A blog about cars in Aberdeen.

This is a blog about cars in Aberdeen because most people aspire to the convenience of personal motor transport, pay dearly for the privilege, provide much employment, contribute greatly in taxes, and then people expect them to ‘leave the car at home’, while their money is spent creating cycle lanes and the like for freeloading cyclists.

Monday, 31 January 2011

The Anatomy of the Aberdeen Street.

Lots to see in this photo which demonstrates the anatomy of an Aberdeen Street: in this case, Broomhill Road.

  1. Essential Services. The driver of the Aberdeen Van EJZ3361 is performing essential services, so may park with impunity on the single line whenever necessary.
  2. PaveParking. Aware that parking on the single line during normal working hours might attract a fine, the driver of this Aberdeen Van mitigates the harm this may cause to traffic flow (and thus economic growth) by PaveParking his way out of the traffic stream.
  3. No walking. The pavement is for bins. And temporary signs. And sign stanchions. And all other sorts of urban clutter vital street furniture which supports motor transport.

Friday, 28 January 2011

Essential Services - SP58YNL

As everyone knows, White Van Man (WVM) is truly the Atlas upon who's shoulders our hopes for economic growth rest. And speaking of rest, this WVM is taking a little well-deserved time out to eat a sandwich and read his newspaper of choice. Le Figaro, it is we think. Probably

Now, in these pressing economic times, we are reminded of Gordon Gekko's famous eighties exhortation: "Lunch is for wimps!". This means, of course, that if the future of economic growth rests on your shoulders, you must not take any time out, ever. So what's going on here? Why is WVM lollygagging around, while the future affluence of Aberdeen "City and Shire" is in jeopardy?

But, don't worry, everything's OK. A little circumspection shows, this WVM is multi-tasking. While enjoying his snack and intellectual stimulation, he has also PaveParked his white van reg. SP58YNL to the fullest possible extent in this location in Aberdeen's Willowbank Mews. This promotes efficient traffic flow, which is the fountainhead of economic growth and prosperity. It also discourages non-contributing pestestrians from venturing out into the urban realm.

Not only that, but his GPH Builder's Merchant sack is also multi-tasking: Firstly it is promoting the company GPH Builder's Merchant (sort-of PaveParkVertising), and secondly it is blocking the dropped kerb. This sends a very important message to wheelchair users, mobility scooter riders, the elderly and to mothers with buggies: you are not economically active, stay indoors, we don't want to see you - leave the outside world to important people. Note that WVM also flashes his hazards (or "exempts") to draw the attention of the economically inactive to this indispensable lesson and his valuable example.

Who'd have thought that WVM could achieve so much while sitting still?!

Thursday, 27 January 2011

SV10VXX Estabilshes the Hierarchy

We always laugh when we hear talk of transport mode travel "hierarchies", like this one which is from Government Agency Transport Scotland's Travel Plan 2010 - 2013.
Our Travel Plan is underpinned by the ethos that the greenest mile is the mile not travelled and we will follow the travel hierarchy set out below:
  • no travel – business travel should only be undertaken when it is absolutely essential. Communication technologies such as audio or video conferencing can often deliver the same outcome and save the time which would otherwise have been spent travelling
  • walking – a healthy form of transport, viable for journeys, or parts of journeys, up to 2km
  • cycling – a healthy and reliable form of travel for journeys of up to 5km
  • bus, rail, and other modes of public transport – for essential medium to long journeys, rail travel is the best option, while buses are good for local journeys. Taxis can be used for intra-city business journeys if travel by bus, walking or cycling is not viable
  • car travel – a car is necessary for some journeys and a hire car will be the first choice. We promote the use of hire cars over employees’ own vehicles as there are likely cost and carbon savings, and reduced health and safety risks. TS hire cars can be delivered to employees’ homes, offices or rail stations. This means that staff can combine a rail trip with a hire car travel to reach their destination and therefore maximise productive travel time and reduce emissions
  • private car – only when a hire car is not viable. As with hire cars, staff should share with other colleagues whenever possible
Hahahaha, yeah right!

