Morrisons Supermarket - Consolidating Social Mobility

When our Big Society Prime Minister Mr David Cameron announced that, in future, council house tenancies were to have fixed terms in order to "increase social mobility" we knew what he meant. Encouraging those layabout social housing denizens to pull themselves out of the underclass, get decent jobs and proper mortgages and everything is something that everyone knows is a necessary measure to promote economic growth in these austerity times. And pulling the safety net of social housing away from these people after just a few years is just the kind of common sense, tough love policies which is sure to work a treat. Council houses will now be regarded as emergency housing, like a homeless shelter or asylum-seekers' hospital or the kind of half-way-house you get for battered wives, junkies, ex-cons and the like. Only by looking down on, looking harshly upon and severely punishing our social inferiors will we encourage them to buck up their ideas and so, "increase social mobility". We approve, and want to see this sort of "encouragement" rolled out across a wide range of policy spheres.

For example, this kind of social-mobility "encouragement" is definitely also applicable in the transport sphere. And - what's more - the motorists, businesses and local government of Aberdeen "City and Shire" show the way! You see - everyone knows that using the bus, walking or cycling is a sure sign of grinding poverty, and it's not the sort of thing we want to see on the prestigious streets of Aberdeen "City and Shire". So it's long been our policy, along with others, to encourage social mobility by discouraging walking, cycling or using the bus. We are delighted today to notice that an unnamed citizen contributor clicked the citizen contribution hot-link (over there on the right) and e-mailed aberdeencars@gmail.com with the message:

Oi Skidmark
Hve U ever sat in yr car on the Langstracht stuk in da trfc watchn the bus fly past - annoyn init

Well seems there nw a soltn to the prob see below, top mrks to the conclfor thinkn of it, Get rd bus ln!!!!!!!!!
Wl dn concl, well dn Morrisons
Kewl!

"All bus lanes near the store will be removed
to encourage traffic flow"

Straight out of the Aberdeen Cars playbook! Firstly denounce bus lanes - next, ignore them (the stage we've largely achieved today) - finally, scrap them altogether, as Morrisons and the council have planned.
This sends out all the right messages: we don't like buses; we don't want buses; and what's more - we don't need buses, because we've all been "encouraged" into our lovely cars which, now that we can look forward to the scrapping of the bus-lanes, will definitely flow about the place not only efficiently but also vibrantly, reducing pollution, saving fuel and boosting the economy. Once the economy is sufficiently boosted, everyone will be have enough money to afford a really nice car, and no-one will be able to plead poverty as excuse for making the place look all down-at-heel by walking, cycling or take the bus ever again!

Yes indeed: Well Done Council, Well Done Morrisons!

Courier Van Contra-Flow Lane Pioneered in Aberdeen

Something which makes all motorists seethe with righteous anger and indignation, fury and wrath, is the proliferation of on-road facilities for those freeloading cyclists we see more and more of these days, out on the streets in Aberdeen "City and Shire" getting in the way of important tax-paying motorists who are just people out trying to do a job, keeping the economy going. Thankfully, thus far our quisling allies at Aberdeen Cycle Forum and CTC Grampian have managed to prevent the roll-out of extensive cycle facilities in Aberdeen "City and Shire", but it's surely only a matter of time before we begin to see such exotica as mandatory cycle lanes (actually, there's about 50m of that on Lang Stracht) and one-way contra-flow cycle lanes - perish the thought.

One-way contra-flow Bus lanes are bad enough, and - even though the gentle art of bus-lane driving was recently decriminalised, we have, unfortunately, yet to see anyone using the contra-flow bus-lane on  Menzies Road in order to rat-run Torry. Early days, though.

But, Aberdeen is rightly proud of its engineering heritage and we're pleased to see that enterprising spirit of inventiveness and innovation has now spread to the traffic engineering sphere. Yes, if the inventiveness of the drivers of Aberdeen Cars (and vans!) and their willingness to try new ideas and new methods is anything to go by, traffic woes in Aberdeen "City and Shire" will soon be a thing of the past! In the spirit of Mr Cameron's "Big Society", the enterprising and self-empowered drivers of Aberdeen Cars (and vans!) see no need to wait for top-down reform. Oh no, our motorists are in the best place - at ground level - to institute grass-roots reform from the bottom up.

Citizen Contributer "Lewis" contacted us to notify our "InnovationWATCH" desk that a new, vibrant and important paradigm in motorist innovation was being piloted on the streets of the city centre. Yes, thank-you "Lewis" for notifying us about use of the "Courier Van Contra-Flow Lane" which he spotted on Aberdeen's famous grand-processional "Boulevard of the North": Union Street. "Lewis" sent us this photo:

Heartwarmingly self-authorised innovation in the use of the bus-lane, there from Casey Transport's little Astra reg. SD60WGY. Driving contra-flow in the bus lane, parking and offloading goods at a bus stop despite the loading restrictions, facing the wrong way and ignoring the double-yellows. It. Makes. Us. Proud.

It is, of course, only fair that important wealth-creating delivery-drivers should be allowed to use bus lanes, park illegally, drive the wrong way, ignore loading restrictions, etc etc. Like the Tory party proposal to "uplift" speed limits throughout the country, until such time as the authorities introduce measures to rubber-stamp the activities of people who are - after all - just getting on with trying to do their jobs, the blameless courier-driver must take the inconvenient extra step of flashing his hazards, ah, sorry *exempts*, as we call them here.

