A blog about cars in Aberdeen.

This is a blog about cars in Aberdeen because most people aspire to the convenience of personal motor transport, pay dearly for the privilege, provide much employment, contribute greatly in taxes, and then people expect them to ‘leave the car at home’, while their money is spent creating cycle lanes and the like for freeloading cyclists.

Thursday, 3 May 2012

Aberdeen Taxis - providing vital public transport.

A confused and confusing e-mail arrives:



From: kjetil xxxxxxxxxx
Subject: Bad parking on Cornhill Drive
Date: 2 May 2012 9:35:38 pm GMT+01:00
To: "aberdeencars@gmail.com"
Reply-To: kjetil xxxxxxxxxx

I dont know how to get a picture on your website and found it confusing, i saw this taxi parked on the pavement yet lady driving it said there was nothing wrong with her parking, its now been reported to taxi bosses and they said its not acceptable, children use this pavement yet idiots like that shouldnt have a licence, would you get in her car, her number plate SE08 PYO, Private Plate No.2.


Kjetil






Well, Kjetil (if that's your real name!). What you've failed to understand there is the fact that taxis in Aberdeen own the road. And the pavements too!

Friday, 6 April 2012

Morrisons Supermarket - Consolidating Social Mobility

When our Big Society Prime Minister Mr David Cameron announced that, in future, council house tenancies were to have fixed terms in order to "increase social mobility" we knew what he meant. Encouraging those layabout social housing denizens to pull themselves out of the underclass, get decent jobs and proper mortgages and everything is something that everyone knows is a necessary measure to promote economic growth in these austerity times. And pulling the safety net of social housing away from these people after just a few years is just the kind of common sense, tough love policies which is sure to work a treat. Council houses will now be regarded as emergency housing, like a homeless shelter or asylum-seekers' hospital or the kind of half-way-house you get for battered wives, junkies, ex-cons and the like. Only by looking down on, looking harshly upon and severely punishing our social inferiors will we encourage them to buck up their ideas and so, "increase social mobility". We approve, and want to see this sort of "encouragement" rolled out across a wide range of policy spheres.

For example, this kind of social-mobility "encouragement" is definitely also applicable in the transport sphere. And - what's more - the motorists, businesses and local government of Aberdeen "City and Shire" show the way! You see - everyone knows that using the bus, walking or cycling is a sure sign of grinding poverty, and it's not the sort of thing we want to see on the prestigious streets of Aberdeen "City and Shire". So it's long been our policy, along with others, to encourage social mobility by discouraging walking, cycling or using the bus. We are delighted today to notice that an unnamed citizen contributor clicked the citizen contribution hot-link (over there on the right) and e-mailed aberdeencars@gmail.com with the message:


Oi Skidmark
Hve U ever sat in yr car on the Langstracht stuk in da trfc watchn the bus fly past - annoyn init
Well seems there nw a soltn to the prob see below, top mrks to the conclfor thinkn of it, Get rd bus ln!!!!!!!!!
Wl dn concl, well dn Morrisons
Kewl!

"All bus lanes near the store will be removed
to encourage traffic flow"
Straight out of the Aberdeen Cars playbook! Firstly denounce bus lanes - next, ignore them (the stage we've largely achieved today) - finally, scrap them altogether, as Morrisons and the council have planned.
This sends out all the right messages: we don't like buses; we don't want buses; and what's more - we don't need buses, because we've all been "encouraged" into our lovely cars which, now that we can look forward to the scrapping of the bus-lanes, will definitely flow about the place not only efficiently but also vibrantly, reducing pollution, saving fuel and boosting the economy. Once the economy is sufficiently boosted, everyone will be have enough money to afford a really nice car, and no-one will be able to plead poverty as excuse for making the place look all down-at-heel by walking, cycling or take the bus ever again!

Yes indeed: Well Done Council, Well Done Morrisons!

Monday, 2 April 2012

Very Common



From: Anonymous Anomie <xxxx@xxxxxx.xxx.xxx>
Subject: Driving opened up to non car owners
Date: 2 April 2012 7:42:05 pm GMT+01:00
To: aberdeencars@gmail.com

Aberdeen City Council has just announced that it is expanding opportunties to drive "nice little cars" to non-car owners.  