Our undercover agent who operates from a position embedded deep within the Aberdeen cycling "activist community" captured this video.  It shows driver of Aberdeen Car Vauxhall Corsa Hatch "Special" (oooh!) EDS 1.3 CDTi reg. SV10VXX establishing and reinforcing the correct hierarchy; the "facts on the ground":

Cars before bikes! Under any and all circumstances!

Travel plans from government agencies should be updated accordingly in order to correspond with reality.

Wednesday, 26 January 2011

PaveParker of the Week! SV02WLE

Congratulations to this week's PaveParker of the Week, who is sending out All The Right Messages.

Yes indeed, Aberdeen's Seafield Road has excessively wide pavements, far and away out of proportion with the number of pestestrians who use them. Taking unilateral action, the driver of Aberdeen Car Renault Megane Sceanic Special (oooh!) EDS 1.6 Fidji (oooh!?) reg. SV02WLE, has annexed a good 60% of the width of the footway, leaving a generous 40% for use by pestestrians.

We were concerned that this is a higher proportion than the amount of regard which the drivers of Aberdeen cars generally assign to these people. So what's going on, is the driver of this Aberdeen Car some sort of pestestrian lover?

But then we worked it out... The last thing the driver of an Aberdeen Car would ever do is deprive other motorists of space on the carriageway, that would impede traffic flow. And the location where this driver needed to park has a texturecrete cycle lane, so - what to do?

  • Full PaveParking would allow the cyclits to proceed unimpeded on their "special lane" which we paid for! 
  • Using the cycle lane as a parking lane (as elsewhere) would leave the pavement un-used by a car. Un-ac-ceptable! 

So, the driver of this Aberdeen Car has made the best choice possible - a choice which does not impede motorists (and so will not jeopardise Aberdeen's position as THE key city to power the economic recovery, helping the UK climb out of recession.) At the same time, this choice encourages both pestestrians and cyclits to give up on their showoff transport modes and join in with the vast majority of ordinary people. "The nail head which stands out will be hammered down."

It is worthy of special comment that the driver of this Aberdeen Car has rendered the cycle lane unusable at this location. It has only been a few days since we called for a total ban on cycling in Aberdeen "City and Shire" during the winter months, so we're delighted that our activism is already leading to "facts on the ground".

Keep it up!

Tuesday, 25 January 2011

Message to Kids: Walking or Cycling puts you in hospital.

Advice for children from the Department for Transport via deep-cover agents at Manchester Cycling.

The implication of all the clever games and multimedia stuff on the DfT website is clear: Walking and cycling are very unusual and highly dangerous activities which require an advanced level of planning and special (possibly costly) safety equipment. Until you are old enough to drive and get yourself a nice car you're on your own and liable to be severely injured. Under no circumstances must you do anything to get in the way of or impede the progress of the important drivers of cars. If you do, you will be hospitalised, maybe killed. FACT. It will be your own fault. END OF. So you should get mum to drive you to and from school, visits to friends, trips to the shops, everything - it's just easier, it's definitely safer!

If you do survive long enough to get a driving license, then you'll have carte blanche to drive inattentively and at speed in the presence of children, it will be your right; that is the normal way of things.

"Tell your friends about these kids' sticky ends!"
Yes indeed, if anything, we think the DfT is a little too dovish. Children, and indeed all pestestrians and cyclits NEED to know that if they insist on putting themselves in harms way, then they're liable to be harmed. And then it will be their own fault.

But we're obviously delighted that our message is getting through at last. And we totally approve of the government using fear to programme the anti-walking and -cycling message into young impressionable minds. Advice for children on the site includes the wearing of special items such as reflective vests, bright stickers, flourescent caps and yellow backpacks. We must support the DfT in this, and perhaps suggest that they extend their advice to all pestestrians and cyclits; the adults too who should, after all, be in nice cars. After a while perhaps we can hope to see that this clothing advice is upgraded to mandatory compulsion. Only by putting all these subversive non-motoring elements into this humiliating and clownish uniform will we be able to identify them quickly and easily - to flush them out - when the time comes for their re-education.

 The re-education programme commences here...

