Valuable Lessons for Mother and Baby

A CitizenContribution arrives in the Aberdeen Cars inbox:

    From:     [citizencontributerali]@yahoo.co.uk
    Subject:     CityLink - Kings of the Road and Pavement
    To:     aberdeencars@gmail.com
   
Dear Mr Skidmark, 

Yesterday the wee boy Jimmy and I were out for a push in the pram going through Culter and we saw this most excellent example of The big green and yellow parcel machine pavement parking. 

As you can see there was not enough space for little jimmy's pram to push between the van and the pavement, I had a choice, push into the oncoming traffic or go through the BP/[Expensive]M&S forecourt.   I chose the latter but still no space - the driver of the blue van further put me in my place by verbally communicating to me, and everyone else in earshot, it was a garage and not a playgroup for fornicating.  He's correct but what's a mum to do?

As we returned I realised how small and insignificant us pedestrians - and pram pushers are.  Please can you use your website to thank City-Link for teaching us such an important lesson.

Yours
Alison (& the wee boy Jimmy)

 

Of course, what CitizenContributor Alison has failed to point out is that the Citylink van WR08JFA is not only teaching mother and baby a valuable lesson about what's expected of a yummy mummy in Aberdeen "City and Shire", but is also fouling the cycle lane, thus demonstrating that cyclists are simply not wanted here.

But, that aside, all this begs the question: Why was Citizen Contributor Alison pushing a baby about the place outside? We considered reporting this case to social services - surely any mother who truly cares about her child would be transporting wee Jimmy in a nice safe warm dry car, like any good mother would. But, reading between the lines, we can tell that CitizenContributor Alison is in the process of learning the error of her ways, and will (pretty soon we hope) join in with mainstream society and get herself a nice wee car to ferry little Jimmy about the place. In this way, not only will she no longer stand out as a pedestrian, but will at last contribute to the necessary economic growth which makes Aberdeen "City and Shire" the economic powerhouse which will pull the whole of UKplc out of recession.

PaveParking on Cragie Loanings - Citizen Contribution

Citizen Contributor 'Ben' clicked the hotlink at the right of the page, sending an emergency e-mail to aberdeencars@gmail.com which alerted us to this appalling state of affairs just off Aberdeen's Cragie Loanings.



'Ben' says:

This was taken on the Craigie Loanings one way lane, leading onto Rosemount Place. It's a narrow road, as is the pavement, but MW08WVB has a lot to learn from SJ53NZU about proper PaveParking.

Indeed, 'Ben' and thanks for the Citizen Contribution!  The driver of Aberdeen Car Saab 9-3 Sport (oooh!) reg. MW08WVB is letting the side down and not getting out of the way of the traffic flow as well as he should. His PaveParking is what we call 'slight'.

Further along the lane the driver of Aberdeen Car BMW 530i reg. SJ53NZU shows how it is done. Right over the kerb. Makes the pestestrians think about their 'life choices'.

SnowParking Roundup

Now that the festive season's over, and the snow and ice have cleared, it's time to take a moment to find out what lessons the drivers of Aberdeen Cars can learn from weather like this. I bet the clever entrepreneurs of Aberdeen can turn this to their advantage!

Parking Restrictions. Frozen! Hoora!

PaveParking is of course something that the drivers of Aberdeen Cars do as a matter of course anyway. Particularly in the upscale West End of the city. However, during the winter months, the clever PaveParkers of the West End provide an extra benefit by actually saving our hard-pressed council precious funds. You see, the PaveParkers actually prevent the gritting and clearing of pavements all over that prestigious district. This is People Power. This is the Big Society: We don't want or need the pavements to be gritted, so we use the means at our disposal to prevent it.

Indeed, why should our council devote precious resources to subsidising the unimportant feckless road-tax-dogding pestestrians? These freeloaders infuriate us with their refusal to contribute to economic growth and pay their way; pay their share with road tax, petrol tax, extra VAT, parking charges, and all the rest. These pestestrians are unimportant, they do not deserve our subsidy. If they were important, they'd be able to afford a nice car, and wouldn't need to waste the council's money on having the pavement gritted, or indeed maintained in any way.

The clever PaveParkers of Aberdeen Cars are doing us all a favour by showing these pestestrians just where they stand in the socioeconomic pecking order, and by freeing up precious roadspace so that the infinitely more important, hard-pressed, busy, clever and responsible motorists can enjoy the benefits of better traffic flow, which, as everyone knows, is the predominant source of economic growth and prosperity.

So, PaveParking is to be encouraged whenever possible. But those new to PaveParking mustn't get carried away. Please don't go too far, the pestestrians might "CarriageWalk".

Pavement? What Pavement?

If the snow conceals the double yellow lines, that means you can park wherever you like. Close to junctions, on the zig-zags, wherever. The No Parking signs don't count when there's snow on the ground. Obviously.

