Good News for the Drivers of Aberdeen Cars: Climate change = "good"

We probably don't have to tell you what a strain it's been, denying the existence of man-made climate change all these years as we drive around the place on Her Majesty's pot-holed highways of Aberdeen 'City and Shire' supporting the local economy by using lots of petrol, providing much employment and contributing greatly in taxes to the exchequer. We don't have to tell you, because, if you are the driver of an Aberdeen Car, you'll have been doing about the same amount of denial as we have.

Yes, we've had to adopt a willfully anti-science stance, which has lumped us in with all sorts of weirdos like creationists, flat-earthers, UKIP and the Scottish Conservative and Unionist Party. Quite difficult, enjoying all the benefits of the technological advances delivered by scientific progress, all the while trying to gainsay everything that scientists discover. We've had to assert that 2+2=3, that up is down, that warming is cooling. It's been like waking up every morning and making an effort to insist that black is white. It's just as well that we're not the sort of poor person pestestrian who has to use zebra crossings!

It's now OK to admit that this is "actually happening".

So, can you imagine our relief when we read in today's Scotsman Newspaper that Global Warming will actually be a really good thing for Scotland! Amazing, isn't it, to read this sort of thing in the press. Heartening, comforting. So much in the media recently, when it comes to the climate issue, has been worrying for motorists. When media outlets worry us by saying that exhaust-pipe emissions contribute to harmful climate effects, causing crop failures, flooding, droughts, mass-migrations, social dislocation, poverty, political instability and on and on - that is, in itself, harmful. Making us motorists worry about our lifestyles, is wrong, because - yes, worry is harmful. No-one likes to feel worried.

But, that's all in the past now, we have no need to feel worried, and no need to mask that worry in anti-science bluster and bravado, for our National Newspaper of Record says that Climate Change is good for Scotland. Amongst the benefits they trumpet in today's article are:

• Fewer winter deaths
• Lower heating bills
• Tourism boost
• Global trade opportunities for Scottish businesses as Arctic shipping routes open
• Viniculture and maize production

So, at last we can put the anti-science anti-enlightenment values of the climate-change denialists behind us and embrace climate change as being a Good Thing. And we here at Aberdeen Cars, and you, the drivers of Aberdeen Cars can look forward to climate change becoming the 'hot topic' (see what we did there?) of conversation around the dinner-party tables of Bridge of Don and Westhill, Portlethen and Kintore, for contributing to a warmer Scotland is obviously a good thing. We can now say it loudly:

We are proud, yes very proud, to drive about a lot and contribute to Global Warming. It's good for business, good for society, good for Aberdeen, good for Scotland. Fact.