Monday, 24 January 2011

Queen's Road Parking Lane

No doubt enraged by the reports in the local press that the dark anti-progress forces have gained ground in promoting cycling and walking in Aberdeen "City and Shire" (as we reported last week), once again we're delighted to see the self-empowered drivers of Aberdeen Cars take matters into their own hands in order to reverse this insidious trend. We expect little else - these people are our everyday heroes.
See the dashboard flowers? Lovely!
Here we see that the drivers of five Aberdeen Cars, led by VW Beetle Hatchback 1.6 Luna (ooooh!) reg SL10WUE, doing their best to stamp out cycling by making full use of the Queens Road Cycle Parking lane, westbound at the Hill of Rubislaw.

This sends a very clear message to those who think it's a good idea to cycle:
"It isn't - in fact, it's a very bad idea - we don't like it, and we don't like you. We're going to do our best to stop you."
And quite right too. We all know that - what with being the Oil Capital of Europe and all - the local economy depends upon demand for petrol. That petrol, is, of course, made from good ol' North Sea Oil - our stock in trade. The more consumed, the higher the oil price, the better it is for Aberdeen "City and Shire"! Supply And Demand, d'you see?

So, those who think that commuting to and from the western suburbs on this piece of cycle infrastructure makes them big, clever, "green" and better than everyone else obviously have an anti-local-economy axe to grind. And the sooner we re-educate these people and correct their aberrant thinking the better. Then we (and they) can all get back in our nice Aberdeen Cars and jolly well get on with creating economic growth.

This is what is meant by "The Big Society". Isn't it lovely?

Friday, 21 January 2011

Our Call to Ban Winter Cycling

We were very disappointed to read a report on STV's news website

"Cyclist Injured in Car Collision"

Yes its terrible: the language used in the report is completely neutral! For example, they say: "A collision between a car and a male cyclist..." with no hint of finger-pointing at all.

We think that this sends out the wrong message. Everyone knows that cycling is an extremely dangerous abnormal fringe activity, undertaken at the cyclist's own risk. If someone (and Ford alone knows why they would) chooses to engage in this kind of reckless behaviour, it is their own responsibility to ensure they do not get in the way of the driver of an Aberdeen Car, who is, after all, merely going about their lawful business ensuring a future of prosperous economic growth for all citizens in Aberdeen "City and Shire". And yes, that even includes ungrateful non-contributing citizens like cyclits and pestestrians. See how altruistic and caring the drivers of Aberdeen Cars are?

Amazingly, the report - while stating that the road was closed for over an hour, does not emphasise the serious inconvenience and frustration this will have caused to road-tax-paying motorists who, unlike the ungrateful freebooting cyclits, have paid through the nose for the right to unfettered access to the highway. Nor does the report make any attempt at calculating the cost to the economy incurred, all because a road-tax-dodging cyclit got in the way of the benificent yet hard-pressed driver of an Aberdeen Car and causing what we call "Road Closed Misery".

Road Closed Misery

This is intolerable. We think it's time for some radical intervention and common sense. It was cold and frosty in Aberdeen on the day of the incident, and the sun is very low in the sky at this time of year. There is literally no reason for people to be riding bicycles in this sort of weather and environment. FACT. Hey greenies! It's winter! Why-oh-why are you cycling? If you can't afford a nice car, or even the bus fare, just give yourself time to walk to your destination.

As a matter of fact, we propose that it should be against the law to ride a bicycle on City and Shire streets during the winter time. The pro-environment people who insist on showing off by riding bicycles are putting their own adherents at risk and increasing the chances of accidents where they otherwise would not happen. It's time to bring this madness to an end once and for all.

We can understand that cycling in the summer is a nice, pleasant family pastime. In the public park, for instance, and well away from busy important traffic. You put your bike on a rack on the tailgate of your Range Rover and drive to your chosen cycling recreational venue. Then you cycle round and round for a bit, then you put the bike back on the rack and drive home. A lovely day out, a holiday or weekend hobby. But we just can't see why anyone would be cycling on a cold day like today. It's perverse, it's masochistic, and it's offensive that these people should be rubbing our busy important hard-pressed noses in it. We'd like to see it being made, literally, into an offence. These people need saving from themselves. The super new Big Society government is all for minimum intervention and lawmaking, looking to devolve power down to the lowest possible political level, so perhaps we can look for our local council to introduce a by-law to ban winter cycling in Aberdeen "City and Shire".

