate to generate some much-needed economic growth (and get some 'retail therapy' into the bargain!).

There's one crumb of comfort in the NESCAP statement: "These are some of the roads in Aberdeen which are dual carriageways but still have a 30mph speed limit...". Yes. It's that use of the word "still". This suggests that even speed-camera boosters NESCAP agree with us that 30mph is old-fashioned and should be phased out. Their use of the word "still" suggests that this too is their aspiration. After all, they are drivers of Aberdeen Cars too, aren't they?

PaveParker of the Week! WVM reg. BK51WXU

This week's PaveParker of the Week is White Van Man (WVM) in charge of little Citron White Van reg BK51WXU



This WVM is doubtless engaged in Essential Service Work of National Importance (as are they all) and demonstrates two aspects of PaveParking which are important skills to master for the professional driver.

1. As Full as Possible PaveParking. The pavement isn't big enough for the van. But he's done his best, and this is worthy of note. Well done WVM!
2. Straddling the double yellows. Note that the double-yellows are so eroded on Aberdeen's granite-cobbled Bon Accord Lane as to be barely visible. This means that any parking fine will be unenforceable. Probably.

Top technique!

Essential Services - AJ60FGA

We were both delighted and a little bit miffed to see this sight on Aberdeen's Holburn Street.



We'll deal with the downside first. The van is marked "PAVEMENT PARKER". This is not right, and risks what copyright lawyers call 'passing off'. The correct term is "PaveParker". You might recall from our prefatory post on the subject "An Introduction to PaveParking in Aberdeen". Remember? In that post we established that the correct format is:
PaveParking^tm
(Note the corporate-style italicisation, capitalisation and trademark superscript)
From which would follow:
PaveParker^tm

Any White Van Men (WVM) who in future would wish to display their traffic-flow-friendly credentials by similarly emblazoning their van with PaveParker livery should get in touch using the e-mail link up to the right. We can supply official decals for a large value-added fee.

But, on to the upside. This WVM - a satellite dish installation engineer - is fully committed to economic growth in his use of the pavement as a station for his vehicle as he provides Essential Services to the residents of Holburn Street. By crossing the double-yellows and getting out of the way of other busy important drivers of Aberdeen Cars and WVM who're busily and importantly going about their lawful business on Her Majesty's highway, this clever PaveParking WVM helps keep the traffic flowing - and as we all know, efficient and swift traffic flow - more cars on more roads - is the only way we can ensure a prosperous future for Aberdeen "City and Shire" once the oil runs out. Also, by keeping the traffic flowing, it cuts down on pollution, keeping even the meanie-greenie naysayers nice and happy.

And, not forgetting, this WVM is providing an Essential Service in fixing up satellite TV reception for hard-working Aberdonians, who, after a hard day slaving over their oil company spreadsheets, fully deserve to slump in front of the plasma, can of continental lager in one hand, readymeal in the other, placid and conditioned, blasted vapid and vacant by long working hours and ready to be implanted with whatever messages the advertising funded media so thoughtfully provide for us in so entertaining a way:

"Go Compare, Go Compare"
"Any Any Any Any"
"Simples!"

When we learn these phrases by rote, ready to unquestioningly regurgitate them as a substitute for interpersonal discourse, then we can rest comfortable and assured that our conformity will be complete, we'll no longer be troubled by the nagging thought: "is that all there is to life?" The voice that says that something is missing in our life, that there must be more.

By PaveParking on his way to perform his Essential Satellite TV Installation Service, the WVM is helping the people of Aberdeen realise that we shouldn't expect too much from life and, yes, that really is all there is. He is helping to ease our troubled minds with soothing, reassuring, friendly TV which tells us that all we need is "things"; a new car, this year's model; all we need is a new PC, ipod, holiday, and then our life will be complete.

Thank God for WVM.

Essential Services - SP58YNL

As everyone knows, White Van Man (WVM) is truly the Atlas upon who's shoulders our hopes for economic growth rest. And speaking of rest, this WVM is taking a little well-deserved time out to eat a sandwich and read his newspaper of choice. Le Figaro, it is we think. Probably


Now, in these pressing economic times, we are reminded of Gordon Gekko's famous eighties exhortation: "Lunch is for wimps!". This means, of course, that if the future of economic growth rests on your shoulders, you must not take any time out, ever. So what's going on here? Why is WVM lollygagging around, while the future affluence of Aberdeen "City and Shire" is in jeopardy?

But, don't worry, everything's OK. A little circumspection shows, this WVM is multi-tasking. While enjoying his snack and intellectual stimulation, he has also PaveParked his white van reg. SP58YNL to the fullest possible extent in this location in Aberdeen's Willowbank Mews. This promotes efficient traffic flow, which is the fountainhead of economic growth and prosperity. It also discourages non-contributing pestestrians from venturing out into the urban realm.



Not only that, but his GPH Builder's Merchant sack is also multi-tasking: Firstly it is promoting the company GPH Builder's Merchant (sort-of PaveParkVertising), and secondly it is blocking the dropped kerb. This sends a very important message to wheelchair users, mobility scooter riders, the elderly and to mothers with buggies: you are not economically active, stay indoors, we don't want to see you - leave the outside world to important people. Note that WVM also flashes his hazards (or "exempts") to draw the attention of the economically inactive to this indispensable lesson and his valuable example.

