Fury at CarraigeWalking

Aberdeen City Council's latest anti-pedestrian policy initiative (not clearing the pavements of snow and ice) has, we are furious to report, backfired with upsetting results and serious consequences for public order in our town.

Close to schools (the safety of innocent children - who are our future - being a number one priority) while every snow-and-ice-clearing attention has been lavished, quite rightly, on the car-bearing carriagway, the council has stuck to its guns and refused to do anything about the pavements. This safety-first approach (because walking about the place without brakes, indicators, airbags or anything is as everyone knows, intrinsically dangerous) has rendered the pavement on Aberdeen's Broomhill Road completely unusable. Good. This policy initiative should encourage everyone to join in with the vast majority of folk, and get around in a nice car. It is particularly important that children be discouraged from dangerous walking, particularly in cold weather, when they might catch the sniffles.

Not gritted, not salted, not ploughed.
And quite right too.

But, and it's a big but, while we were initially delighted by this pro-car approach which we thought would finally force the last redoubts of anti-car sentiment to nip out to Arnold Clark and drive off with a seasonal bargain, we regret to say that the law of unintended consequences has struck, and we were today horrified to notice that these last few road-tax-dodging pestestrians who refuse to contribute to the economic growth of the region have adopted a radical new tactic from the anarchists cookbook: RADICAL CARRIAGEWALKING!

Harassed by the rioting anarchist, the elderly couple in the passing car were visibly shaken.

Perhaps emboldened by the student protesters hooligan anarchists thugs who took to the streets in London yesterday, these radical pestestrians have unilaterally occupied the tax-payer-only carriageways of West Aberdeen, striding up the middle of the road and willfully impeding the lawful progress of important hard-pressed motorists as they go about their lawful business on Her Majesty's highway generating much-needed economic growth for Aberdeen "City and Shire".

Showing no fear (perhaps on drugs?) the snarling rioter faces down the law abiding motorist.
Had the protester tried to touch the car, we might have been forced to ask a policeman to draw his sidearm.

Wildly swinging a placard with its obscene message (which we have been forced to blur with photoshop)
this sneering anarchist scans around for her next victim. 
We were scared she would touch the silver-grey Merc to her left.
Officer, may we suggest you use baton rounds?

Law-flouting pestestrian anarchist ring-leaders look to recruit
the anti-motorist bus-users to their subversive protests...
Send in the horses.

PaveParkVertising!

The drivers of Aberdeen Cars once again show their business acumen and entrepreneurial flair; a talent which might even be good enough for TV's "The Apprentice"!

This time, we're delighted to announce a new development. Yes.

        "PaveParkVertising" 

(Though we are a bit worried that it might be a portmanteau too far.)

The driver of VW Golf 1.4s with Cherished Plate NEZ555 has not only used the PaveParking opportunity afforded by the build-out at the junction between Aberdeen's Pitstruan Place and Broomhill Road, but he has also enhanced his status in the community by taking the chance to promote his enterprise: "3SIXTY - Aberdeen's Premier Student Night". We think that's splendid and we particularly enjoy the use of the word "Premier". How could we expect anything less? As you can see, the club's website rightly acclaims its management as "VIP's" and in some cases even "VVIP's"

We also very much appreciate that our hard-pressed students are being offered drinks from only 90p. In these difficult times, it's great to see that they are being targeted in this way, what with this PaveParkVertising car stationed on the pavement just outside a famous local HMO which is used as a flophouse for students. We've noticed the PaveParkVertising car here before at least once, so we reckon there must be a connection between it and the hard-drinking student occupants of the HMO. We're delighted that there's this business-friendly relationship between student accommodation and the licenced trade, particularly where there's discounted drink on offer, and we'll be sure to mention it on our stakeholder submission next year when the HMO licence comes up for renewal in the neighbourhood.

You see, integrated business opportunities like this are like gold-dust, and must be highlighted so that the next generation of entrepreneurs can find economic activity in and for Aberdeen when the oil runs out in 2014. What with the new city bypass, urban dual-carriageway and city-centre carpark plans and everything, combined with this PaveParkVertising of cheap drink, the future will be assured!

Oh, and we nearly forgot. The way the car is PaveParked, at that jaunty angle, is really cool. Fact.

At a charismatic and jaunty angle.
It's like as if it's in a car-sales brochure or TV advert or something.

Snowparking - Let's Not Be Complacent Out There.