Now, don't get us wrong, we're delighted to read that the cyclist's injuries were not life-threatening (we're not callous monsters!) But, we were horrified that the STV News report made no mention of the damage which will have been done to the car. Neither did the report mention whether or not the cyclit was wearing a helmet.

All in all, very poor journalism. We begin to suspect that STV, in common with other elements of the local press, are acting with an anti-car bias and agenda.

Don't they know that the War on Motorists is over?

Thursday, 20 January 2011

MORE BAD NEWS for Aberdeen Cars.

What is it with that Phillip Hammond? No sooner does he declare an end to the War on Motorists, than his government put up VAT, petrol tax, and inflation. It'll be interest rates next.

Hard pressed motorists are faced with some difficult choices. Spending money on essentials like filling the tank is of course sacrosanct, so other areas of expenditure will have to 'take the hit'. Clothes, food, toothpase and books are now unaffordable luxuries - we don't really need these things, but we do really need to drive around in the car.

But worse than all this, we learned that Aberdeen transport is hitting the headlines internationally, but for all the wrong reasons. Our undercover agents deep within the socialist/green cycling conspiracy community alerted us to this piece of news on the filthy pro-cycling agitation website "Copenhagenize", the misguided (or more likely, malicious) writers of which try to force their aim of "building better bicycle cultures" (whatever that means) onto the transport systems of the English speaking world, where we already have cars. Which are better than bicycles. Duh! We don't need bicycles! We have already upgraded!

Anyhow, here's what our snitches reported:

International Bicycle Infrastructure: Aberdeen

The post features this video which was shot on the Westhill Cycleway.

The video contains the caption "It's like being in Holland".

Well, yes. If you think that cycling is big, clever and a viable alternative to the car, then you must be on drugs. Just like being in Holland!

This provides unequivocal proof that all cyclists are drug-addled hippies. You can see them, in the video.

Wednesday, 19 January 2011

PaveParker of the Week! SV06XNL

Congratulations to the driver of Aberdeen Car reg. SV06XNL. You are PaveParker of the Week!

Yes indeed, the driver of Aberdeen Car Volkwagen Golf Plus (oooh!) 1.9 SE TDI PD gets this weeks plaudits.

What really drew our eye was the innovative use of the traffic-calming (and driver-enraging) sleeping-policeman thingie. These are land-mines used against us by the dark anti-car forces in their ongoing war-on-the-motorist.

But, the cunning driver of this Aberdeen Car turns this blatantly anti-motorist measure to his or her advantage, using it as a ramp to gain level access to the pavement at the new-ish Woodlands at Pitfodels exclusive, aspirational, upscale housing development. Marvellous! Trust the innovative drivers of Aberdeen Cars to turn defeat into a resounding victory!

(We note that a WVM has used a similar method in order to execute essential services further up the road, so this method is spreading. It must be a bit like morphic resonance.)

We notice that the non-standard sign attached to the lamp-post says "Slow, Children at Play" and this worries us. Firstly, we're worried that it implies that around this part of town the parents let their children run around willy nilly unsupervised in the outside world. Disgusting. These children might brush against the nice car, scratch or dent it, and thus render it less nice. Thank goodness that the altruistic driver of SV06XNL is doing his or her best to discourage children from playing outside by demonstrating that there is simply no safe place for them in the outside world. Not on the road and certainly not on the pavement either. As everyone should now know, these spaces in the urban environment are for cars only. Children belong inside, in their rooms, with their video games.

When they grow up, then they can look forward to getting out and about in a nice car, like the good Ford intended.

Tuesday, 18 January 2011

BAD NEWS for Aberdeen Cars in the Press and Journal

Horrifying Report in our local newspaper, the Press and Journal.

Apparently, traffic on our major city routes is at its lowest for years and years. In some cases traffic levels have dropped to a paltry volume not seen since 1995. We find this news both distressing and confusing. And a not a little suspicious.

Firstly, as everyone knows, more cars on more roads is the only way to ensure future prosperity for Aberdeen "City and Shire". So, if the trend is for fewer cars on the roads, this suggests that all is lost in the battle for the future. All this despite our best efforts and those of our colleagues. It's just not fair!

