A Great Idea from the Good Ol' U S of A

Here at Aberdeen Cars, we like America. We specifically like Houston, but we like all of America and all things American. That's why we like this; the PedFlag:

PedFlag is the name of a programme in Kirkland, Washington (on the west coast of the US) which places orange or yellow flags at crosswalks to help pedestrians gain the attention of drivers. With the aid of the brightly colored flag that can be held out in front of the pedestrian and/or waved, the pedestrian is better able to attract the attention of the driver sooner by becoming more visible.

You see, we're not monsters. We don't want to hurt pedestrians - oh no. We just want them to know their place and to feel lesser than us. The PedFlag is a sure fire way of achieving just this. There's this video:



"Take it to make it". Heh. We like that - the implication being, of course that if you don't "take it" you might not "make it" because then you'll be fair game and it won't be our fault if we run you over. In pioneering Kirkland WA (home of the PedFlag) there were 62 people run over in a year. But as the cop in the video says: "Of those 62, none of them were carrying a flag - it stands to reason: people who are carrying a flag aren't getting run into".

So, we want to see this introduced for Aberdeen "City and Shire". PedFlags on some street crossings. And pedestrians don't get to cross the road unless waving a flag.

Sinister Forces of Re-allocation. Guild St

Can you see what's wrong with this picture? Yes, that's right - it's the most insidious threat to the drivers of Aberdeen Cars - the Sinister Forces of roadspace re-allocation have been at work.


At first, you might not notice what's happened. But then you'll see the oddly-curtailed road-markings, the strange mid-pavement placing of a lamp-post. A mid-pavement gutter. And then you realise - the pavement has been built-out onto the motorists road-space! What?! We can see no good reason at all for this unilateral annexation of the roadtaxpayer funded carriageway space in favour of the tax-dodging pestestrians.

The location is Aberdeen's Guild Street and this road forms part of the vital giratory system at the heart of the city's inner-city ring-road. Where once the giratory was three-lanes wide, now it is pinched to just two at this spot outside the Station Hotel. That's a 33% re-allocation in favour of the scroungers.

From this giratory, important executives in their nice Aberdeen Cars are distributed west to the ever-popular upmarket villas of Ferryhill, south to the oil-industrial estates of Tullos and Altens and north on the Denburn Dual Carrageway to the rest of the city. This makes it all the more perplexing and worrying to us that the anti-car, anti-economy, Sinister Forces of roadspace reallocation have chosen this spot to go about their foul business increasing the size of the pavements. We understand that this extended footspace (is that what it's called?) is intended to 'accommodate' increased pestestrian flow between the Trinity Centre shopping mall and the Union Square shopping mall. But that can't be right; both these malls have large car-parks, so what sort of person would want to walk between the two and get all windswept?

A closer look at the photo above perhaps gives us some clues. Not one of these people is wearing a suit. None of them carries a briefcase. What with all those casually-dressed people walking around Aberdeen these days rather than use the lovely big road, the place is looking a bit like DSS-land or StudentVille or something. This sends out all the wrong messages.We can only thank Ford that they are constrained behind those aluminium railings, lest they just come out of nowhere and endanger our no claims bonuses!

But, on a very serious note, this roadspace reallocation work sets a dangerous precedent. We are aware that the Sinister Forces of re-allocation are girding their loins and have the Denburn Dual Carriageway in their sights. That's why it's vital that all Aberdeen Drivers of good faith join our our popular campaign to to "Save the Denburn Dual Carriageway!" ('like' us on FaceBook, 'follow' us on Twitter)

Our numbers are swelling. Our collective voice will be heard!

"Codename JannieJumbo" Demonstrates Cycling's Inadequacy

We're pleased that our deep-cover operative lurking and smirking from behind his "legend" within the Aberdeen "Cycling Activist" community is beginning to come back into the fold.

In this video, which he left in our new dead-letterbox on the top-deck of the Union Square car-park, he demonstrates just how much superiority there is in "vehicular" behaviour - the poor fella! He's cycling as if it's a car!

