PaveParker of the Week! BSM car WP11PWK

This week's PaveParker of the week also gets our new 'Corporate Franchise' Award. So, congratulations to the Corporate Franchise PaveParker of the Week driver of BSM Aberdeen Car WP11PWK.



We were particularly delighted that this car has been parked on the pavement in Aberdeen's historic Ruthrieston Road by a driving instructor. You see, cherished traditions are always and everywhere under threat, and we recently learned of such a threat...

At present, PaveParking is not particularly illegal, indeed the beauty of PaveParking, is, of course, that traffic wardens (or those busybody anti-motorist warriors - the "dreaded" community wardens) can't touch you for it: enforcement of footway parking being a police matter, under the “causing danger to other road users” and obstruction provisions of the Road Traffic Act (1988) and the Road Vehicles (Construction and Use) Regulations (1986). However, police usually take the view that they need to observe the vehicle being parked on the footway and then demonstrate that the driver had the intention to obstruct in order to be able to enforce the law. And so in practice it is rarely - if ever! - enforced. Yes, the police know that they've better things to do (like making sure that photographers know that society regards them as dangerous outsiders) than harassing hard-pressed motorists who're just parking cleverly.

PaveParking! It's clever, It's quick, it's convenient, it's free and it's not really all that illegal!

Or so we thought... back in the springtime we learned that Ross Finnie MSP had brought forward proposals for legislation (pdf) to 'regulate' parking on dropped kerbs and pavements. We were horrified to read this personal introduction by Finnie...

Unfortunately, cars parked across a dropped kerb or on a pavement are a common sight across Scotland. Far too many people just don’t realise the difficulty they cause people with mobility issues, especially wheelchair users and parents with pushchairs.

Many constituents have told me first hand of their frustration at not being able either to travel along the pavement freely due to a parked car or, in the case of wheelchair users, of their dismay at being unable to get off or on a pavement at a dropped kerb due to a parked car. For many an inappropriately parked car can be an irritation but for those who are wheelchair users, have mobility issues and have young children in pushchairs the situation is an unnecessary difficulty.

We think this is political correctness gone mad. So we were absolutely delighted when, come the election in May, the electorate punished Finnie for his lapse in judgement, and he lost his seat.

But - and here's the horror of it - we recently learned that Joe Fitzpatrick MSP is intending to bring the legislation forward. While we were horrified, we were not particularly surprised. Can it be a coincidence that this MSP, who wants to ban PaveParking is the representative for Dundee East? Can it be a coincidence that a representative of our artist-loving rival city is instrumental in attempting to ban a cherished feature of our way of life in Aberdeen? We know that, having missed out on the oil bonanza of the last 30 years, the Dundonians have an axe to grind and have a vested interest in seeing Aberdeen fail. That they should stoop so low as to try to interfere with our parking arrangements is disgusting and endangers the economic recovery.

PaveParking enhances traffic flow, and lots of flowing traffic on lots of busy roads means that lots of aspirational people in nice cars are going about their nationally-important business with alacrity generating economic growth for Aberdeen "City and Shire". That is the same economic growth which will pull the whole country out of recession, Aberdeen being the key economic powerhouse of the UK. So this proposed legislation from Dundee is anti-car, anti-Aberdeen and, therefore, anti-growth.




So all that's why we were delighted that the BSM driving instructor has placed her vehicle on the pavement - she's making a stand for Aberdeen against the anti-capitalist Dundonians and setting an example to her pupils: "Yes! - learner drivers - the pavements are for you too!"

After all, she is a driving instructor, not a walking instructor! And, judging by her girth, (not shown on photo) she gave up walking many many years ago - why walk when you've got a car? All valuable lessons to those she is teaching to drive (and park!) in Aberdeen.

We were so impressed by this display of PaveParking that we have e-mailed the BSM management to be sure that this instructor is specially singled out.

PaveStorage

This caught our eye on Aberdeen's Pitstruan Place. We were outraged that the driver of Aberdeen car S551BTE should leave their storage/trailer on the pavement for two whole days and one night.

Yes we were outraged and full of righteous indignation. We far prefer this pavement space to be left available for PaveParking.

PaveParker of the Week! Y151WSS

At the junction of Seafield Road and Anderson Drive in Aberdeen's exclusive, upscale West End we have what can only be described as a thrillingly car-dominated environment. This demonstrates Aberdeen's wealth. The traffic roar is overwhelming and large radius bends speed the busy important traffic on its way with the least possible hindrance. This demonstrates that our city fathers and planners have their heads screwed on and know how to prioritise the right kind of transport. This promotes economic growth for Aberdeen "City and Shire".