Bus Lane Driving, Decriminalised.

We have said it before, and we'll say it again. "Scrap the bus lanes". And at last, it seems that the wind is blowing in our direction.

http://local.stv.tv/edinburgh/news/25735-bus-lane-crackdown-could-see-drivers-fined-60/

Splendid to see bus lane driving decriminalised. What used to be a police and court matter is now a civil matter. So, if you're journey is of national importance, like those of all the drivers of Aberdeen Cars, you can feel free to use the Bus Lanes as much as you want, just budget for that extra £60 (which is nothing to us Range Rover Evoque drivers)

And the beauty is, now that Bus Lane Driving is decriminalised, you don't have to worry about getting points on your license. Brilliant!

No no, First Bus - you use YOUR head!

We were really horrified and angry when, as we were sat inching forward in the heavy congestion on Aberdeen's world famous Union Street yesterday, a bus drove past us in the bus lane with this advert stuck on the back.

(Well, that's not the actual advert - obviously. We're not quite as good at taking photos while driving as some of the other drivers of Aberdeen Cars!)

Anyway, we felt affronted and insulted by this outrageous insult. How dare First Bus tell me to "use my head"! Are they suggesting that the driver of Aberdeen Cars are ignorant? Are they suggesting that the occupants of the bus (usually DSS-ville or student-land bound) are somehow cleverer than me? I would like to point out that if they think that these freeloaders are so clever, where is their nice car? Eh? Where? Come on, where is it? And where is their road-tax disk? "No pay, no say!"

What these First Bus people fail to realise is that most people aspire to the convenience of personal motor transport, pay dearly for the privilege, provide much employment, contribute greatly in taxes, and then people like them expect them to ‘leave the car at home’, while their money is spent creating bus lanes and the like for freeloading poor people.

Many people in Aberdeen invest a lot of time and money in their cars, This is a natural way of gaining respect from those who will see them in their nice cars with cherished plates. To spoil this effect (e.g. when freeloaders overtake them in a bus) understandably infuriates the drivers of these nice cars - the drivers of Aberdeen Cars.

So, let's get Aberdeen moving, let's do the only sensible thing we can. Scrap the bus lanes. What are we waiting for?


Edit:

What's particularly gauling is that First Bus have proably paid some oh-so-clever PR outfit to come up with this insulting advert. Don't they know that you'll catch more flies with honey than with vinegar? That's why we do nothing but offer praise to the drivers of Aberdeen Cars in our efforts to get them to join our our popular campaign to "Save the Denburn Dual Carriageway!" ('like' us on FaceBook, 'follow' us on Twitter)

Locking in the Benefits. By taking them away?

As part of the work of national importance which we do here at Aberdeen Cars we have been passed the "AWPR - Locking in the Benefits" document which was written by the nimby naysayers at NESTRANS. This made us worry. Worry on behalf of our followers who, like all drivers of Aberdeen Cars, want to "Save the Denburn Dual Carriagway!" ('Like' us on FaceBook, 'follow' us on Twitter.)

Nooooo!

Part of this document relates to the "reallocation" of roadspace away from motorists in favour of buses, trains and bicycles and other measures to discourage the use of cars; improved facilities for cyclists and pedestrians and all sorts of other such airy-fairy nonsense for vegetarians.

As everyone knows, the only way to ensure future prosperity for Aberdeen "City and Shire" is to "go for growth" by putting more cars on more roads, then sit back and watch the economy rip! So, we're scared, yes - terrified - that the underuse of the Denburn Dual Carrageway (which we already identified) will lead to its "reallocation" under the NESTRANS fig-leaf of "Locking in the Benefits" once the Aberdeen bypass is open in 2012. Use it or lose it!

And then there's the "Tunnels Vision for Aberdeen Transport".

"Underground tunnels for buses and trams could be built in Aberdeen as part of plans which would see vehicles banned from three of the city’s busiest streets."

When we first heard about these tunnels we were delighted. But then we saw those words "...vehicles banned from three of the city's streets". They just don't get it, these "men of vision" do they? These proposals for extra futuristic road space shouldn't be "instead of" they should be "as well as". And so, they plan to give with one hand. Motorways, tunnels, relief roads. And take away with another. Road space reallocated to pedestrians, cyclists, trains.

That word "reallocation", frightening. Sounds a bit like "re-education" Mao-style. These war-on-the-motorist lefties are all the same.

Going Stockholm in the City Centre

We've mentioned in the past that we're getting a bit worried about our deep cover agent "Codename JannieJumbo" who provides us with intelligence from deep within the 'cycling activist fraternity' in Aberdeen "City and Shire". We think he has "turned". To the dark side.

In this latest video which he's provided us with, he's seen speeding through the City on his bicyle much faster than any tax-paying car could manage. In the video, our so-called agent traverses the entirity of the city centre, from Queens Cross to the Castlegate in 5 minutes flat!

We don't think this is fair. The bus/bike lanes should be abolished at once and made available for hard-pressed tax-paying motorists to use. After all, we paid for 'em!