More Cars on More Roads Leads To Rome

While some misguided commentators call for Aberdeen to adopt a Northern European model of traffic management, we here at Aberdeen Cars call for a more nuanced approach. You see, the greenie hippies and other War on the Motorist crusaders are always banging on about global warming and trying to make hard-pressed motorists feel guilty about getting about using the transport mode of their convenience and free choice.

Well, firstly, let us point out that anyone who lives in Aberdeen "City and Shire" would be perfectly reasonably within their rights to think that a bit of warming would be a good thing. Particularly this winter! Brrrr!

So if global warming is real (which it isn't! - everyone knows it's just an excuse to tax Britain's beleaguered motorists more and more!) and the climate heats up, we should expect more Mediterranean-style weather. Therefore, we should adopt Southern European models for traffic management - as pointed out in this illustrative, educational and inspiring photograph taken by Bill, Other Aberdeen's Foreign Correspondent, reporting from the streets of Rome.

Dateline Roma

Bill submitted his report by clicking the CitizenContribution hot-link to the left of the page and e-mailing his copy to abedeencars@gmail.com And for that we thank him very much.

As this plucky foreign corespondent's reportage states, both cars in the picture are parked, it was getting near the end of the day and some of the cars had moved off making this parking position look all the more innovative. Note the zebra crossing, the drivers of both cars didn’t - and why should they? The road-space in Roma is rightly theirs to do with as they please.

An interesting aspect of this photo is the so-called 'smart parking' by the Smart Car. At Aberdeen Cars we don't really like smart cars, we think that they are the thin end of a very big environmental wedge. So we're pleased to see the proper car - the 4x4 - blocking it in and teaching the Smart Car's driver an important lesson: "Ooops, sorry, we thought your car was just a bollard. Or maybe a bin."

SnowParking Roundup

Now that the festive season's over, and the snow and ice have cleared, it's time to take a moment to find out what lessons the drivers of Aberdeen Cars can learn from weather like this. I bet the clever entrepreneurs of Aberdeen can turn this to their advantage!

Parking Restrictions. Frozen! Hoora!

PaveParking is of course something that the drivers of Aberdeen Cars do as a matter of course anyway. Particularly in the upscale West End of the city. However, during the winter months, the clever PaveParkers of the West End provide an extra benefit by actually saving our hard-pressed council precious funds. You see, the PaveParkers actually prevent the gritting and clearing of pavements all over that prestigious district. This is People Power. This is the Big Society: We don't want or need the pavements to be gritted, so we use the means at our disposal to prevent it.

Indeed, why should our council devote precious resources to subsidising the unimportant feckless road-tax-dogding pestestrians? These freeloaders infuriate us with their refusal to contribute to economic growth and pay their way; pay their share with road tax, petrol tax, extra VAT, parking charges, and all the rest. These pestestrians are unimportant, they do not deserve our subsidy. If they were important, they'd be able to afford a nice car, and wouldn't need to waste the council's money on having the pavement gritted, or indeed maintained in any way.

The clever PaveParkers of Aberdeen Cars are doing us all a favour by showing these pestestrians just where they stand in the socioeconomic pecking order, and by freeing up precious roadspace so that the infinitely more important, hard-pressed, busy, clever and responsible motorists can enjoy the benefits of better traffic flow, which, as everyone knows, is the predominant source of economic growth and prosperity.

So, PaveParking is to be encouraged whenever possible. But those new to PaveParking mustn't get carried away. Please don't go too far, the pestestrians might "CarriageWalk".

Pavement? What Pavement?

If the snow conceals the double yellow lines, that means you can park wherever you like. Close to junctions, on the zig-zags, wherever. The No Parking signs don't count when there's snow on the ground. Obviously.

So. Let's look forward to more snow during the remainder of the winter. We just love the parking free-for-all which it implies for the drivers of Aberdeen Cars.

Essential Services - Fags and Booze.

We've all been outraged by the disgraceful state of some of the roads in Aberdeen in the current snowy weather, so it's great to know that Knights of the Road M&H Carriers are making sure to get essential winter supplies through to the shops. In this case, cigarettes and beer are being delivered to the Co-op on Holburn Street.

The driver of MAN delivery van 371PKO here shows exemplary dedication to his "appointed round" by making sure that the fags and booze get through.