The A956 Inner Ring Road.
It's quiet; too quiet.
But secondly, we're suspicious of the Press and Journal's motivations for initially seeking out this information and then reporting it in such sensational terms. We have to point out that the Press and Journal is owned by DC Thomson. Of Dundee. Can it be a coincidence that our artist-loving rival city is instrumental in providing this downbeat picture of Aberdeen? We know that, having missed out on the oil bonanza of the last 30 years they have an axe to grind and have a vested interest in seeing Aberdeen fail. That they should stoop so low as to bad-mouth our level of traffic is disgusting. Busy roads means that lots of aspirational people in nice cars are going about their nationally-important business with alacrity. When the envious Dundonians suggest that Aberdeen's traffic is in decline they are guilty of suggesting that Aberdeen is becoming less important. How dare they!

The report suggests that the eco-warrior cyclists and train-lovers are winning in the war on the motorist, despite Philip Hammond's declaration that the war on the motorist was over! What's going on? This cannot stand! We must resist!

Not that we believe the quoted figures anyway, but nevertheless we call on all drivers of Aberdeen Cars to get out and about and drive around as much as possible as badly as possible and cause as much congestion as possible. Only by reversing this (dubious) reported decline in Aberdeen's motoring figures can we be sure that the No 1 Hope for the Future - The AWPR Aberdeen Bypass - is delivered along with other big-ticket road-infrastructure projects for the city such as the Berryden Urban Dual Carriagway,  the 3rd Don Crossing and the Union Terrace Undgerground Car-Park. This is no time for complacency. So we say "Is your journey really necessary?" Whether the answer is yes or no, you MUST use the car!

So, a dubious article which very rudely talks down Aberdeen and talks down the drivers of Aberdeen Cars. All with an agenda behind it. We resist the implications of this article and we cannot believe it's premise and conclusions. And even if we did, we're with the readers who have posted comments to the article's web page. Busses cause congestion. FACT. Bus lanes must be scrapped. END OF.

Monday, 17 January 2011

Please Don't Ride Your Damn Bike on the Street

Fellow travellers over at antidooring.org. Like us, these guys understand that more cars on more roads is the only way to enhance business productivity and overcome current economic problems, and that cyclists are, dog-in-a-manger-like, the major barrier to the achievement of this aim.

Sign their "No Bikes" Pledge:

Each of us can play a part in helping address dooring and other problems associated with the use of public streets by bicycles. Show your support by taking the "No Bikes" pledge:
As a bicyclist, I pledge to stop riding my damn bike on the street.
As a motorist, I pledge to drive my car on public streets and not on dedicated bicycle tracks. I will offer rides to my cyclist friends to make it easier for them to kick the bicycle habit.
As a citizen, I pledge to educate my friends who own bicycles about the pernicious effects of bicycle riding, and I will encourage them to avoid contributing to the dooring problem by walking or using public transportation instead.

Splendid. Let's all get behind antidooring.org and their beautiful vision for our cities!

Friday, 14 January 2011

Cycling Arrogance at Craigton Road.

Not for the first time, important motorists are the victim of cyclit arrogance while going about their lawful business using Her Majesty’s pock-marked and cratered highways.

This incident involed the drivers of Aberdeen Cars driving into and out of Aberdeen on Craigton Road. The cyclit obviously thinks there's something wrong with the driving, as they have arrogantly and didactically appended an excerpt from the Highway Code to the video.

This cyclit has included lots of similar so-called "incidents" on his YouTube Channel.

Other occasions have included shaking heads and wild flappings of hands. On these occasions the motorists have been driving quite reasonably, slowly and, we believe, in a considerate manner. The cyclit was hurt in none of the incidents. So what is he complaining about?

Other than stopping and pushing the car past cyclits, what do these people want the more-important-than-them drivers of Aberdeen Cars to do?

Yes we have sympathy with the cyclits concerned (although that sympathy is evaporating a little with each arrogant gesture). Ideally, country roads should be quieter. But, when there is no by-pass round Aberdeen, there is no alternative but to use country roads to commute. That is simple fact.

Which leads us to hope that these self same arrogant cycling people are not among the ranks of people who are opposing and delaying the AWPR with court orders and other nonsense.