On 2nd April Aberdeen City Council tweeted


Want to drive, but don't own a car? Why not join Aberdeen's first car club Commonwheels. There's more info here  Pls RT"
This provides an opportunity for those unfortunate enough to not own a "nice little car" to experience driving a choice of seven small "town cars" - five Kia Picantos and two Hyundai i10s - or for those with grander ambitions, there are three larger vehicles - Ford Fiesta Econetics or Kia Rios.
Congratulations to Aberdeen City Council for providing these opportunities to the non car owning citizen to experience the joy of driving.  Hopefully this will help wean degenerate elements from walking, cycling or the use of public transport.   
We look forward to citizens realising the error of their ways in not owning their own nice little car and an upswing in car driving in Aberdeen soon.
Regards

Anonymous






From: Aberdeen Cars
Subject: Re: Driving opened up to non car owners
Date: 2 April 2012 7:55:06 pm GMT+01:00
To: Anonymous Anomie 

Hey Anonymous!

Thanks for that, of course the first rule of Car Club is: "Nobody Speaks About Car Club". Haha!

To begin with, when we heard about Car Club, we thought along the same lines as you: yes, the opportunity for the non-car-owning un-people to get behind the wheel and learn the error of their ways. But then we leaned that these vehicles are to be branded "Common Wheels". Yes, "COMMON". Do you see what they've done there?

There being nothing quite so splendid as wealth and riches, and what with the people of Aberdeen City and Shire leading the way on generating the necessary economic growth to pull the rest of UK plc out of recession - we can see Aberdeen City Council's "Common Wheels Car Club" for what it its. It is in fact a clever piece of context framing from our city fathers who know what's best for us. The message is clear - small cars are "common", and if you have to share one via a car club you are doubly common. You are a "minker" in fact, if you use one of these. The big sign "COMMON" on the side of the car will make your status as part of the non-car-owning non-person underclass perfectly clear to all the important people who will roar past you on the streets of Aberdeen City and Shire in our three litre 4x4 German SUV's - in other words: proper cars, that is.

Status, of course, being the only motivating factor for people to do anything ever - who would willingly submit themselves the the public humiliation of sharing a car and being branded "common" into the bargain? No-one, that's who! At least, not the sort of person who's proud to live in Europe's Oil Capital. The fact that these cars are supposed to be "low emission" is doubly telling. This is saying that using petrol is bad, and that, by extension, the oil industry is bad. The ultimate conclusion of that sort of thinking would be that Aberdeen itself is bad! Car-sharing clubs are, therefore, Anti-Aberdeen. This is why the council has set this carshare scheme up with the intention of having it fail miserably. Then the parking spaces can be re-assigned to proper road-tax paying wealth generators - the true drivers of Aberdeen Cars.

Hope that sets your mind at rest.

Best,

Old Skidmark
Aberdeen Cars

Thursday, 16 February 2012

Wednesday, 15 February 2012

Top Tips on Turning Your Motoring Life Eco

As important drivers of nice big Aberdeen Cars, we bet that like us you're sick and tired of being lectured by meanie-greenie treehuggers about carbon emissions.

That's why we were delighted when local aspirational freesheet - the West End Gazette - plopped through the front door this weekend, containing as it did a section on "Top tips on turning your motoring life eco".



The publisher and editor of this free consumer/lifestyle mag, fat larger lady Sue Simpson echoes our above sentiment and says:
"There are some eco-warriors out there who believe that the humble automobile is the devil on wheels. But in recent years, car manufacturers have worked hard to change the car's planet-killing image..."
Her "Going Green" article then details some super tips on eco-driving like:

  • Think aerodynamic! Drive with the windows up, and remove stuff like roof-racks when you're not using them;
  • A clean car might be a pretty car, but do you need to do it every week? If you must make your 'pride and joy' the sparkling envy of all who see it, use a bucket and sponge to clean the car, rather than a hose. Even better, use "Miracle Drywash";
  • Try "green" cleaning products;
  • Use the SatNav to avoid getting lost, which wastes fuel;
  • Take the golf-clubs out of the boot;
  • Service the car at home so you can be sure to take used fluids, bulbs, other bits and bobs to the proper specific recycling centre.

As corpulent big boned Ms. Simpson says:
"[these] are ways you can cut your carbon footprint - and it doesn't have to mean walking!" 
Well thank Ford for that! We certainly wouldn't want to walk anywhere. Ever. Not ever ever ever ever ever. That would be the very opposite of progress. We're still waiting for drive-in banking to arrive in Aberdeen "City and Shire", but no - no, we're stuck with online banking.

The one criticism we have about obese cuddly Sue's Top Tips is that they manage to conflate material recycling and chemical toxicity with carbon emissions. Now, it's clear that she's done this with the best of intentions, to dilute any possible danger of scaremongering about the onrushing climate catastrophe. But, hasn't she heared? Global Warming will be GOOD for Scotland!

