Dangerous Cyclist Forces Innocent Motorist SC59NHG to Risk Wing Mirror Bump

Deep within the so-called "cycling activist movement" in Aberdeen, our double-dealing double-agent lurks behind his deep-cover legend: "Codename JannieJumbo" - providing us with timely dispatches from the front-line of the ongoing war on motorists.

As part of his duties, "Codename JannieJumbo" left us this video in the dead-letter dropbox in the dress circle of the HM Theatre.



Oh for goodness sake! Did you see that? The reckless cyclist's behaviour on Aberdeen's Abergeldie Road was so poor that it not only did it cause the driver of that lovely Lexus IS reg. SC59NHG to break the speed limit, attempt an overtaking maneuver at an inappropriate location, execute that maneuver recklessly, ignoring the poor road conditions and the other motorist getting out of his parked car ahead, but it also forced the driver to risk getting a scratch on his nice 'obsidian' paintwork as he squeezes past. How awful! We notice that the Lexus driver was forced to actually 'flip the wingmirrors' using the power-assist option on this premium upscale vehicle in order to facilitate his vital overtaking maneuver.

"But - hold on!" we hear you exclaim. "What was it that was so reckless about this cyclist's behaviour? - I've looked at the video, and the cyclist seems to have done nothing wrong..." And that's true up to a point, but then, what you'd be forgetting is that cyclists do not pay Road Tax. This means they have no right to be on the road.

PaveParker of the Week! X13KYM

The driver of Aberdeen Car Audi Q7 3.0 TDI Quattro 240 S Line (oooh!) 5dr Tiptronic (oooooh!) Reg. X13KYM is this week's PaveParker of the Week! Yippee!


The driver of this lovely car (with that extensive parade of numbers and letters in its name, signifying the driver's imporance) has shunned the other parking spaces available across Aberdeen's Abergeldie Road near to Aberdeen's Broomhill Primary School in favour of the opportunity to put his heavy SUV up on the kerb and straddle the double-yellows.

This is selfless. He is running the risk of getting a ticket from the hated wardens, so we applaud his philanthropic willingness to sacrifice a few quid in favour of the greater societal good:

• The location is close to a primary school. Therefore, what few kids there are left walking to and from that school will have to take very extra special care when they try to cross Abergeldie Road. Our PaveParker of the Week's big Audi Q7 obscures the sightlines of both the children trying to cross and of any motor vehicle coming up the road towards them at the tee junction. This will teach the kids an important lesson. Walking to school is a very dangerous activity for losers only. For your own sake get your mum or dad to drive you there. If you're too poor for your mum or dad to have a lovely big safe car to drive you to school in - have you considered wearing a helmet? Have you considered getting social services involved? You should report your parents to them for making you walk.
• By daintily putting his wheels up on the kerb, our selfless PaveParker of the Week is also sending out the message that the pavements are ours too - this is a statement of intent aimed politely and daintily at the few remaining pestestrians on our streets. It's well past time they got themselves a car.
• The driver of this super big Aberdeen Car is PaveParked straddling the double-yellows in a position where he can undertake informal surveillance of his pride and joy without having to get up off of his living-room sofa as he watches TV while eating his takeaway chip supper. This cuts down on crime - what with all the common on-street parking problems these days.
• It is a lovely big car isn't it? That's why the driver of this Aberdeen Car so loves to leave it straddling the double yellows - PaveParked where he can see it from his livingroom. It gives him a warm glow inside. As we already pointed out, in its name, this super big SUV has all those letters and numbers which make the owner's importance quite clear. Firstly, they make the owner's importance quite clear to all those around him, but secondly - and more importantly - they make the owner's importance all the clearer to him himself. This is important, for it builds on his 'cycle of confidence'. As he surveys his importance - displayed outside on the junction, on the pavement, straddling the double-yellows - the driver of this Aberdeen Car has his self-image boosted, his confidence bolstered, his rightful place in the world confirmed. This means that tomorrow - when he goes to work - he will be all the more likely to throw his (not inconsiderable) weight around and demand that his underlings 'perform' to a standard suitable for generating the economic growth which is necessary for Aberdeen "City and Shire" to lead the way in pulling the rest of UK 'plc' out of recession.