Perhaps emboldened by our Essential Services post last week when we pointed out the fact that delivery drivers can safely ignore pestestrian crossing zig-zags when they are covered in snow, the driver of MG Rover ZT-T 180 Sports Estate reg. SW05VBT has thrown caution to the wind and parked immediately beneath the "NO PARKING - At any time" sign at the top of Aberdeen's Abergeldie Road. The double-yellow lines are obscured by the snow, you see?

Maybe he thought the sticker on the sign meant it didn't count?

Or maybe his actions were motivated by self-preservation - the pavements are very slippy. Yes, the council knows that economic growth comes from cars and cars alone, flowing unimpeded around Aberdeen at all times. The roads must be cleared at all costs and kept open at all times so that the cars can flow. Only losers are ever seen walking any distance, so - quite rightly - none of our hard-earned council tax is wasted on clearing the pavements when it snows. Therefore, by parking so very close to the junction, the driver is perhaps enhancing his safety (and also prestige) by minimising the distance he must walk. And quite right too. Safety is prestigious.

All of which makes it all the more infuriating that the heartless Community Warden has sought out our hapless snow-parker and punished him. Who'd have thought that these hawk-eyed busybodies would be working when the weather is so poor? Not the put-upon parker of SW05VBT and not us at Aberdeen Cars either. We were shocked!

Booked! While its actually snowing!
That's not fair!

Generally, when the weather goes bad, we'd always thought that (like on Saturday morning or all day on Sundays) parking became a free-for-all in inner Aberdeen and that when the snow falls particularly badly, all parking regulations are suspended for personal safety and economic growth reasons. So the fact that this hapless parker has been booked when there's snow on the ground is a horrifying development. It's yet another example of how hard-pressed motorists, already tax-farmed by central government, are being treated as just another revenue-raising cash cow by our local authority. It will act as a brake on economic growth if VIP wealth-generating motorists are not allowed to express their entrepreneurial flair by using the smallest excuse to grant themselves a license to park where and when they please.

And it's a disgrace.

And we thought that RNUC members were exempt.

RNUC: "It is about good companionship and a sense of belonging in a dignified atmosphere,
where old traditions have meaning and value, because they have been tested and retained."

Old traditions, like parking wherever you like.

CitizenContribution - "Catch a bus, thanks."

A dangerous cyclist has been brought to our attention via the CitizenContributor hot-link.



An anonymous contributer writes:

Look how far he is in from the kerb... Of course it's a close call.

He should pull a bit in and give himself some space... I bet he is one of these drunken cyclists that wobble everywhere...

I bet, that when he's at a red light he does everything he can not to put any feet on the floor but he never gives me the satisfaction of falling over.

Catch a bus, thanks.

Indeed, anonymous, and thanks for that, we only had to make a few changes for spelling and grammar. And syntax. And comprehension.

Of course the cyclist is using far too much of the taxpayer lane when he pulls out to avoid the large puddle in the gutter, forcing the green Subaru Legacy Estate 2.5 GX reg. W342VHR to pass him so closely. The driver has no choice in the matter. He's busy, he's important, he's hard-pressed. He's GOT to get to ASDA before the cyclist. That's the natural order of things. Cars first, see? I bet.

We haven't read the Highway Code for some years, but we're quite sure that this is a rule in it. And if it isn't it should be, and probably will be now that we have a Tory Government. Cyclists must always and everywhere get out of the way of the important busy hard-pressed motorists who, having paid for the road, have first call on its use. Particularly at ASDA, when in all likelyhood, the VIP motorist is keen to make a premium selection from the "mile-o-meat". I bet. Hm, that's a good point - why would a vegetarian cyclist be going to ASDA anyway? I bet he's an animal rights activist.

Anyway, we agree with our correspondent that the gutter is where cyclists belong, along with the filth, the broken Totov vodka bottles, the used condoms and the heroin-needles which characterise this splendid car-park location in Garthdee. If, indeed, as the correspondent says, cyclists are "drunken", then the gutter is definitely where they belong! I bet.

But we must take issue with our correspondent's assertion that the cyclist should catch a bus. That would justify the continued existence of the much-hated bus-lanes, which everyone knows should be re-assigned for car use immediately. So no, we must disagree with any policy which increases bus use. You slipped up there, anonymous, I bet!

So what should our ASDA-bound cyclist do? Walk? Don't be silly! There's no pavement to take you to ASDA from this Garthdee Road approach. No, of course - once you think about it the solution is obvious - he should conform with the vast majority of Aberdeen folk and drive to ASDA.