No matter the weather, priorities are priorities! So important is this delivery that the driver has placed his van as close as is possible to the door of the supermarket. This serves two important health and safety functions.

• Firstly health - it's cold isn't it? So by minimising his exposure to the Siberian blast, our driver is protecting his health and making sure that he'll not need to take any sick-days off due to the sniffles. By this selfless action, he is making sure that the Co-op will NEVER run out of fags. Or booze.
• Secondly safety - the driver is right to minimise the distance he must ferry the fags and booze to the door of the shop because the ground is slippy underfoot. This is because Aberdeen City Council know what side their bread's buttered on and haven't bothered wasting any money in gritting or clearing the pavements. The pavements, of course, being used only by poor people who lack the "clout" of the VIP motoring lobby. Oh yes, our council knows that the outrage and opprobrium that the local papers and hard-pressed motoring public would rain down on them if they used even one grain of grit on the pavement while one single flake of snow remains on the carriageway would be so severe that no councillor could ever hope to be re-elected ever again. So, very wisely, the council have prioritised traffic flow rather than pandering to the self-serving calls of a minority of vocal self-appointed pedestrian's champions. As can be seen in the photo - the road is nice and clear of snow, while the pavement remains treacherous. This is as it should be. The council has got it's priorities right.

It's been pointed out that in order to achieve this most efficient delivery-position, the driver has had to place his van on the so-called "zig-zags" associated with the pelican crossing. However, in this case, the council has cleverly considered the needs of the delivery drivers who provide the essential deliveries of fags and booze (oh, and crisps) to the Co-op, and have cleverly left the so-called "zig-zags" obscured from view by snow, ice and slush. Because the delivery driver cannot see the so-called "zig-zags" (even though he might know well that they are there) he can, with a clear conscence, ignore them and proceed with the execution of his essential delivery service. In any case, the driver is flashing his hazard-lights (exemption lights) which demonstrate his knowledge of this exemption.

You see, what isn't widely known by pedestrians (how could they?) is that the so-called "zig-zags" operate as a kind of need-responsive parking space; responsive to the needs of the hard-pressed motorist-in-a-hurry who lacks the time to look for a formal parking space. In this case, this flexibility of purpose is put to good use by the van driver, who is using the so-called "zig-zags" secondary function as an emergency high-priority-unloading bay for essential winter supplies.

Some whining pedestrians might moan that this parking on the so-called "zig-zags" is dangerous. But we say "No!" What the ever-demanding pedestrian pests maybe can't see is that the delivery driver has made a significant enhancement to road safety by minimising the risk that oncoming motorists might become distracted by the suddenly-changing-and-flishy-flashing lights of the pedestrian crossing - the bulk of the van actually hides the lights from the view of oncoming motorists.

Everyone knows that the increase in road-clutter distracts the driver's attention from important and safety-critical in-cockpit actions, such as re-setting the satnav or lighting a cigarette, changing to the next Bryan Adams track on the CD or texting his or her stockbroker. So, by hiding the lights from view with the bulk of his van, the delivery driver is leaving the busy Holburn Street motorist free to concentrate on more important stuff and the prospect of getting his or her foot down on the high-speed drag that is Great Southern Road ahead.

Moreover, when an important motorist-in-a-hurry parks on the so-called "zig-zags" to pop into the Co-op for some much-needed cigarettes, or when an essential-services courier uses them as a high-priority-unloading bay, we say that this actually enhances safety for the pedestrians, as it screens them from the oncoming traffic, thus sheltering them from the extreme danger usually associated with pedestrianism and as everyone can see actually making the crossing all the safer! 

But do the pedestrians appreciate this? Do they heck! They should be grateful, especially if they've just been into the Co-op for some fags and booze, as delivered by the Essential Services delivery driver of M&H Carriers MAN delivery van 371PKO.

The courier's code:

We are mothers and fathers. And sons and daughters. Who every day go about our lives with duty, honor and pride. And neither snow, nor rain, nor heat, nor gloom of night, nor the winds of change, nor a nation challenged, will stay us from the swift completion of our appointed rounds. Ever.

We think that the driver of M&H Carriers MAN delivery van 371PKO has fulfilled his obligations to the couriers code, and then some! So we've written to his employers to tell them so.