SnowParking Roundup

Now that the festive season's over, and the snow and ice have cleared, it's time to take a moment to find out what lessons the drivers of Aberdeen Cars can learn from weather like this. I bet the clever entrepreneurs of Aberdeen can turn this to their advantage!

Parking Restrictions. Frozen! Hoora!

PaveParking is of course something that the drivers of Aberdeen Cars do as a matter of course anyway. Particularly in the upscale West End of the city. However, during the winter months, the clever PaveParkers of the West End provide an extra benefit by actually saving our hard-pressed council precious funds. You see, the PaveParkers actually prevent the gritting and clearing of pavements all over that prestigious district. This is People Power. This is the Big Society: We don't want or need the pavements to be gritted, so we use the means at our disposal to prevent it.

Indeed, why should our council devote precious resources to subsidising the unimportant feckless road-tax-dogding pestestrians? These freeloaders infuriate us with their refusal to contribute to economic growth and pay their way; pay their share with road tax, petrol tax, extra VAT, parking charges, and all the rest. These pestestrians are unimportant, they do not deserve our subsidy. If they were important, they'd be able to afford a nice car, and wouldn't need to waste the council's money on having the pavement gritted, or indeed maintained in any way.

The clever PaveParkers of Aberdeen Cars are doing us all a favour by showing these pestestrians just where they stand in the socioeconomic pecking order, and by freeing up precious roadspace so that the infinitely more important, hard-pressed, busy, clever and responsible motorists can enjoy the benefits of better traffic flow, which, as everyone knows, is the predominant source of economic growth and prosperity.

So, PaveParking is to be encouraged whenever possible. But those new to PaveParking mustn't get carried away. Please don't go too far, the pestestrians might "CarriageWalk".

Pavement? What Pavement?

If the snow conceals the double yellow lines, that means you can park wherever you like. Close to junctions, on the zig-zags, wherever. The No Parking signs don't count when there's snow on the ground. Obviously.

So. Let's look forward to more snow during the remainder of the winter. We just love the parking free-for-all which it implies for the drivers of Aberdeen Cars.

Snowparking - Let's Not Be Complacent Out There.

Perhaps emboldened by our Essential Services post last week when we pointed out the fact that delivery drivers can safely ignore pestestrian crossing zig-zags when they are covered in snow, the driver of MG Rover ZT-T 180 Sports Estate reg. SW05VBT has thrown caution to the wind and parked immediately beneath the "NO PARKING - At any time" sign at the top of Aberdeen's Abergeldie Road. The double-yellow lines are obscured by the snow, you see?

Maybe he thought the sticker on the sign meant it didn't count?

Or maybe his actions were motivated by self-preservation - the pavements are very slippy. Yes, the council knows that economic growth comes from cars and cars alone, flowing unimpeded around Aberdeen at all times. The roads must be cleared at all costs and kept open at all times so that the cars can flow. Only losers are ever seen walking any distance, so - quite rightly - none of our hard-earned council tax is wasted on clearing the pavements when it snows. Therefore, by parking so very close to the junction, the driver is perhaps enhancing his safety (and also prestige) by minimising the distance he must walk. And quite right too. Safety is prestigious.

All of which makes it all the more infuriating that the heartless Community Warden has sought out our hapless snow-parker and punished him. Who'd have thought that these hawk-eyed busybodies would be working when the weather is so poor? Not the put-upon parker of SW05VBT and not us at Aberdeen Cars either. We were shocked!

Booked! While its actually snowing!
That's not fair!

Generally, when the weather goes bad, we'd always thought that (like on Saturday morning or all day on Sundays) parking became a free-for-all in inner Aberdeen and that when the snow falls particularly badly, all parking regulations are suspended for personal safety and economic growth reasons. So the fact that this hapless parker has been booked when there's snow on the ground is a horrifying development. It's yet another example of how hard-pressed motorists, already tax-farmed by central government, are being treated as just another revenue-raising cash cow by our local authority. It will act as a brake on economic growth if VIP wealth-generating motorists are not allowed to express their entrepreneurial flair by using the smallest excuse to grant themselves a license to park where and when they please.

And it's a disgrace.

And we thought that RNUC members were exempt.

RNUC: "It is about good companionship and a sense of belonging in a dignified atmosphere,
where old traditions have meaning and value, because they have been tested and retained."

Old traditions, like parking wherever you like.