What few pedestrians brave this motor-centric environment are corralled and herded between barriers and boundary features on pavements which become narrower and narrower with every single traffic-flow-enhancing improvement to the junction. This rightly marginalises and puts pressure on those who insist on clinging to the old ways. Old ways like dangerously walking to the shops, work or school; old ways like going for a "stroll". Ugh!

That's why we were delighted that the driver of Aberdeen Car VW Golf 1.9 SE TDi reg. Y151WSS has made every effort to close off that final piece of urban space left assigned to pedestrians. This sends out all the right messages: people on foot not welcome here!

So congratulations to the driver of this Aberdeen Car! You are this week's PaveParker of the Week! Yay!

Control the Language, Control the Thought

The Scottish Chamber of Commerce have released their Q2 Business Survey. Here it is. In a small part of it we see some calls from the tourism industry for continued "transport infrastructure" improvements.

Well, that could mean anything, so we were delighted to see the reportage on the BBC's Reporting Scotland local news TV outlet, where the journalists quite rightly reported the SCC report employing the usual protocol:

"Transport Infrastructure" = Roads
Road Users = Motor Transport

Therefore...

Transport in Scotland = Motorcars and motorcars only. What else is there?

Doubleplusgood!

PaveParker of the Week! WVM V482DSE

Even though his van is not white (it is blue) the driver of Aberdeen Van V482DSE is clearly a white van man, for he is this week's PaveParker of the Week! Hooray!


Fully PaveParked up on the textured dropped kerb on the corner of Aberdeen's Balmoral Place and Broomhill Road we were particularly drawn to this PaveParker's use of his hazards, or 'exempts' as they have come to be known.

Yes, this altruistic PaveParker is very much safety conscious - acting as a big obvious safety barrier for poor pestestrians. Making them stop, think carefully, plan their route and take great care as they go round the big blue van. Like one of those chicanes or sleeping policemen, but for pestestrians. Slows 'em down. Makes 'em think.

As we all know, going outside is a special activity, requiring special planning. WVM V482DSE also confirms what we already know: it's dangerous - pestestrians had betterwatchout! The subtle subliminal message is - don't walk about! It's far to dangerous and challenging! If you can't afford a nice car - you can always get a second-hand van!

And the flashing 'exempts' warn blind people of this too.

A Dodgy Moment

We began to worry when we saw this sign on Abbotswell Road in Aberdeen's premier industrial estate, West Tullos. Local TV broadcaster STV have their broadcast suite nearby and they say that this is "the heart of Aberdeen". So when we saw restrictions like these being imposed on the drivers of Aberdeen Cars in "the heart" of our fair city, we were justifiably concerned:

But, we needn't have worried! What we were forgetting is that the drivers of Aberdeen Cars make their own rules! Here in Aberdeen we are, after all, the fontspring of entrepreneurship and the powerhouse of the Scottish (and UK) economy, and you don't get to be that way by obeying traffic laws, now do you? Of course not.

So firstly, for reminding us of the business-savvy of the drivers of Aberdeen Cars we say a big thank you to the driver of Jeep Grand Cherokee SW 4.7 Auto "Limited" (ooooh!) reg. Y564TGC who has done the right thing and gone right ahead and parked fully on the verge next to Inverdee Park with his impressive 4.7 litre-engine V8 4x4. We think this is a good demonstration of that vehicle's "off-road" capability.

And secondly - thanks to the driver of BMW X5 3.0d Auto "Sport" (oooh!) reg. T77MRO for demonstrating how to ignore the second part of the sign. You remember - that bit about no parking on the footway. We note that the busy businesslike driver of this Aberdeen Car has also performed the "double-yellow-straddle" in order to pull off the paveparking maneuver. This demonstrates his sporting prowess - as advertised by his choice of a "Sport" car.



So, we were wrong to worry about the imposition of anti-PaveParking and anti-VergeParking policies in the "heart" of Aberdeen. Even if these policies are "rolled out" on a wider basis, we have nothing to worry about, we'll just ignore them.

In any case, silly rules like these are never enforced. The police have far more important things to do like catching criminals selling crime-victims' phone numbers to journalists.

Exciting PaveParking Special WN51LWS - 'The Weekender'

Regular visitors to the Aberdeen Cars blog will know that Wednesday is our regular 'PaveParker of the Week' slot, and this most recent week we broke the format by awarding a 'PaveParking Location' award.

