PaveParker of the Week! Y151WSS

At the junction of Seafield Road and Anderson Drive in Aberdeen's exclusive, upscale West End we have what can only be described as a thrillingly car-dominated environment. This demonstrates Aberdeen's wealth. The traffic roar is overwhelming and large radius bends speed the busy important traffic on its way with the least possible hindrance. This demonstrates that our city fathers and planners have their heads screwed on and know how to prioritise the right kind of transport. This promotes economic growth for Aberdeen "City and Shire".

What few pedestrians brave this motor-centric environment are corralled and herded between barriers and boundary features on pavements which become narrower and narrower with every single traffic-flow-enhancing improvement to the junction. This rightly marginalises and puts pressure on those who insist on clinging to the old ways. Old ways like dangerously walking to the shops, work or school; old ways like going for a "stroll". Ugh!

That's why we were delighted that the driver of Aberdeen Car VW Golf 1.9 SE TDi reg. Y151WSS has made every effort to close off that final piece of urban space left assigned to pedestrians. This sends out all the right messages: people on foot not welcome here!

So congratulations to the driver of this Aberdeen Car! You are this week's PaveParker of the Week! Yay!

The Silent Majority wants to Save Our Heritage.

It can be tough going at times, trying to motivate the silent majority: continually issuing rallying cries to our silent silent supporters in aid of our campaign to "Save the Denburn Dual Carriageway!" ('like' us on FaceBook, 'follow' us on Twitter).

A woefully underused urban asset.
Part of our heritage under threat.
What can YOU do to help?

We take our obligations on behalf our our huge but largely silent support very seriously; the job has a high profile and entails real responsibility. As part of what we do, sometimes - like over the last few weeks - it's been necessary to report on the threats to not only the Denburn Dual Carriageway but also our worries about the other road projects which we hold dear in Aberdeen "City and Shire". It's upsetting work - we have to look at things which nobody should have to look at and read proposals nobody should have to read - but somebody's got to do it. One of the dangers of this type of work is that it can skew your perspective - turn you paranoid - you begin to see cyclits and pestestrians literally everywhere, murmering their creed of "reallocation".

But, we've had a nice weekend - got the car parked directly outside the house so we could look at it whenever we wanted to (comforting) and so we settled down to count our blessings. We noticed that our local MP, Dame Anne Begg, tweeting furiously that the AWPR Aberdeen Bypass is still a party priority, despite all sorts of anti-bypass misinformation promoted by our Dundee-based local press. And we also comforted ourselves with these thoughts:

Don't worry - we'll fix this
medieval aberration on the A90.

Firstly, the work which will complete the A90 Trunk Road Anderson Drive "Ring Road".

• The forthcoming improvements to the historic Bridge of Dee (it's recent de-scheduling as a Scheduled Ancient Monument opens the way to its significant modification and widening as part of the A90 trunk road)
• The improvements to the Haudagain Roundabout at the A90 A96 junction - a flyover? An underpass? Exciting! One things for sure, some social housing full of unemployed people and students will be bulldozed to make way for it. Good.

Inner Ring Road

Secondly, the work which will complete the "Inner-City Ring Road".

• The Berryden Corridor
• The Link to Great Northern Road
• Some stuff to do with buses at Powis Terrace

Thirdly, and most excitingly, the Aberdeen Western Peripheral Route - The Aberdeen Bypass itself. Still a priority for Dame Anne Begg MP, and MSP candidate Gregg Williams of the Labour Party. This will be a motorway. Sort of.

So, yes. Soon Aberdeen will be a city which has not one, not two, but three - yes three ring-roads. Two of these will be thrilling urban-dual-carriageways, and the third will be a motorway. Fabulous!

At last we can see the future - the future our forefathers envisaged in the 1952 Local Plan - a future full of cars busily speeding about on our three ring-roads creating economic growth for the whole country. By heaven it'll have taken a long time to get there - but it'll be worth it. The future IS what it used to be. These retro-modern transport plans are cutting edge. They say that if you wait long enough, fashions come round again. That means that Aberdeen is avant-garde.