Our anonymous correspondent sets a great example, showing what splendid specimens of humanity the drivers of Aberdeen Cars are. And, what's more, he shows just how considerate and polite to lesser road users the drivers of Aberdeen Cars are by signing off his message with the word "thanks".

No, no - thanks are due to you.

CitizenContribution - PaveParking at Pitfodels

A CitizenContribution from our suburbs today. "Kay" has clicked the link to our top-tips e-mail hotline (to the right) and drawn our attention to this excellent use of the redundant pavement on Craigton Road; that most favourite secret high-speed link between Airyhall and Cults, used regularly by drivers-in-the-know. The 30mph speed limit on Craigton Road is never enforced - thank goodness! So drivers are free to express themselves by approaching the thrilling switchback of "Jacobs Ladder" at high speed - just like Tiff Needell!

"Kay" writes:

The gentry of Woodlands of Pitfodels were obviously worried that they wouldn't get their cars out of their driveways. I'm sure they complained to the cooncil about the lack of ploughs on their cul-de-sac. I had to deal with the slush on the road but on reflection it is my own fault - I must be the poorest person living in this area as we only have one car and I have to walk to work. Perhaps I should move, I would hate to bring the area down.

This was last Friday but the cars have persisted all week.

Thanks

"Kay"

Thanks are due to you, "Kay". You've used your digital camera to capture two examples of advanced PaveParking.

First we see Beige VW Golf Diesel Hatchback reg. SL54YOR making full use of the pavement, as is their right. This causes the less important pedestrians (see the footprints?) to leave the pavement and walk on the carriageway. This is terrible. Let's hope these selfish pedestrians didn't disrupt the very important journey of some VIP motorist making his speedy way between Airyhall and Cults.

Why don't these pedestrians just get themselves a nice car. Like this one:

Silver Grey Mercedes Benz CLK Cabriolet 200K 'Elegance' (oooh!) with Cherished Plate X11DLB shows us yet another advanced aspect of PaveParking. Being the type of motor driven exclusively by aspirational top-management-class people, it is obviously subject to the envy and avarice of the lower classes, who might like to try and steal it. So, cleverly, the driver of this splendid silver-grey German auto has been sure to PavePark it just below a streetlamp. Clever! No wonder they're "Management Material"! They deserve that Cherished Plate.

PaveParker of the Week! SW51LVX

Spotted on the town centre's exciting, vibrant, recently re-developed Justice Mill Lane, MS Services Blue Transit Van SW51LVX is this week's snowy PaveParker of the Week!

Practising what he preaches: "BE SAFE" -  this Blue Van Man has been Police Checked giving him the confidence to do as he pleases. And o-boy-o-boy! He knows his stuff!

He knows that because there's a bit of slush in the gutter it effectively conceals the double-yellow lines, thus rendering them completely invalid. Our Blue Van Man is thus completely secure against getting a parking ticket. Be Safe!


He knows that this pavement has already been well PaveParked today - the snow still lying on the pavement shows the tyre-tracks of these confident trailblazers. The PaveParking precedent has been set on this street - it would be churlish to the point of ignorant negligence to ignore this important precedent. You wouldn't want to stand out from the crowd, now would you? You'd much rather Be Safe and blend in!

He knows that PaveParking is his best option in this situation. As a Locksmith/Joiner/Plumber he is clearly a very important pillar of the community, and so must keep his blue van pristine and safe from being maliciously scratched by passing cyclists who would obviously be envious of his elevated status. Much better to get that van out of harms way up on the pavement! Be Safe!

He knows that the pavements are far too wide for the very tiny insignificant handful of pedestrians who ever use them, and so by PaveParking he is sending a message to the council, through the two CCTV cameras which are in-shot, that they should dig up the pavement immediately, re-assigning this important carriageway space away from the road-tax-dodging pedestrians and designating it exclusively for important cars and vans. Let's hope that the officers who monitor the CCTV feeds take note! CCTV is, of course, a major plank of law enforcement in the town centre. Be Safe!

And finally, he demonstrates his commendable belt-and-braces approach to safety matters (Be Safe!) by flashing his hazard lights ("exemption indicators", as we like to call them) - thus demonstrating to any approaching traffic warden (who may be a young junior member of that mis-guided and ill-informed sect-like subculture of our society) that, knowing much better about this stuff than they could ever hope to do, he is EXEMPT, for all the reasons detailed above. And probably some others which he knows even more about than we do.

Essential Services - Fags and Booze.

