Cycle Touring Club CTC Grampian Is On Our Side.

We know, surprising - isn't it? The Cycle Touring Club (CTC) pro-cycling activist pressure group, on our side? Well, we're delighted to report that yes they are.

As part of our distasteful duties as vigilant advocates on behalf of the drivers of Aberdeen Cars, sometimes we have to look at the material which these groups disseminate. Ugh! It's a nasty job, but we're happy to do it on behalf of all the sensible people who drive nice cars around Aberdeen "City and Shire". We were looking at the CTC Grampian webpages today, and were delighted by what we saw.

Here's the 'newsletter':

PDF here

Note the whimsical name 'Cycle Clips'. Note the extensive use of the whimsical "comic sans" font, note the use of an authoritative yet whimsical chatty tone and note the whimsical 'pub genius' punning. From time to time in the past the editor has strayed off-topic altogether to show us badly-faked spoof photos of unrelated whimsical stuff he found on the internet. The newsletter looks and reads more like a parish church intimation sheet than anything else. All good stuff which makes cycling look like an outlier hobby, a minority pursuit like pigeon-fancying or whittling walking sticks; but what we really liked in January's 2011 (unfortunately, no longer online) CTC Grampian newsletter was this:

The October Newsletter questioned whether, in these days of cycling popularity, campaigning for cycling was really necessary. The case for cycling has been won, we should not go over the top and too much “campaigning” is like kicking in open doors. These remarks caused a bit of a flutter among Right-to-Ride “campaigners”. They do valuable work in giving advice to authorities if they need it. The words and Right-to-Ride and Campaign, however, do not do a service to cycling: they are too aggressive, especially when every authority, from high to low, is by law in favour of promoting cycling.

(our emphasis)

Yes, now that cycling has reached the statistically insignificant level of approaching a 2% share of journeys in Aberdeen "City and Shire", CTC Grampian rightly consider their work done. Yes, we agree, 2% is more than enough. Indeed, they go on to openly state that there are too many cyclists in London and Amsterdam, and that our own Deeside Line (whassat?) in Aberdeen is too busy with cyclists at the weekend.

There you have it. Like us, CTC Grampian doesn't want more cyclists out and about ruining everything for everyone. Not for them any thought that cycling might be for utility, shopping, commuting; no - cycling is for organised and planned 'runs' (often with 'car assist'). They just want a handful of old men on old bikes going about their genteel old-fashioned whimsical hobby from back in the day when there were only two kinds of bikes - "racers" or "tourers".

One entry states:

...once in a while I yearn for the good old days when it was just me and a few old fellow cyclists.

We agree, and we offer a vote of thanks to CTC Grampian who work on our behalf to keep cycling in its place as a fun hobby, an old-fashioned leisure pursuit for old-fashioned people, something which requires special planning, permission and equipment; a whimsical activity which makes you look like an out-of-touch old fool in a clown outfit. We particularly enjoy the fact that it is these people who, when the authorities (local or national government) are consulting on transport issues, it is the CTC they turn to for the cyclist's view. This fact makes us laugh out loud. Yes, we laugh all the way to the petrol station.

And here they are, CTC Grampian in all their glory - speaking on behalf of and representing all cyclists in Aberdeen "City and Shire"!

Aberdeen Cycle Chic. Aren't they lovely?

Community Cycling Initiative Need Not Trouble Us

Aberdeen Community Cycle Challenge logo.

Wait a minute - on the left - he's not wearing a helmet!

We were initially concerned when we heard about Aberdeen City Council's "Community Cycle Challenge". Of course we were concerned - anything which promotes cycling is against our core values and primary aim of increasing the number of cars on the ever-increasing number of roads in Aberdeen "City and Shire". (We think economists call this "The Multiplier")

But then we realised that our council is engaged in some quite clever misdirection here. Firstly the name "Community Cycle Challenge". Yes: "Challenge". The message payload which is freighted within the very name of this initiative says that cycling is a challenge - difficult, unusual - like polar exploration, pot-holing, calligraphy or learning Japanese.

Further research comforted us more. This "Community Cycle Challenge" has been developed by pro-car local transport quango NESTRANS "in order to help a local community deliver an increase in cycling trips across a defined project area." Yes - a "defined project area". In this case the areas in question are covered by tiny local parish councils. This initiative will, we're delighted to report, do nothing to increase the number of cycle journeys taken across town or between individual project areas. If it achieves anything, the project will only create cycling 'ghettos'. And indeed this is confirmed; the one and only project which will be getting the go-ahead is in the tiny local area immediately around Greenbrae Primary School in the far flung Bridge of Don suburb.

