PaveParking Promoted by Grampian Police

It's great to see our local constabulary taking advantage of the annual chance to get their vizog on the gogglebox during the Xmas anti-drink-driving campaign.

This year's Grampian Police poster boy is PC John McOuat, who can be seen here addressing the STV cameras at the police's blow-in-the-bag-please-sir PR demo on Aberdeen's Great Southern Road on Wednesday.

Click for a big copy of the pic.
Print it out and it'd be suitable for the mess wall at Lodge Walk

Can you see what he's done there? Yes, it's great to see power being devolved to the most local possible level; PC John, in defiance of the eco-warrior's charter which is the Scottish Government's Cycling Walking and Safer Streets strategy for sustainable transport, has parked his impressive 4x4 Land Rover Discovery reg SV59 BNU in its Hi-Vis Transport Police Livery right on the pavement of Great Southern Road.

This way, PC John manages to transmit both the once-a-year anti-drink-driving message as well as the year-round anti-pedestrian message. Never mind what the Highway Code says

SECTION 244

You MUST NOT park partially or wholly on the pavement in London, and should not do so elsewhere unless signs permit it. Parking on the pavement can obstruct and seriously inconvenience pedestrians, people in wheelchairs or with visual impairments and people with prams or pushchairs.

Yeah, whatever. 

You see, it's all very well for the politicians in their ivory tower at Holyrood and boffins at the Department of Transport setting these pie-in-the sky policies, but when it gets down to 'street level' the local police know best. Walking is simply unacceptable in Aberdeen. Thank heavens we have local agencies prepared to reinforce that message. Loud and Clear.

Vergeparking, too.

West End Closed Road Misery

Just as the snow clears from the side roads of the city's ever-popular west-end, and just as the drivers of Aberdeen Cars can begin to set about restoring their long-term average speed (having been forced to drive around the icy streets at less-than-optimum less-than-speed-limit velocity for the last two weeks) we notice this outrage:



This perfectly good road which would otherwise connect the city's west-end streets Stanley Street and Union Grove has been bollarded off. A handy secret rat-run for busy commuters in the know cut off in it's prime.

What's worse, pestestrians and cyclists are not impeded by these pesky barriers at all and can be seen choosing this road as a preferred route! These tax-dodgers are laughing at us.

We should get rebates in both our road tax and council tax!

Essential Services - BT Openreach FG54CHV

We're delighted that Aberdeen Lochnagar Exchange is doing so well in BT's "Race to Infinity"! At the time of writing, with 17 days left to go, 1.71% (193 votes) of the total votes have been cast for the main exchange in Aberdeen to be upgraded to superfast fibre-optic broadband. Only 11,093 more votes needed and the "Oil Capital of Europe" might get the chance to enjoy connection speeds almost as good as most places in continental Europe!



We reckon that once the fibre-optic broadband is installed, you won't even need to go out of the house, ever, for any reason; not to go to work, not to go to the shops, not to go to pubs or nightclubs or concerts or anything like that ever again. We'll live in a utopian sci-fi world of complete fibre-optic participation and delivery. It'll be like that that bit in Logan's Run when Jenny Agutter pops out of the wall on "circuit". I bet it'll be just like that. We'll still want to use our cars, of course, for leisure purposes; we'll want to go out gunning the engine and aggressively burning rubber and running red lights when teasing Agguter turns us down like she did to Logan in the film.

In the meantime, preparation work for this utopian future continues apace and, as these engineers show during some "Essential Service" work in Aberdeen's ever-popular Ferryhill area, it's easy to get used to the idea of never walking around ever again.

Yes, these BT OpenReach engineers who arrived in their Ford Transit FG54CHV, PaveParkVertising the BT OpenReach fibre future, certainly didn't expect anyone on Ferryhill's Fonthill Terrace to be using the pavements! Why would they?

Queen's Road Parking Lane

Along with the driver of Aberdeen Car Ford Fiesta Diesel Hatchback 1.6 TDCi Tianium (oooh!) reg. SV60OKA we just love the Queen's Road Parking Lane.

But why oh why oh why is it so thin? And what's that funny oblong blue sign in front? Strange.

Heh, we're being disingenuous, of course! We know full well that this is supposed to be a cycle lane and that the glyph in the blue sign is a representation of a bike, showing that this is a so-called "preferred route" for Aberdeen cyclists.

We're just pretending we didn't notice. You never see anyone cycling in the cycle lanes anyway, and if you did, they'd have to continually slalom about the place to get in and out of the lane and go around all the perfectly legally-parked cars which have every right to be there! They'd then either have to cycle on the pavement (which isn't allowed) or cycle on the 'taxpayer lane' which is for cars only. In which instance we'd be perfectly justified in angrily honking our horns and shouting: "Get back in the cycle-lane you filthy unemployed hippy! Can't you afford a nice car like me? I pay Road Tax!"

PaveParker of the Week! YC08GYO

Congratulations to this week's PaveParker of the Week!




The driver of Aberdeen Car Vauxhall Zafira Estate 1.8i Elite (oooh!) reg. YC08GYO demonstrates full PaveParking outside this house in the city's Mayfield Gardens.