Tuesday, 14 February 2012

Are You a "WINTER WALKER"?

A couple of weeks ago, we wrote about our approval of the dangerism propagated by the CTC (Cycle Touring Club)...
Dangerism is a term which refers to the practice of maximising the perception of risk and the cultivation of fear and the accommodation of those fears by a "hardening" of safety measures, which then, in turn feed back into a greater yet perception of risk in an increasingly strident feedback howl, until an activity comes to be regarded (however irrationally) as being almost unthinkably dangerous.
...was what we said. Dangerism is marvellous, for it allows a pro-motoring message to be couched in terms of road safety. Similar approaches to 'safety' in transport choices can be seen all around. From the marvelous "Walkodile" for children to the propagation of cycle helmet and hi-vis clothing campaigns for cyclists, dangerism is always with us these days. On behalf of the drivers of Aberdeen Cars, we approve of all this dangerism, because it actually succeeds in getting across the message that walking and cycling are not safe, all the while absolving the blameless hard-pressed motorist of all blame. These are not "safety" campaigns, they are "danger" campaigns which serve the aim of frightening pestestrians and cyclists back into their cars, where they should be anyway! What we particularly like about all this road "safety" stuff is that it never ever ever suggests that the important drivers of Aberdeen Cars examine their own behaviour. Instead, these dangerist initiatives always focus on the potential victims of traffic "accidents", and put all emphasis on how the victims probably had it coming. After all, what did they think they were doing - deciding to walk or cycle in the first place? Everyone knows that it's common sense that walking and cycling are dangerous.

So now we congratulate our partners at Grampian Police, NHS Scotland, First Bus and Aberdeen City Council on their latest piece of dangerism: Operation Winter Walker, which is aimed at senior citizen pestestrians.



The Operation Winter Walker materials are full of dangerism best practice, emphasising the hazard and fear which the Police, the NHS, First Bus, and the council want old people to associate with walking.

"Don't Learn Road Safety By Accident!" shriek the Operation Winter Walker posters and handouts, subtly re-introducing the word "accident" into the transport lexicon. For some time now, the word "accident" has not been used by the authorities, and the word "collision" has been used instead: "RTC - Road Traffic Collision". We applaud this police-sponsored use of the word "accident", with its connotations of blamelessness for the drivers of Aberdeen Cars - it's a return to common sense attitudes at last, and a sign that the War on the Motorist is finally over.

However, we would be lax in our communitarian Big Society responsibility if we were not to point out that there is, perhaps, a pressing issue behind the necessity for Operation Winter Walker - and that's the fact that poverty is forcing senior citizens out of their cars and on to the pavements. Shame. It must be that, for what other reason could there possibly be for the older generation to choose to walk about the place, particularly in winter? It shames us as a society that our old age pensioners cannot afford to get about in a nice wee car.




Friday, 10 February 2012

Pollution Victory for the Drivers of Aberdeen Cars



As important drivers of nice cars, we bet you're sick and tired of being lectured by meanie-greenie treehuggers about pollution.

Well, we're delighted to report that this problem has now been solved with the creation of an air quality monitoring system for Scotland, as reported on the BBC's flagship local news programme "Reporting Scotland". Watch the video if you can be bothered:





What we liked the best was the fact that no attempt is made to address the source of pollution, no attempt is made to suggest that motorists "just leave the car at home" or cycle or walk or get the bus or any other of that usual tiresome nonsense we usually hear so much of.

You see, most people aspire to the convenience of personal motor transport, pay dearly for the privilege, provide much employment, contribute greatly in taxes, and then people expect them to ‘leave the car at home’, while their money is spent appeasing the so-called green lobby by putting up useless wind turbines which are useless.

No, here in Scotland we are taking an innovative approach to pollution. Instead of taking the politically suicidal step of blaming pollution on us hard-pressed put-upon and blameless motorists who, after all, are just trying to get on with a job, instead pollution here is regarded as being a bit like the weather, something that just happens, something that we can do nothing about, and the onus is now on the supposed so-called victims of pollution to provide themselves with knowledge about pollution levels and then just stay inside, taking no exercise of any kind. Good. Of course, these people will be safe from pollution if they just get into their nice cars and drive to work or the shops or the gym rather than cycling or walking there. That way, safe from pollution, they will not only be contributing to the economy, but they will also be contributing to beneficial global warming.