If they are, we have a simple message: You can’t have it both ways!

Either you help expedite a by-pass, or you have to accept heavy traffic on the country roads. Fact.

Despite the fact that this route is radial, not circumferential and despite the fact that the A93 North Deeside Road strategic trunk road is closely parallel to this route, it is clear that (as far as we're concerned) there is no alternative to using this road to commute. FACT. We just prefer this road to the North Deeside Road. It is our super-secret rat-run where the speed limit is not enforced. FACT.

It is also clear that, when the bypass is built, everything will be great and a prosperous future for all will be ensured. All problems will be solved by this peripheral road and radial journeys into and out of town will somehow also be accommodated by the circumferential route. We don't know how, but they will be. FACT.

Much the same stuff happens when arrogant horsey people are involved.

Thursday, 13 January 2011

PaveParker of the Week! M5LFN

The driver of Aberdeen Car Vauxhall Corsa SRI reg. M5LFN deserves special mention. While demonstrating best-practice Full PaveParking, this clever motorist has also all-but blocked Ferryhill's historic Devanah Lane (the steps).

Devanah Lane is an ancient right-of-way regularly used by tax-dodging pestestrians as a so-called non-motor by-pass allowing foot access between the Holburn area and the River Dee, free from pollution, traffic noise, CCTV and light-controlled junctions. By using this route, the pestestrians cock a snook at ordinary people in their nice cars who pay tax and are subject to location monitoring CCTV with numberplate recognition parking charges and everything.

So the PaveParking driver of Aberdeen Car M5LFN is quite right to do his best to snuff out this ancient right-of way; to stamp out this anti-commercial subversive pestestrian activity which does not make a fiscal contribution and does not contribute to economic growth and prosperity for Aberdeen "City and Shire".

Devanah Lane - Disgusting haunt of Subversive Anarchist Pestestrian Seditionists.

Wednesday, 12 January 2011

Enlightened motoring in Broomhill

Mr Cameron's Big Society proceeds apace in Aberdeen "City and Shire". It's great that this spirit of self-empowerment has spread to the hard-pressed drivers of Aberdeen Cars - why should they allow petty officialdom's stupid rules like "red light means stop" stand in their way? They're Busy! They're Important! The Big Society says they can do as they please, dependent upon how important they deem themselves to be. And in this town, the drivers rightly deem themselves to be very important indeed!

In any case, they're definately more important than some automatic petty traffic control robot (the traffic lights.) Gotta get home in time for the Simpsons!

Tuesday, 11 January 2011

Stupid Keep Left Sign? Just Ignore It like H11YOU did!

One of the great things about living today with the thrilling unrolling of Mr Cameron's "Big Society" is the self-empowerment it grants to the citizens of our fine country.

The drivers of Aberdeen Cars are taking full advantage of this rolling-back of the state by awarding themselves the power to ignore traffic signs and restrictions which they don't agree with.

Who is best placed to decide what is appropriate and safe? The driver at street level, or the bureaucrat behind his desk?

Here we see Camilla Parker-Bowles lookalike driver of Aberdeen Car Mitsubushi Shogun reg. H11YOU quite rightly deciding that the Keep Left sign near to Anderson Drive on Aberdeen's Broomhill Road is inappropriately placed. So she just ignores it. What use are pestestrian refuges to her anyway? What use are buses and bus stops? These things and people are just in her way.

Monday, 10 January 2011

SnowParking Roundup

Now that the festive season's over, and the snow and ice have cleared, it's time to take a moment to find out what lessons the drivers of Aberdeen Cars can learn from weather like this. I bet the clever entrepreneurs of Aberdeen can turn this to their advantage!

Parking Restrictions. Frozen! Hoora!

PaveParking is of course something that the drivers of Aberdeen Cars do as a matter of course anyway. Particularly in the upscale West End of the city. However, during the winter months, the clever PaveParkers of the West End provide an extra benefit by actually saving our hard-pressed council precious funds. You see, the PaveParkers actually prevent the gritting and clearing of pavements all over that prestigious district. This is People Power. This is the Big Society: We don't want or need the pavements to be gritted, so we use the means at our disposal to prevent it.

