Victory nearly complete!

A reader has submitted a YouTube video which we are delighted to embed below. The auteur has made and exhibited his film in order to demonstrate his fear and hatred of people getting about on bicycles. This is commendable, and we look forward to seeing many more films from him exploring this theme.


However, even the greatest works of art have a flaw, and we hope that the film-maker won't mind that we point out what has been missed. It's quite obvious, really. And it's actually really good news!

In his precis on the YouTube hosting page, the auteur expounds at length about how much he fears and hates people using bicycles on the pavement.We feel for him - no-one likes feeling frightened of stuff. But we also think that the video gives us reasons to be happy.

In the film, the priority given to motor traffic in the very centre of Aberdeen is demonstrated to have forced people on bicycles into conflict with people on foot. Can't our filmmaker see that this is exactly what is required?

For if conditions for people on foot and on bike have been made so very unattractive on the streets of Aberdeen "city and shire" that these people are squeezed into an ever-decreasing share of the urban realm, herded behind barriers and forced to use two-stage crossings with those enclosures in the middle which traffic engineers unblushingly call "sheep pens", then the logical conclusion will be that more and more of these people will abandon their attempts to use "active travel" and just get in the car for their city-centre shopping trips. Then our Victory will be complete! So we thank the film-maker for submitting this video which documents that every day we force more people on bikes off of our roads; and by doing so, we make it more and more likely that they will just take the car the next time they're thinking about going to Union Square for some Handmade Burgers. In this way Aberdeen City and Shire can help to pull the UK economy out of recession.

Check it out:


(aaargh! Royalty-free music soundtrack warning! Turn down your speakers!)

Valuable Lessons for Mother and Baby

A CitizenContribution arrives in the Aberdeen Cars inbox:

    From:     [citizencontributerali]@yahoo.co.uk
    Subject:     CityLink - Kings of the Road and Pavement
    To:     aberdeencars@gmail.com
   
Dear Mr Skidmark, 

Yesterday the wee boy Jimmy and I were out for a push in the pram going through Culter and we saw this most excellent example of The big green and yellow parcel machine pavement parking. 

As you can see there was not enough space for little jimmy's pram to push between the van and the pavement, I had a choice, push into the oncoming traffic or go through the BP/[Expensive]M&S forecourt.   I chose the latter but still no space - the driver of the blue van further put me in my place by verbally communicating to me, and everyone else in earshot, it was a garage and not a playgroup for fornicating.  He's correct but what's a mum to do?

As we returned I realised how small and insignificant us pedestrians - and pram pushers are.  Please can you use your website to thank City-Link for teaching us such an important lesson.

Yours
Alison (& the wee boy Jimmy)

 

Of course, what CitizenContributor Alison has failed to point out is that the Citylink van WR08JFA is not only teaching mother and baby a valuable lesson about what's expected of a yummy mummy in Aberdeen "City and Shire", but is also fouling the cycle lane, thus demonstrating that cyclists are simply not wanted here.

But, that aside, all this begs the question: Why was Citizen Contributor Alison pushing a baby about the place outside? We considered reporting this case to social services - surely any mother who truly cares about her child would be transporting wee Jimmy in a nice safe warm dry car, like any good mother would. But, reading between the lines, we can tell that CitizenContributor Alison is in the process of learning the error of her ways, and will (pretty soon we hope) join in with mainstream society and get herself a nice wee car to ferry little Jimmy about the place. In this way, not only will she no longer stand out as a pedestrian, but will at last contribute to the necessary economic growth which makes Aberdeen "City and Shire" the economic powerhouse which will pull the whole of UKplc out of recession.

Aberdeen Taxis - providing vital public transport.

A confused and confusing e-mail arrives:



From: kjetil xxxxxxxxxx
Subject: Bad parking on Cornhill Drive
Date: 2 May 2012 9:35:38 pm GMT+01:00
To: "aberdeencars@gmail.com"
Reply-To: kjetil xxxxxxxxxx

I dont know how to get a picture on your website and found it confusing, i saw this taxi parked on the pavement yet lady driving it said there was nothing wrong with her parking, its now been reported to taxi bosses and they said its not acceptable, children use this pavement yet idiots like that shouldnt have a licence, would you get in her car, her number plate SE08 PYO, Private Plate No.2.