Some say that these mid-20th century plans now reaching implementation are now out of place and unsustainable against the dark background of resource depletion and climate change. They say that the effort would be better expended getting Aberdeen "City and Shire" hooked up to next-generation fibre-optic high-speed broadband, but we don't really know what that means, so we ignore these calls. They say that the future can only be assured by the up-to-datedness of the fastest possible 21st century internet connectivity - but we think they don't know what connectivity means. The growth-generating drivers of Aberdeen Cars are only interested in the sort of connectivity which dual-carriageways and motorways can provide! High speed traffic flow! Now that's connectivity!

Soon enough, our city centre will be regenerated by efficient traffic flow delivering large numbers of high-speed drivers into the city-centre at a higher rate than ever before. More car-parks will be definitely be needed. And so our beloved Denburn heritage Dual Carriageway will saved for future generations. Hooray!

Kill KIIIILLLLL KIIIIILLLLLLLL!!!!

Kill them all if you love your car!

But what of the carbon emissions? Well, we all know that global warming is just a conspiracy theory to to make motorists feel guilty - yes, a myth put about by jealous hippy types who envy our lovely cars (and, as pointed out by our mentors at Bristol Traffic, what about all the carbon emissions caused by the manufacture of too many cycle helmets and high visibility jackets, eh?). But anyway - whatever! - we draw their sting with the Granite City Forest project. This project sort-of offsets the expected increase in carbon emissions by 'planting a tree for every citizen' and necessitates the slaughter of all the deer on Tullos hill.

Good. These spongeing animals do not contribute to economic growth. About these useless roe deer we care not a jot - they are in the way of our plans for dual carriageways and motorways. They deserve to die. Will we get to eat them?

So it's time for the silent majority to stand up and be counted, and hopefully encourage others to do the same. If you love your cars, if you love driving you MUST spread the word:

'Like' us on FaceBook, 'Follow' us on Twitter.

SV10VXX Estabilshes the Hierarchy

We always laugh when we hear talk of transport mode travel "hierarchies", like this one which is from Government Agency Transport Scotland's Travel Plan 2010 - 2013.

Our Travel Plan is underpinned by the ethos that the greenest mile is the mile not travelled and we will follow the travel hierarchy set out below:

• no travel – business travel should only be undertaken when it is absolutely essential. Communication technologies such as audio or video conferencing can often deliver the same outcome and save the time which would otherwise have been spent travelling

• walking – a healthy form of transport, viable for journeys, or parts of journeys, up to 2km

• cycling – a healthy and reliable form of travel for journeys of up to 5km

• bus, rail, and other modes of public transport – for essential medium to long journeys, rail travel is the best option, while buses are good for local journeys. Taxis can be used for intra-city business journeys if travel by bus, walking or cycling is not viable

• car travel – a car is necessary for some journeys and a hire car will be the first choice. We promote the use of hire cars over employees’ own vehicles as there are likely cost and carbon savings, and reduced health and safety risks. TS hire cars can be delivered to employees’ homes, offices or rail stations. This means that staff can combine a rail trip with a hire car travel to reach their destination and therefore maximise productive travel time and reduce emissions

• private car – only when a hire car is not viable. As with hire cars, staff should share with other colleagues whenever possible

Hahahaha, yeah right!

Our undercover agent who operates from a position embedded deep within the Aberdeen cycling "activist community" captured this video.  It shows driver of Aberdeen Car Vauxhall Corsa Hatch "Special" (oooh!) EDS 1.3 CDTi reg. SV10VXX establishing and reinforcing the correct hierarchy; the "facts on the ground":

Cars before bikes! Under any and all circumstances!

Travel plans from government agencies should be updated accordingly in order to correspond with reality.

Our Call to Ban Winter Cycling

We were very disappointed to read a report on STV's news website

"Cyclist Injured in Car Collision"

Yes its terrible: the language used in the report is completely neutral! For example, they say: "A collision between a car and a male cyclist..." with no hint of finger-pointing at all.