Essential Services

The driver of Evening Express delivery van SW008 HYR demonstrates advanced parking and delivery technique. The Holburn Street Co-op is a popular spot for motorists to pop in for a Ginsters or something on their way to somewhere important; the Pelican Crossing (for those too poor to own cars) and its so-called 'zig-zags' providing an excellent parking platform - very convenient for a close proximity high-speed pit-stop. Just like Sebastian Vettel! Failed wannabe racing driver Tiff Nedell would be proud.

But it's not all Ginsters snack bars! To while away the time in Aberdeen's notorious gridlock keen motorists may want to read about the forthcoming AWPR and all the measures being deployed around Aberdeen to try to stamp out cycling. What better place to "read all about it" than in our comfortingly pro-motorcar local press? The Evening Express delivery man is therefore performing an Essential Service, which comes with privileges concomitant with his advanced driver status.

The photos show us several aspects of this driver's advanced technique:

He demonstrates the fact that he is performing an Essential Service by blinking the hazard lights ("exempt-lights", as we call them), which of course perform the same function as the flashing blue or red lights used by the Emergency Services. In each case they demonstrate that the vehicle is doing Something Very Important.

Eschewing even the zig-zags (where he has every right to park, probably?), he parks directly on the pedestrian section of the crossing, as delineated by the carriageway-embedded metal studs. This enables the hard-pressed but very important delivery driver to cleverly make full use of the dropped kerb and anti-slip paving slaps, while simultaneously preventing any people of lesser importance from making use of the crossing on foot. While this might seem at first to be a little selfish, we understand, of course, that the delivery driver is actually using this choice of position as a safety feature - by putting off others from using the crossing, he reduces the risk that any foot-user might become injured by bumping into him as he goes about his Essential Service.

To further reduce the risk of interference as he goes about performing his Essential Service, in an elemental audio-visual display of alpha-male dominance, the delivery driver proudly and prominently exhibits his many manly tattoos while intimidating foul and personal abuse issues from his mouth in the direction of the camera operator. The black gloves also add a sinister touch. Don't mess!

Oh, if only he knew that we were going to praise him and his innovative and highly advanced delivery driving technique!

We believe that the Delivery Driver of Evening Express van SW08 HYR deserves an award for the heroic way he goes about performing his Essential Service. So we've written to his employers to tell them so.

PaveParker of the Week! OW08 EYU

As everyone knows, most traffic regulations in Aberdeen are advisory only - allowing room for our motivated and enabled motorists to THINK FOR THEMSELVES.

One grey area is the so-called "zig-zags" we can see around those pesky tax-dodger crossings - the dreaded Pelican. But one thing's for sure, even if it is a bit naughty to park on the "zig-zags" (we don't know why it would be?), everyone knows that traffic regulations are not enforced on Sunday, so enabling the advanced Aberdeen driver to do as he pleases. And quite right too! We noticed a fabulous example of just such an empowered Aberdeen Driver yesterday, outside the Holburn Street Co-op.

The exemplary driver of Black BMW 320d SE reg. OW08 EYU displays many aspects of advanced motorism. Firstly - showing that he can THINK FOR HIMSELF - he parks on the so-called "zig-zags". (We don't even know what they're for? What else could their function possibly be?) Secondly, he PaveParks by putting both nearside wheels on the pavement just to show the tax-avoiding unimportant pedestrians that he can and thus establishing and consolidating the proper hierarchy of things. Thirdly, this advanced maneuver is being executed on a Sunday, so - even if there might be 'issues' with parking on the so-called "zig-zags" - nothing bad can happen to the motorist. Fourthly, the motorist demonstrates his advanced knowledge of all the above by flashing his hazard lights (or "exempt" lights, as we prefer to call them). The orange flashing lights draw our attention to his fantastic skill, knowledge and superiority.

And fifthly, the motorist is demonstrating his philanthropic, caring and compassionate side by actually screening the poor pedestrians from the oncoming traffic, thus sheltering them from the extreme danger usually associated with pedestrianism and as everyone can see actually making the crossing all the safer!

For all the above, this driver is is clearly our PaveParker of the week. And soooo much more!