Kjetil

Well, Kjetil (if that's your real name!). What you've failed to understand there is the fact that taxis in Aberdeen own the road. And the pavements too!

Morrisons Supermarket - Consolidating Social Mobility

When our Big Society Prime Minister Mr David Cameron announced that, in future, council house tenancies were to have fixed terms in order to "increase social mobility" we knew what he meant. Encouraging those layabout social housing denizens to pull themselves out of the underclass, get decent jobs and proper mortgages and everything is something that everyone knows is a necessary measure to promote economic growth in these austerity times. And pulling the safety net of social housing away from these people after just a few years is just the kind of common sense, tough love policies which is sure to work a treat. Council houses will now be regarded as emergency housing, like a homeless shelter or asylum-seekers' hospital or the kind of half-way-house you get for battered wives, junkies, ex-cons and the like. Only by looking down on, looking harshly upon and severely punishing our social inferiors will we encourage them to buck up their ideas and so, "increase social mobility". We approve, and want to see this sort of "encouragement" rolled out across a wide range of policy spheres.

For example, this kind of social-mobility "encouragement" is definitely also applicable in the transport sphere. And - what's more - the motorists, businesses and local government of Aberdeen "City and Shire" show the way! You see - everyone knows that using the bus, walking or cycling is a sure sign of grinding poverty, and it's not the sort of thing we want to see on the prestigious streets of Aberdeen "City and Shire". So it's long been our policy, along with others, to encourage social mobility by discouraging walking, cycling or using the bus. We are delighted today to notice that an unnamed citizen contributor clicked the citizen contribution hot-link (over there on the right) and e-mailed aberdeencars@gmail.com with the message:

Oi Skidmark
Hve U ever sat in yr car on the Langstracht stuk in da trfc watchn the bus fly past - annoyn init

Well seems there nw a soltn to the prob see below, top mrks to the conclfor thinkn of it, Get rd bus ln!!!!!!!!!
Wl dn concl, well dn Morrisons
Kewl!

"All bus lanes near the store will be removed
to encourage traffic flow"

Straight out of the Aberdeen Cars playbook! Firstly denounce bus lanes - next, ignore them (the stage we've largely achieved today) - finally, scrap them altogether, as Morrisons and the council have planned.
This sends out all the right messages: we don't like buses; we don't want buses; and what's more - we don't need buses, because we've all been "encouraged" into our lovely cars which, now that we can look forward to the scrapping of the bus-lanes, will definitely flow about the place not only efficiently but also vibrantly, reducing pollution, saving fuel and boosting the economy. Once the economy is sufficiently boosted, everyone will be have enough money to afford a really nice car, and no-one will be able to plead poverty as excuse for making the place look all down-at-heel by walking, cycling or take the bus ever again!

Yes indeed: Well Done Council, Well Done Morrisons!

Very Common

From: Anonymous Anomie <xxxx@xxxxxx.xxx.xxx>

Subject: Driving opened up to non car owners

Date: 2 April 2012 7:42:05 pm GMT+01:00

To: aberdeencars@gmail.com

Aberdeen City Council has just announced that it is expanding opportunties to drive "nice little cars" to non-car owners.  

On 2nd April Aberdeen City Council tweeted

"Aberdeen CC ‏ @AberdeenCC

Want to drive, but don't own a car? Why not join Aberdeen's first car club Commonwheels. There's more info here http://www.aberdeencity.gov.uk/CouncilNews/ci_cns/pr_CarClubLaunch_020412.asp Pls RT"

This provides an opportunity for those unfortunate enough to not own a "nice little car" to experience driving a choice of seven small "town cars" - five Kia Picantos and two Hyundai i10s - or for those with grander ambitions, there are three larger vehicles - Ford Fiesta Econetics or Kia Rios.

Congratulations to Aberdeen City Council for providing these opportunities to the non car owning citizen to experience the joy of driving.  Hopefully this will help wean degenerate elements from walking, cycling or the use of public transport.   

We look forward to citizens realising the error of their ways in not owning their own nice little car and an upswing in car driving in Aberdeen soon.