We think that this sends out the wrong message. Everyone knows that cycling is an extremely dangerous abnormal fringe activity, undertaken at the cyclist's own risk. If someone (and Ford alone knows why they would) chooses to engage in this kind of reckless behaviour, it is their own responsibility to ensure they do not get in the way of the driver of an Aberdeen Car, who is, after all, merely going about their lawful business ensuring a future of prosperous economic growth for all citizens in Aberdeen "City and Shire". And yes, that even includes ungrateful non-contributing citizens like cyclits and pestestrians. See how altruistic and caring the drivers of Aberdeen Cars are?

Amazingly, the report - while stating that the road was closed for over an hour, does not emphasise the serious inconvenience and frustration this will have caused to road-tax-paying motorists who, unlike the ungrateful freebooting cyclits, have paid through the nose for the right to unfettered access to the highway. Nor does the report make any attempt at calculating the cost to the economy incurred, all because a road-tax-dodging cyclit got in the way of the benificent yet hard-pressed driver of an Aberdeen Car and causing what we call "Road Closed Misery".

Road Closed Misery

This is intolerable. We think it's time for some radical intervention and common sense. It was cold and frosty in Aberdeen on the day of the incident, and the sun is very low in the sky at this time of year. There is literally no reason for people to be riding bicycles in this sort of weather and environment. FACT. Hey greenies! It's winter! Why-oh-why are you cycling? If you can't afford a nice car, or even the bus fare, just give yourself time to walk to your destination.

As a matter of fact, we propose that it should be against the law to ride a bicycle on City and Shire streets during the winter time. The pro-environment people who insist on showing off by riding bicycles are putting their own adherents at risk and increasing the chances of accidents where they otherwise would not happen. It's time to bring this madness to an end once and for all.

We can understand that cycling in the summer is a nice, pleasant family pastime. In the public park, for instance, and well away from busy important traffic. You put your bike on a rack on the tailgate of your Range Rover and drive to your chosen cycling recreational venue. Then you cycle round and round for a bit, then you put the bike back on the rack and drive home. A lovely day out, a holiday or weekend hobby. But we just can't see why anyone would be cycling on a cold day like today. It's perverse, it's masochistic, and it's offensive that these people should be rubbing our busy important hard-pressed noses in it. We'd like to see it being made, literally, into an offence. These people need saving from themselves. The super new Big Society government is all for minimum intervention and lawmaking, looking to devolve power down to the lowest possible political level, so perhaps we can look for our local council to introduce a by-law to ban winter cycling in Aberdeen "City and Shire".

Now, don't get us wrong, we're delighted to read that the cyclist's injuries were not life-threatening (we're not callous monsters!) But, we were horrified that the STV News report made no mention of the damage which will have been done to the car. Neither did the report mention whether or not the cyclit was wearing a helmet.

All in all, very poor journalism. We begin to suspect that STV, in common with other elements of the local press, are acting with an anti-car bias and agenda.

Don't they know that the War on Motorists is over?

Stupid Keep Left Sign? Just Ignore It like H11YOU did!

One of the great things about living today with the thrilling unrolling of Mr Cameron's "Big Society" is the self-empowerment it grants to the citizens of our fine country.

The drivers of Aberdeen Cars are taking full advantage of this rolling-back of the state by awarding themselves the power to ignore traffic signs and restrictions which they don't agree with.

Who is best placed to decide what is appropriate and safe? The driver at street level, or the bureaucrat behind his desk?

Here we see Camilla Parker-Bowles lookalike driver of Aberdeen Car Mitsubushi Shogun reg. H11YOU quite rightly deciding that the Keep Left sign near to Anderson Drive on Aberdeen's Broomhill Road is inappropriately placed. So she just ignores it. What use are pestestrian refuges to her anyway? What use are buses and bus stops? These things and people are just in her way.