This area at Bridge of Don was chosen as the one and only "Community Cycle Challenge" zone because of its participation in the risible "In Town, Without My Car!" day last year. This EU mobility initiative is intended to shut roads to motor traffic, like Broadway and Times Sq in New York have now done. But, of course, in Aberdeen we're wiser than that! New York has nothing to teach us! There's simply no way that we could ever stop important motorists from getting to the shops by car to create economic growth on a Saturday. So instead we closed the road outside a suburban primary school for a few hours on a Wednesday.

"In Town, Without My Car!"

All sorts of pointless and laughable activities were undertaken on that day in order to marginalise and humiliate the car-less. Fancy-dress was encouraged; a Grampian police officer delivered a "safety" lecture which emphasised how dangerous walking and cycling are; and a world record attempt involving synchronised cycle-bell tinging was undertaken. There was a fair-trade café run by hippy crusties. The message was clear - cycling and walking are for weirdly-dressed losers who don't care about their own safety; these activities require special permission from the authorities, need special planning and equipment and at best are whimsical and time-wastingly pointless activities.

Thus we must thank our local council for defusing that dangerous initiative and dis-arming its anti-car message. Firstly, Aberdeen City Council placed it in the context of a child-centred event (adults don't walk or cycle, and we should never ever suggest that they might or could, let alone should). Secondly, they succeeded in subverting and diverting the event in order to reinforce the message that walking and cycling are bizarre minority activities. Far better that these children remain apprehensive and in fear of independent travel and get used to the idea that they should aspire to getting about in a nice car when they grow up. We are pleased that the new ostensibly pro-cycling "Community Cycle Challenge" is being dealt with in a similar manner, and so is being subtly subverted to deliver a pro-car message. Brilliant!

So, this new "Community Cycle Challenge" initiative will not, thanks be to Ford, attempt to make any changes to the vital car-driving habits of the important people who generate economic growth in Aberdeen "City and Shire". Nor will it make any impact on the coming generation. No, this project will merely try to get some primary school kids in one area on the outskirts of town to cycle to school across the park once in a while.

Ford's in his flivver, all's right with the world.

Walking and Cycling in Aberdeenshire

Sinister Forces of Re-allocation. Funded by Tax on the Poor.

The sinister forces of roadspace re-allocation have run amok in central Aberdeen. The city's historic "The Green" area has been very badly affected.


But we are conflicted - it seems that this continental-style pestestrian-friendly "streetscape initiative" was funded by a tax on the poor. While we approve of taxes on the poor, we totally disapprove of them being spent on re-allocating roadspace away from the clever, rich, important drivers of Aberdeen Cars.


One ray of hope, though - if you look carefully in the photo below - you can see the tyre-marks of one determined driver of an Aberdeen car who has been ignoring the roadspace reallocation and zooming through The Green on his or her way to engender some economic growth by spending his or her salary at Union Square. And quite right too!


Plans are afoot to re-allocate the precious roadspace of that other historic part of Aberdeen city centre - the Heritage Dual Carriageway at Denburn Road. We are worried that the poor-tax funded re-allocation of the roadspace at The Green will serve as an exemplar for this project. So support our campaign to Save the Denburn Dual Carriageway. 'Like' us on FaceBook, 'Follow' us on Twitter.

Essential Services - D R Joinery ND07BXU

After the sainted Thatcher sold most of them off to their grasping and credulous incumbent tenants just a few unsellable tower-block flats remained of our council housing stock, a liability on the local authorities of Aberdeen "City and Shire". Though we have nothing but contempt for those less fortunate than ourselves (it's their own fault, isn't it?) we concede that from time to time it is necessary that what little remains of our council housing stock must be maintained.

Yes, no-matter how much we wish our Council Tax revenues did not have to be spent in this way, maintained they must be, so we were pleased to see that the van of D R Joinery made best use of the undercroft courtyard space at Aberdeen's "Gilcomston Land" tower-block to park while carrying out this begrudged maintenance. This parking strategy blocked the main door and fire exit of the tower-block above - thus letting the freeloading tenants know just where they stood in the greater scheme of things.

PaveParker of the Week! SV57UMO

In contrast to the rest of the west, economic growth continues apace in Aberdeen, thanks to the very high oil price. That high price itself maintained in part by the continued efforts of the drivers of Aberdeen Cars to use as much petroleum as possible.