So. Let's look forward to more snow during the remainder of the winter. We just love the parking free-for-all which it implies for the drivers of Aberdeen Cars.

CitizenContribution - "Catch a bus, thanks."

A dangerous cyclist has been brought to our attention via the CitizenContributor hot-link.



An anonymous contributer writes:

Look how far he is in from the kerb... Of course it's a close call.

He should pull a bit in and give himself some space... I bet he is one of these drunken cyclists that wobble everywhere...

I bet, that when he's at a red light he does everything he can not to put any feet on the floor but he never gives me the satisfaction of falling over.

Catch a bus, thanks.

Indeed, anonymous, and thanks for that, we only had to make a few changes for spelling and grammar. And syntax. And comprehension.

Of course the cyclist is using far too much of the taxpayer lane when he pulls out to avoid the large puddle in the gutter, forcing the green Subaru Legacy Estate 2.5 GX reg. W342VHR to pass him so closely. The driver has no choice in the matter. He's busy, he's important, he's hard-pressed. He's GOT to get to ASDA before the cyclist. That's the natural order of things. Cars first, see? I bet.

We haven't read the Highway Code for some years, but we're quite sure that this is a rule in it. And if it isn't it should be, and probably will be now that we have a Tory Government. Cyclists must always and everywhere get out of the way of the important busy hard-pressed motorists who, having paid for the road, have first call on its use. Particularly at ASDA, when in all likelyhood, the VIP motorist is keen to make a premium selection from the "mile-o-meat". I bet. Hm, that's a good point - why would a vegetarian cyclist be going to ASDA anyway? I bet he's an animal rights activist.

Anyway, we agree with our correspondent that the gutter is where cyclists belong, along with the filth, the broken Totov vodka bottles, the used condoms and the heroin-needles which characterise this splendid car-park location in Garthdee. If, indeed, as the correspondent says, cyclists are "drunken", then the gutter is definitely where they belong! I bet.

But we must take issue with our correspondent's assertion that the cyclist should catch a bus. That would justify the continued existence of the much-hated bus-lanes, which everyone knows should be re-assigned for car use immediately. So no, we must disagree with any policy which increases bus use. You slipped up there, anonymous, I bet!

So what should our ASDA-bound cyclist do? Walk? Don't be silly! There's no pavement to take you to ASDA from this Garthdee Road approach. No, of course - once you think about it the solution is obvious - he should conform with the vast majority of Aberdeen folk and drive to ASDA.

Our anonymous correspondent sets a great example, showing what splendid specimens of humanity the drivers of Aberdeen Cars are. And, what's more, he shows just how considerate and polite to lesser road users the drivers of Aberdeen Cars are by signing off his message with the word "thanks".

No, no - thanks are due to you.

CitizenContribution - PaveParking at Pitfodels

A CitizenContribution from our suburbs today. "Kay" has clicked the link to our top-tips e-mail hotline (to the right) and drawn our attention to this excellent use of the redundant pavement on Craigton Road; that most favourite secret high-speed link between Airyhall and Cults, used regularly by drivers-in-the-know. The 30mph speed limit on Craigton Road is never enforced - thank goodness! So drivers are free to express themselves by approaching the thrilling switchback of "Jacobs Ladder" at high speed - just like Tiff Needell!

"Kay" writes:

The gentry of Woodlands of Pitfodels were obviously worried that they wouldn't get their cars out of their driveways. I'm sure they complained to the cooncil about the lack of ploughs on their cul-de-sac. I had to deal with the slush on the road but on reflection it is my own fault - I must be the poorest person living in this area as we only have one car and I have to walk to work. Perhaps I should move, I would hate to bring the area down.

This was last Friday but the cars have persisted all week.

Thanks

"Kay"

Thanks are due to you, "Kay". You've used your digital camera to capture two examples of advanced PaveParking.

First we see Beige VW Golf Diesel Hatchback reg. SL54YOR making full use of the pavement, as is their right. This causes the less important pedestrians (see the footprints?) to leave the pavement and walk on the carriageway. This is terrible. Let's hope these selfish pedestrians didn't disrupt the very important journey of some VIP motorist making his speedy way between Airyhall and Cults.

Why don't these pedestrians just get themselves a nice car. Like this one:

Silver Grey Mercedes Benz CLK Cabriolet 200K 'Elegance' (oooh!) with Cherished Plate X11DLB shows us yet another advanced aspect of PaveParking. Being the type of motor driven exclusively by aspirational top-management-class people, it is obviously subject to the envy and avarice of the lower classes, who might like to try and steal it. So, cleverly, the driver of this splendid silver-grey German auto has been sure to PavePark it just below a streetlamp. Clever! No wonder they're "Management Material"! They deserve that Cherished Plate.