We've all been outraged by the disgraceful state of some of the roads in Aberdeen in the current snowy weather, so it's great to know that Knights of the Road M&H Carriers are making sure to get essential winter supplies through to the shops. In this case, cigarettes and beer are being delivered to the Co-op on Holburn Street.

The driver of MAN delivery van 371PKO here shows exemplary dedication to his "appointed round" by making sure that the fags and booze get through.

No matter the weather, priorities are priorities! So important is this delivery that the driver has placed his van as close as is possible to the door of the supermarket. This serves two important health and safety functions.

• Firstly health - it's cold isn't it? So by minimising his exposure to the Siberian blast, our driver is protecting his health and making sure that he'll not need to take any sick-days off due to the sniffles. By this selfless action, he is making sure that the Co-op will NEVER run out of fags. Or booze.
• Secondly safety - the driver is right to minimise the distance he must ferry the fags and booze to the door of the shop because the ground is slippy underfoot. This is because Aberdeen City Council know what side their bread's buttered on and haven't bothered wasting any money in gritting or clearing the pavements. The pavements, of course, being used only by poor people who lack the "clout" of the VIP motoring lobby. Oh yes, our council knows that the outrage and opprobrium that the local papers and hard-pressed motoring public would rain down on them if they used even one grain of grit on the pavement while one single flake of snow remains on the carriageway would be so severe that no councillor could ever hope to be re-elected ever again. So, very wisely, the council have prioritised traffic flow rather than pandering to the self-serving calls of a minority of vocal self-appointed pedestrian's champions. As can be seen in the photo - the road is nice and clear of snow, while the pavement remains treacherous. This is as it should be. The council has got it's priorities right.

It's been pointed out that in order to achieve this most efficient delivery-position, the driver has had to place his van on the so-called "zig-zags" associated with the pelican crossing. However, in this case, the council has cleverly considered the needs of the delivery drivers who provide the essential deliveries of fags and booze (oh, and crisps) to the Co-op, and have cleverly left the so-called "zig-zags" obscured from view by snow, ice and slush. Because the delivery driver cannot see the so-called "zig-zags" (even though he might know well that they are there) he can, with a clear conscence, ignore them and proceed with the execution of his essential delivery service. In any case, the driver is flashing his hazard-lights (exemption lights) which demonstrate his knowledge of this exemption.

You see, what isn't widely known by pedestrians (how could they?) is that the so-called "zig-zags" operate as a kind of need-responsive parking space; responsive to the needs of the hard-pressed motorist-in-a-hurry who lacks the time to look for a formal parking space. In this case, this flexibility of purpose is put to good use by the van driver, who is using the so-called "zig-zags" secondary function as an emergency high-priority-unloading bay for essential winter supplies.

Some whining pedestrians might moan that this parking on the so-called "zig-zags" is dangerous. But we say "No!" What the ever-demanding pedestrian pests maybe can't see is that the delivery driver has made a significant enhancement to road safety by minimising the risk that oncoming motorists might become distracted by the suddenly-changing-and-flishy-flashing lights of the pedestrian crossing - the bulk of the van actually hides the lights from the view of oncoming motorists.

Everyone knows that the increase in road-clutter distracts the driver's attention from important and safety-critical in-cockpit actions, such as re-setting the satnav or lighting a cigarette, changing to the next Bryan Adams track on the CD or texting his or her stockbroker. So, by hiding the lights from view with the bulk of his van, the delivery driver is leaving the busy Holburn Street motorist free to concentrate on more important stuff and the prospect of getting his or her foot down on the high-speed drag that is Great Southern Road ahead.

Moreover, when an important motorist-in-a-hurry parks on the so-called "zig-zags" to pop into the Co-op for some much-needed cigarettes, or when an essential-services courier uses them as a high-priority-unloading bay, we say that this actually enhances safety for the pedestrians, as it screens them from the oncoming traffic, thus sheltering them from the extreme danger usually associated with pedestrianism and as everyone can see actually making the crossing all the safer! 

But do the pedestrians appreciate this? Do they heck! They should be grateful, especially if they've just been into the Co-op for some fags and booze, as delivered by the Essential Services delivery driver of M&H Carriers MAN delivery van 371PKO.

The courier's code:

We are mothers and fathers. And sons and daughters. Who every day go about our lives with duty, honor and pride. And neither snow, nor rain, nor heat, nor gloom of night, nor the winds of change, nor a nation challenged, will stay us from the swift completion of our appointed rounds. Ever.

We think that the driver of M&H Carriers MAN delivery van 371PKO has fulfilled his obligations to the couriers code, and then some! So we've written to his employers to tell them so.