Well, we recieved a few complaints, and have decided to rectify matters by awarding a special discretional award, the "Weekender PaveParker". This award goes to the driver of this Aberdeen Car spotted parking on the pavement of Aberdeen's Broomhill Road outside the recently re-branded and re-launched 'Cafe au Clay' (formerly The Ceramic Experience).

So we congratulate our first 'Weekender PaveParker'; the driver of Aberdeen Car Fiat Brava hatchback '80' (?) reg. WN51LWS who demonstrates that double-yellow lines are advisory only (particularly at the weekend), that pavements and pedestrian-build-outs provide demand responsive emergency parking, that accesibility dropped-kerbs assist the PaveParking maneuver and that, when it comes to child safety, the safety of one's own child is greatly more important than the safety of everyone else's - particularly those who might be using the pavement. We all know that pedestrians demonstrate their lack of importance in the most evident way possible - by not being in a nice car.

Thanks very much for that, WN51LWS! We think you're just great!

Free Range Kids? Vegitarian Political Correctness, That's What!

More blood-boiling anti-motorist polemic from Sustrans:

Free Range Kids

What can decongest our roads, reduce CO2 emissions, and help improve levels of every day physical activity? Free range kids.

Cast your mind back to your childhood. What memories make you smile? Riding your bike, exploring new and unfamiliar places? Probably, because these are the things that today's adults enjoyed as children, with 70% experiencing most of their adventures outdoor. Nowadays only 29% of children are experiencing adventures outdoors, often closely supervised by adults.

In the early 1970's 80% of seven and eight year olds travelled to school without an adult. By 2009, only 11% of seven to ten years olds did the same, with 42% of primary school children now being driven to school.

They've put out this mad report (PDF): Free Range Kids - Creating tomorrow’s low-carbon, active travellers.

Note Sustrans' lefty leaning use of the words "free-range" - typical of the sort of dangerous knit-your-own-beans sandal-wearing hippy agenda we've come to expect from this anti-car, anti-growth, anti-Aberdeen organisation.

Of course, what Sustrans fail to acknowledge is that most people aspire to the convenience of personal motor transport, pay dearly for the privilege, provide much employment, contribute greatly in taxes, and then people like silly Sustrans expect them to ‘leave the car at home’, while their money is spent creating cycle lanes and the like for freeloading cyclists. We also worry that the "free-range kids" agenda exposes children to peedofiles. It's bound to.

In this context, the precipitous drop in children walking to school is a veritable triumph. And what's more, Aberdeen leads the way.

But, unfortunately, backward places like the City of Westminster are busy implementing the "Free-range kids" agenda with sineage like this:

Watch out for the impoverished children
of the City of Westminster. Shame...

To us, that sign just says: "Watch out! Poor area where few people can afford an nice car in which to drive their children to school, so be careful they don't scratch your lovely car out of sheer spiteful envy at your success."

Now, don't get us wrong, we're not monsters! We appreciate that there might well be perfectly reasonable explanations why parents sometimes might not be able to drive their kids to school in the proper manner (though we can't think of any just now). And when these kids have to walk, because we care so much about their safety, we prefer to see them behind suitable pedestrian barriers and wearing hi-vis jackets. That way our no-claims bonuses are safe.

Tycoons YJ07NHX and TAW5E Teach Road Use Protocols.

Aberdeen is tycoon town. If you're not a tycoon yet, you will be soon, and then you'll get to live on Rubislaw Den North - Aberdeen's Millionaire's Row! The drivers of silver grey German luxury marques and Range Rovers display their entrepreneurial mastery of our town as they decide what's best and how to go about things in the best way. And yes, that includes road-use protocols as well as city centre redevelopments!

In this video, (left for us in the dead-letter box behind at the top of the TK Maxx stair tower on the top-deck of the multi-storey car-park in Union Square) our nefarious double-agent "Codename JannieJumbo" is treated to a masterclass in road-use protocols, firstly by the driver of Aberdeen Car Mercedes-Bens SL 350 Convertible Auto Tiptronic (ooooh!) reg. YJ07NHX and secondly by the driver of Aberdeen Car Range Rover TDV8 Auto Vogue (oooooooh!) reg TAW5E with it's 3.6 litre engine.



The message about correct road use in this part of Aberdeen is quite clear. No pedal-cycles here, if you please! You'll make the place look all raggedy - like DSS-land or student-ville or something. If you can't afford a lovely car - you don't belong here. Just go away.