This perspicacious PaveParker is demonstrating his public-spirited safety consciousness; can you see the advanced aspect of his chosen parking strategy?

Yes, that's it! He has noticed the yellow Fire Hydrant sign. Concerned that should the worst happen (God Forbid!) our award-winning PaveParker of the Week has made sure that his rear offside tyre does not obscure the hydrant cover - you can see it in plain view, just beneath the bumper overhang. So, in the event of a dangerous fire, the emergency services will be able to use the hydrant without too much difficulty. A little difficulty, yes (it's best to make sure that these people know that they are public servants - not the other way round). We agree; it's probably best to inconvenience them just a little, but not too much.

So we say, well done, YC08GYO - the houses of Mayfield Gardens are quite safe, thanks to your considerate and advanced PaveParking! And, you've done just enough to remind the feather-bedded public sector workers of their place in the hierarchy. Beneath and behind you!

Cycle Lane Use in Aberdeen

With the weather thawing, the drivers of Aberdeen Cars are beginning to get things back to normal and clearing their stately drives of ice and slush at last. Thank goodness!

But where to put it? Piling it up on the pavement merely encourages CarriageWalking, as we have seen, so that's out of the question. Here, though the innovative drivers of Aberdeen Cars who live on the city's Great Western Road show us the correct use of the cycle lane. And why not? They've paid for it after all!

Gets it off your stately drive and doesn't encourage CarriageWalking.
But most importantly - helps stamp out cycling.

Know Your Enemy #1 - The CarriageWalker

Yesterday we examined Aberdeen City Council's well meaning policy of prioritising the clearing of snow and ice from the carriageways of roads while completely ignoring the pavements. The intent of this policy initiative being clearly to encourage citizens to use cars only for getting about, thus contributing to economic growth in Aberdeen "City and Shire". We highlighted how this policy had backfired with disastrous consequences for the drivers of Aberdeen Cars. We noted the rise of a new radical breed of pestestrian: The CarriageWalker! Eschewing the pavements with their still-untouched snow and ice, rather than act normal and use cars, these thuggish pestestrians have quite perversely taken to the carriageways. On foot!

This forces the terrified motorist to take extra care in avoiding these reckless troublemakers lest they touch our nice cars; everyone knows that when a stranger touches your car it runs the risk of rendering your car somehow less nice, and erodes your prestige in the community. So, with these CarriageWalkers occupying the bit of the road which is for cars only, we can only say how intimidated we are by this new development, it is as if our world is turned upside down. It just shouldn't happen!

Moreover, what with all these suddenly visible pestestrians getting in the way and showing off, visitors to our city might think that not everyone here can afford a nice car. Obviously, that's not the sort of impression we want to give to visitors, what with us being The Oil Capital of Europe, and rolling in petrodollars and everything - so these troublemaker thugs are not only intimidating the normal everyday (albeit very important) citizen drivers of Aberdeen Cars, but they are also eroding our city's standing on the International Stage, and threatening the very future survival of our city and everything in it. They must be stopped!

Observe her with care. She might touch your car.

So, as a service to our readers, we thought we'd help you identify these radical anarchists who think they can do whatever they please at the expense of the hard-pressed tax-farmed motorists who have paid for the road. Here are the six key points which you can use to identify The Radical CarriageWalker:

1. That thing on her head is a wooly hat. This is perhaps to protect her head from the truncheon-blows which she expects to come raining down from the mounted riot police which we have summoned. Or maybe it's just to keep her head warm because she's outside on a coldish day.
2. On her feet - boots. We think there used to be a song: "These Boots Were Made for Walking". Quaint.
3. She is wearing a coat which is too long to comfortably wear when driving. This proves that she simply has absolutely no intention of driving. Unbelievable!
4. Over her shoulder - a large bag. This is no doubt full of spray-cans for obscene graffiti. Otherwise, it carries the stuff which normal people put on the back-seat or in the boot or glove compartment.
5. Speaking of which, on her hands are what can only be described as actual gloves. This is another sinister aspect, as she will be untraceable via fingerprint evidence.
6. You can't see it on the photo, but her face displays a carefree smile (or is it a smirk?). She is smiling in a way which is quite the opposite of the intense look of grim concentration which can be seen on the face of most of the drivers of Aberdeen Cars as they do their important gridlocked duty in support of much-needed economic growth for the region. We do work of National Importance here. It's nothing to smile or smirk about.

Needless to say, none of these six signs are detectable in the drivers of Aberdeen Cars. Being nice and toasty inside our hot metal boxes, we have no need for hats, coats or gloves! We are unlikely to be outside ever at all, so no need for outdoor boots - it's trainers for us! Cool! Rucksacks and totebags - no need! Similarly, our metal bubble insulates us from ever having to run the risk of encountering anyone we don't know (except shop assistants and waiters); we never have any need to smile publicly, so we don't.

So, there you have it, the six signs to look out for. Be vigilant! These subversives are everywhere! Maybe you know one, maybe one of them is a friend or loved one. It is your duty as a driver of Aberdeen Cars to denounce these subversive elements. Use the Citizen Contribution hot-link to the top-right of the page to report them to us and we'll do the rest...

Vigilance will see us through these difficult times.