More driving; higher oil price; more economic activity in Aberdeen; more driving. And so on and on in a virtuous cycle which leads to continually higher standards of living for the drivers of Abedeen Cars forever and ever.

Sounds great, doesn't it? But there's one problem. Because of the anti-business nimby naysayers who are stymieing plans to create a huge new underground multi-story carpark in the city-centre (on the site of a useless public park - hey, you can't make an omelette without breaking eggs!) the clever innovative drives of Aberdeen Cars have to take all measures necessary to ensure that there's somewhere to park their nice cars.

That's why this weeks winner of our PaveParker of the Week accolade is the driver of Aberdeen Car Vauxhall Astra 1.4i "Life" (ooooooh!) reg. SV57UMO, demonstrating best practise on Aberdeen's Springbank St.



Caring not a jot for people less important, the driver of this Aberdeen Car shows his superiority by occupying more of the pavement than could allow a pestestrian to pass, and doing the "double yellow straddle". This shows that this driver is clever, innovative and superior. And it demonstrates the devil-may-care attitude to authority which characterises the sort of entrepreneur so common in Aberdeen - the city which is "one to watch"; the city which will pull the rest of UK plc out of recession.

Grampian Police - Bobbies on Bicycles

We were horrified to read that there is to be 200% increase in the number of Grampian Poice bobbies going about on bicycles. Horrified, that is, until we learned that this is an increase from one bobby on one bicycle to three bobbies on three bicycles, in a very rural area. Nothing to see here. Move along now... It's not as if these cycling officers are going to be in urban areas getting in the way of the important drivers of Aberdeen Cars as they nip about creating much needed economic growth.

We read the details as part of our distasteful undercover research on the Aberdeen Cycle Forum Spring Newsletter.

Grampian Police's Sgt. Inness Coull said:

The feedback we have had in relation to our previous Police bicycle was positive ... This investment has also allowed us to redeploy our original bicycle to another area of Garioch to boost our visibility there.

Railway "Aspiration" for Peterhead

Crisis news in today's Press and Journal where the momentum for 'restoring' the railway branch line to Peterhead appears to be growing. This deplorably backward bunch of trainspotters are getting in the way of the development of new dormitory suburbs at Cruden Bay. The full realisation of this development of lovely new aspirational homes for cubicle clones high value human resource operatives who work in Aberdeen's nationally important and burgeoning spreadsheet wrangling make-work energy sector (which is supported by high oil prices, themselves sustained by the necessity to commute 50 miles) is being stymied by the need to keep rail corridors as if they were sacrosanct.

According to the report an Aberdeenshire council official said:

“The policy identifies unused railway lines as ‘safeguard sites’ where they may contribute to the development and delivery of the modern transport system ... A Peterhead railway line remains as an aspiration in the North East of Scotland Transport Partnership (Nestrans) strategy."

This is backed up by local website PeterheadOnline.com who say:

The provision of rail would likely be a greater attractor for trips to and from Aberdeen and may result in a larger Aberdeen commuter-based community in the area. Any provision for rail should also recognise the potential for rail freight and road-rail transfer at Peterhead.

The possibility of bringing trains back to Peterhead was first suggested in a Scottish Executive study in 2003.

Scottish Transport Minister Stewart Stevenson, MSP for Banff and Buchan, welcomed the recommendations.

He said: “I think that the north-east is one of the last corners of Scotland where there is genuine potential railway in the future.”

And, indeed, the NESTRANS quango is the source of all this twee regard for rail and rail-buffs, for in their Regional Transport Strategy to 2021 document there's lots of talk of restoring railway lines which Dr Beeching so sensibly axed in favour of the freedom and joy of the motor car back in the 1960's. The Peterhead line closed in 1979.

All nonsense, of course. Everyone knows that what is needed is a nice new dual carriageway between Peterhead and Ellon; just like these sensible Facebook folk advocate on their page "Vote for a Dual Carriageway - Peterhead/Ellon Road". We like this page, because as well as the sensible calls from the drivers of Aberdeen (City and Shire) Cars for a new dual carriageway, it also contains some brilliant instances of that most Aberdonian of pastimes - taking photos while driving.

We hadn't heard of the Peterhead/Ellon Dual Carriageway Facebook pressure group before today, so we're delighted that we are not alone in using Facebook to promote the interests of those who support dual carriageways in Aberdeen City and Shire. Support our campaign to Save the Denburn Dual Carriageway. 'Like' us on FaceBook, 'Follow' us on Twitter.

Not all of these campaigns are successful. The Aberdeen Western Peripheral Route page on Facebook is currently a bit unloved and unliked.