And, indeed yes, "Codename JannieJumbo" shows himself up at the end of the video with the sort of "effing and jeffing" most unbecoming of this most gentile of our West-end streets. What a terrible oik he is. We bet he wasn't even wearing a cycle-helmet.

PaveParkers of the Week Special!

It's all going on on Queen's Road - Aberdeen's Royal Gateway to the West!

Yes indeed, this week, there are so many PaveParkers to choose from, that we've decided for the first time to issue a special award to a location. That location is the pavement on the north side of the carriageway of Queen's Road, between the junction with Sprinfield Road and the roundabout with Kings Gate. Congratulations to this section of Aberdeen Pavement!

Queen's Road is a very nice area, and so it's of paramount importance that only the right kind of people use this thoroughfare. That's why it's so infuriating that a cycle lane was forced upon the residents and businesses of this upmarket street (we think it was the interfering EU court of so-called "Human Rights" which made the council put it in.) Cyclists on their way to sign on, cyclists on their way to the student protest, cyclists on their way to the needle exchange.

We're sure that all sends a shiver down your spine. But take heart! The drivers of Aberdeen Cars and Vans are on the case to put this right, thank god. Here we see a variety of PaveParkers employing a range of tactics. Let's take them one by one:

Yes, the driver of PaveParkVertising Aberdeen Van SX05DVN has employed our favourite tactic of rendering the bike lane unuseable. This allows us to self righteously and indignantly harumph about cyclists:

"I wish the feckers would cycle on the cycle paths that have been provided for them at a cost of millions!"

And...

"... then these freeloading cyclists don’t use them [cycle lanes], much preferring the ‘sharing’ of pavements with pedestrians!"

And so the trap is sprung on Aberdeen's Queen's Road, for further east, any pavement cyclists, who we have forced to eschew the cycle path which has been provided for them at a cost of millions are confronted with this:

Yes! Aberdeen's own unique weapon which prevents Queens Road look like the DSS-land or studentville that the poor cyclists make it seem - yes Full PaveParking has been employed to stop the cyclists using the pavements. It's genius!

Our congratulations go to the WVM driver of Aberdeen Vans SX05DVN and T536ASO. Congratulations to the driver of Aberdeen Car Chrysler 3.0 V6 CRD "Touring" (oooh!) with cherished plate reg BHS1B and its 3-litre engine. Yes, congratulations to them all three for showing what's really important in Aberdeen: The eradication of pedestrians and cyclists from our pavements and cycle lanes. We will not rest until this has been achieved.

Wrong Way? Huh? www.citysprint.co.uk AF52DDZ

www.citysprint.co.uk

Nothing can stop the brave WVM couriers of Aberdeen "City and Shire" - without doubt they are the new Samurai of the Road! Making up their own rules, they exemplify our certain knowledge that the economic growth embodied in the delivery of stuff is much more important than long-standing road-safety conventions such as one-way streets and no-entry signs.



We have contacted citysprint.co.uk to be sure that the driver of their van AF52DDZ is singled out for the special management attention he deserves.

Proof Positive That Foreigners Do Not Love Their Children

We all know that in abroad, and in some parts of Britain which are not concerned with the supply of oil and gas, they believe that 'global warming' is causing going to cause a 'bottleneck' which many species will be lucky to get through.

These arrogant people believe that they know best, and advocate birth control, voluntary euthanasia and all sorts of things like that to try to keep the 'damaging' human population down. All very sad and misguided, but not new. We were aware of these people and their activities. We knew all that.

But what we didn't know was this. These people are prepared to sacrifice their children in order to control the population. We have evidence - here, look:

Horrendous, isn't it? This is from the 'cyclestreets.net' website, and the photo is captioned: "Virtually all Dutch children cycle to school every day." Oh The Horror. The carnage must be unbelievable. The number of brain-damaged children in the Netherlands must be beyond count! The Dutch barbarians are prepared to soak their country in the blood of children's head injuries in order to 'save the planet'.

Of course, cycling is far too dangerous to just let children do it independently and in casual clothing. And here in Britain, we love our children, which is why we have every intention of making them safe at all times. If they were to cycle, we would make sure they were supervised and wearing high visibility yellow coats and big bright plastic helmets. This is in stark contrast to the Dutch monsters who let their children cycle about independently without any special equipment whatsoever. Unbelievable!

We believe that special safety equipment is very important and very good for safety at all times which is why we have no hesitation in endorsing these products which are for children to wear ALL THE TIME.

THE 'THUDGUARD'

THE 'OOPSIE'