Who'd have thought that WVM could achieve so much while sitting still?!

Essential Services - Drain Surgeon SP09XJL

Most drivers of Aberdeen Cars are High Net Value entrepreneurs of some type or another, and one great way to make extra unearned income is via Buy-to-Let (BTL), which has proven very popular in the city during our Long Boom. 

You just buy a tenement flat, ram in some room dividers then cram it full (B&Q sell triple-bunk beds) of students, nurses, care-workers, immigrant waiters, young professionals priced out of property ownership etc etc. You get the idea. House of Multiple Occupancy (HMO) landlord licenses go through on the nod; they never bother checking on the adequacy of water supply, drainage, ventilation etc. And, indeed, nor should they: "Let the Market Decide!" That's our rallying cry.

So, there's nothing worse than when your ungrateful HMO tenants block the toilet with their egregiously over-ample excretions or inappropriately disposed-of ladies' items. Honestly, can't these people wait until they're at work or uni and use the toilet there? Rather that than incur wear and tear and damage on our HMO Buy-to-Let entrepreneur's capital. So inconsiderate.

It's just as well that the pavements in Aberdeen's West End (where the preponderance of HMO's are located) are wide enough to accommodate the Essential Services "Drain Surgeon" van reg. SP09XJL, so often is he summoned to relive the pressure at this HMO.

We are impressed by the "Drain Surgeon"s entrepreneurial flair. Not only is he making the best of this prime opportunity for PaveParkVertising but also he is potentially creating extra business for himself by weight-loading the soil and run-off drain pipes which run under where he has PaveParked his van. Clever.

We also like the name "Drain Surgeon". (Do you see what they've done there?) But nothing, of course, can compete with this famous cherished plate from the same sector:

Essential Services - BT Openreach FG54CHV

We're delighted that Aberdeen Lochnagar Exchange is doing so well in BT's "Race to Infinity"! At the time of writing, with 17 days left to go, 1.71% (193 votes) of the total votes have been cast for the main exchange in Aberdeen to be upgraded to superfast fibre-optic broadband. Only 11,093 more votes needed and the "Oil Capital of Europe" might get the chance to enjoy connection speeds almost as good as most places in continental Europe!



We reckon that once the fibre-optic broadband is installed, you won't even need to go out of the house, ever, for any reason; not to go to work, not to go to the shops, not to go to pubs or nightclubs or concerts or anything like that ever again. We'll live in a utopian sci-fi world of complete fibre-optic participation and delivery. It'll be like that that bit in Logan's Run when Jenny Agutter pops out of the wall on "circuit". I bet it'll be just like that. We'll still want to use our cars, of course, for leisure purposes; we'll want to go out gunning the engine and aggressively burning rubber and running red lights when teasing Agguter turns us down like she did to Logan in the film.

In the meantime, preparation work for this utopian future continues apace and, as these engineers show during some "Essential Service" work in Aberdeen's ever-popular Ferryhill area, it's easy to get used to the idea of never walking around ever again.

Yes, these BT OpenReach engineers who arrived in their Ford Transit FG54CHV, PaveParkVertising the BT OpenReach fibre future, certainly didn't expect anyone on Ferryhill's Fonthill Terrace to be using the pavements! Why would they?

Philanthropic Parker - WVM G3 TLC

We mentioned in other posts that the compassionate motorists of Aberdeen often do their best to make things safer for cyclists and pedestrians whenever they can. But do they get any recognition for this? Do they heck! That's what we're for at Aberdeen Cars. That's what we're all about.

So we were delighted to notice another example of a motorist trying to show cyclists the error of their ways on Aberdeen's prestigious, upscale Queen's Road. The Transit Van is, of course, the 'Backbone of Britain' and we all know that their drivers - the WVM (White Van Men) are generally the busiest, most productive and important members of the business community what with all that delivering very important stuff and picking up very important stuff all day long. They are performing Essential Services. Nothing should ever get in their way. Nothing. Ever. 

So, it was heartwarming to notice this WVM, the driver of white (or is it dove grey? difficult to say) Ford Transit G3 TLC taking time out from performing his essential and indispensably important round to teach the misguided cyclists an important lesson. The lesson is this: Cycling is dangerous.

The unsuspecting hippy cyclist, his head full of unrealistic expectations of peace and love and loveliness and carbon-neutral vegetarianism has no idea how much danger he's putting himself in on his way to sign on or attend sociology lectures or whatever, pampered and cosseted as he is in his useless cycle lane. So it's up to the important economically active motorists, with the WVM in their vanguard (geddit?)  to show the way - to show how to be a proper road-user. 

The WVM ably demonstrates this by parking in the Queen's Road cycle lane (or "parking lane" as it should be called) just around the corner on the fast downhill section travelling from west to east around the Hill of Rubislaw - that'll surprise the cyclists as they whizz down and round the corner! That'll shake them out of their smug self regard! Note how the WVM has left his Transit in reverse (see the lights) sending the unmistakeable message salvo - Get out of my way! Even if you're behind me! I can't see you, but I'm coming anyway!

The cyclists are educated by the dilemma that WVM puts them in: they must either enter the tax-payer lane - thus getting in the way of the more-important-than-them VIP motor traffic - or use the pavement. Which isn't allowed.

So much easier just to get a car! And so fit in with the rest of society.