Indeed, why should our council devote precious resources to subsidising the unimportant feckless road-tax-dogding pestestrians? These freeloaders infuriate us with their refusal to contribute to economic growth and pay their way; pay their share with road tax, petrol tax, extra VAT, parking charges, and all the rest. These pestestrians are unimportant, they do not deserve our subsidy. If they were important, they'd be able to afford a nice car, and wouldn't need to waste the council's money on having the pavement gritted, or indeed maintained in any way.

The clever PaveParkers of Aberdeen Cars are doing us all a favour by showing these pestestrians just where they stand in the socioeconomic pecking order, and by freeing up precious roadspace so that the infinitely more important, hard-pressed, busy, clever and responsible motorists can enjoy the benefits of better traffic flow, which, as everyone knows, is the predominant source of economic growth and prosperity.

So, PaveParking is to be encouraged whenever possible. But those new to PaveParking mustn't get carried away. Please don't go too far, the pestestrians might "CarriageWalk".

Pavement? What Pavement?

If the snow conceals the double yellow lines, that means you can park wherever you like. Close to junctions, on the zig-zags, wherever. The No Parking signs don't count when there's snow on the ground. Obviously.

So. Let's look forward to more snow during the remainder of the winter. We just love the parking free-for-all which it implies for the drivers of Aberdeen Cars.

Friday, 7 January 2011

Essential Services - Drain Surgeon SP09XJL

Most drivers of Aberdeen Cars are High Net Value entrepreneurs of some type or another, and one great way to make extra unearned income is via Buy-to-Let (BTL), which has proven very popular in the city during our Long Boom. 

You just buy a tenement flat, ram in some room dividers then cram it full (B&Q sell triple-bunk beds) of students, nurses, care-workers, immigrant waiters, young professionals priced out of property ownership etc etc. You get the idea. House of Multiple Occupancy (HMO) landlord licenses go through on the nod; they never bother checking on the adequacy of water supply, drainage, ventilation etc. And, indeed, nor should they: "Let the Market Decide!" That's our rallying cry.

So, there's nothing worse than when your ungrateful HMO tenants block the toilet with their egregiously over-ample excretions or inappropriately disposed-of ladies' items. Honestly, can't these people wait until they're at work or uni and use the toilet there? Rather that than incur wear and tear and damage on our HMO Buy-to-Let entrepreneur's capital. So inconsiderate.

It's just as well that the pavements in Aberdeen's West End (where the preponderance of HMO's are located) are wide enough to accommodate the Essential Services "Drain Surgeon" van reg. SP09XJL, so often is he summoned to relive the pressure at this HMO.

We are impressed by the "Drain Surgeon"s entrepreneurial flair. Not only is he making the best of this prime opportunity for PaveParkVertising but also he is potentially creating extra business for himself by weight-loading the soil and run-off drain pipes which run under where he has PaveParked his van. Clever.

We also like the name "Drain Surgeon". (Do you see what they've done there?) But nothing, of course, can compete with this famous cherished plate from the same sector:

Thursday, 6 January 2011

PaveParker of the Week! S5AXX

A Happy New Year to all drivers of Aberdeen Cars! We start the year as we intend it to continue with a prime example of Full PaveParking on Aberdeen's Broomhill Road.

The driver of Aberdeen Car Blue Mercedes Benz M-Class Station Wagon ML500 Sport Tiptronic (oooh!) Auto reg. S5AXX with its 5 litre engine knows how to demonstrate his or her place in the hierarchy of public-space use. With a car like that, it's clearly at the very top! The driver of this Aberdeen Car is clearly At The Top of His or Her Game.

This should make the pestestrian think. Careful not to scratch this fine piece of German automotive engineering with its 5 litre engine, the poor pestestrian is forced to consider her place in the big scheme of things. And yes, she is forced to conclude that, even on the pavement, she must give way and give up space to Aberdeen Cars. And quite right too.

We particularly like the way the driver has allowed Just Enough Space for a pestestrian to pass. This inconveniences the pestestrian just enough for the clever driver to establish his or her superiority to the pestestrian, while not inconveniencing the pestestrian quite enough to provoke the radical response which is CarriageWalking. Which isn't allowed. Or shouldn't be.