Regards

Anonymous

From: Aberdeen Cars
Subject: Re: Driving opened up to non car owners
Date: 2 April 2012 7:55:06 pm GMT+01:00
To: Anonymous Anomie 

Hey Anonymous!

Thanks for that, of course the first rule of Car Club is: "Nobody Speaks About Car Club". Haha!

To begin with, when we heard about Car Club, we thought along the same lines as you: yes, the opportunity for the non-car-owning un-people to get behind the wheel and learn the error of their ways. But then we leaned that these vehicles are to be branded "Common Wheels". Yes, "COMMON". Do you see what they've done there?

There being nothing quite so splendid as wealth and riches, and what with the people of Aberdeen City and Shire leading the way on generating the necessary economic growth to pull the rest of UK plc out of recession - we can see Aberdeen City Council's "Common Wheels Car Club" for what it its. It is in fact a clever piece of context framing from our city fathers who know what's best for us. The message is clear - small cars are "common", and if you have to share one via a car club you are doubly common. You are a "minker" in fact, if you use one of these. The big sign "COMMON" on the side of the car will make your status as part of the non-car-owning non-person underclass perfectly clear to all the important people who will roar past you on the streets of Aberdeen City and Shire in our three litre 4x4 German SUV's - in other words: proper cars, that is.

Status, of course, being the only motivating factor for people to do anything ever - who would willingly submit themselves the the public humiliation of sharing a car and being branded "common" into the bargain? No-one, that's who! At least, not the sort of person who's proud to live in Europe's Oil Capital. The fact that these cars are supposed to be "low emission" is doubly telling. This is saying that using petrol is bad, and that, by extension, the oil industry is bad. The ultimate conclusion of that sort of thinking would be that Aberdeen itself is bad! Car-sharing clubs are, therefore, Anti-Aberdeen. This is why the council has set this carshare scheme up with the intention of having it fail miserably. Then the parking spaces can be re-assigned to proper road-tax paying wealth generators - the true drivers of Aberdeen Cars.

Hope that sets your mind at rest.

Best,

Old Skidmark
Aberdeen Cars

We Really Hate It When Cyclists Jump Red Lights

Yeah, we hate it cos that's OUR job!

Top Tips on Turning Your Motoring Life Eco

As important drivers of nice big Aberdeen Cars, we bet that like us you're sick and tired of being lectured by meanie-greenie treehuggers about carbon emissions.

That's why we were delighted when local aspirational freesheet - the West End Gazette - plopped through the front door this weekend, containing as it did a section on "Top tips on turning your motoring life eco".

The publisher and editor of this free consumer/lifestyle mag, fat larger lady Sue Simpson echoes our above sentiment and says:

"There are some eco-warriors out there who believe that the humble automobile is the devil on wheels. But in recent years, car manufacturers have worked hard to change the car's planet-killing image..."

Her "Going Green" article then details some super tips on eco-driving like:

• Think aerodynamic! Drive with the windows up, and remove stuff like roof-racks when you're not using them;
• A clean car might be a pretty car, but do you need to do it every week? If you must make your 'pride and joy' the sparkling envy of all who see it, use a bucket and sponge to clean the car, rather than a hose. Even better, use "Miracle Drywash";
• Try "green" cleaning products;
• Use the SatNav to avoid getting lost, which wastes fuel;
• Take the golf-clubs out of the boot;
• Service the car at home so you can be sure to take used fluids, bulbs, other bits and bobs to the proper specific recycling centre.

As corpulent big boned Ms. Simpson says:

"[these] are ways you can cut your carbon footprint - and it doesn't have to mean walking!" 

Well thank Ford for that! We certainly wouldn't want to walk anywhere. Ever. Not ever ever ever ever ever. That would be the very opposite of progress. We're still waiting for drive-in banking to arrive in Aberdeen "City and Shire", but no - no, we're stuck with online banking.

The one criticism we have about obese cuddly Sue's Top Tips is that they manage to conflate material recycling and chemical toxicity with carbon emissions. Now, it's clear that she's done this with the best of intentions, to dilute any possible danger of scaremongering about the onrushing climate catastrophe. But, hasn't she heared? Global Warming will be GOOD for Scotland!