Deception!

Haha! We have to admit it, we got caught out, we fell for it hook line and sinker! Do you remember when we wrote about our local council insulting us all by telling us to "just leave the car at home" when Xmas shopping. We wrote stuff like:

The retail sector in Aberdeen "City and Shire" has designed itself around mass-motoring. Our huge city-centre carparks servicing the huge city-centre indoor shopping malls. And, of course, driving about a lot and using lots of petrol supports the oil industry - our major employer. And everyone knows that the retail sector in Aberdeen is one of the key drivers of economic growth - contributing to a real "buzz" in the city providing the vibrancy which will kick-start the economy of the whole country, pulling UK plc out of recession. Not only that, vibrant Aberdeen now has by far the highest house prices in Scotland, and all that economic activity demonstrated by the highly economically active motorists of Aberdeen "City and Shire" as they vibrantly drive about the place helps to keep house prices high, showing the way for the whole of Scotland - what with average house prices in Aberdeen now approaching 20% higher than even Edinburgh!

So, for this Gordon McIntosh to critically undermine the engine of vibrant house-price growth demonstrates beyond any shadow of doubt that he is anti-car, anti-free-market, anti-growth and anti-Aberdeen. But then, what do you expect from a public-sector employee, featherbedded as he is with his gold-plated pension? How dare he presume tell us what to do! If he likes totalitarian communism so much he should move to North Korea, where hardly anyone has a car (coincidence?). Then he'd be happy, wouldn't he?

But now, we take it all back. Because just the other day, citizen contributor 'Ali' clicked the CitizenContribution HotLink (on the right-hand sidebar there) and told us the truth about this scandalous deception in a shocking exposé e-mail:

Dear Mr Skidmark,

I read your recent post with some interest "Just Leave the Car At Home" - Insult from Council

I fear what has happened here is those lazy journalists at the evening express are trying to cause trouble.  If you read the very cleverly worded press release on which the story was based:
http://www.aberdeencity.gov.uk/CouncilNews/ci_cns/pr_traffic_011211.asp

You will see the council does not really mean it - yes there is lots of stuff about the bargain park and ride, but the real truth is towards the bottom of the article where it reveals how many car park spaces and even some impromptu highway code advice.  What more can the motorist wish for? 

The economics speak for themselves, even at the discounted rate, for myself, husband and three children to park and ride costs £6 - this would pay for more than enough time in Union Square parking to do all my shopping and have a coffee!  Aberdeen city council should be recognised for allowing Union Square to charge such low parking charges in an urban area!

I trust you will bring this scandalous reporting to to your readers attention.

Regards
"Ali"

Yes, we fell for it, we actually believed the greenwash and then got all hot under the collar about it. Yes, it looks like the mischivious jouralists at the Press and Journal and Evening Express were looking to stir up trouble. And they got us hook, line and sinker. Yes, we didn't do our research properly. If we had done, we would have seen that our council knows which side its bread's buttered on. As 'Ali' says: "what more can the motorist wish for?"

Thank-you, 'Ali', what indeed?

Pothole Revenge!

It's that time again. Yes, it's that time of year when winter frosts turn the roads of Aberdeen "City and Shire" into a network of car-breaking pot-holes. Oh yes, be in no doubt that the family motorist in the north-east is picking up the cost for the dreadful condition of our roads as we try to go about our lawful business on Her Majesty's pock-marked and cratered highways - as we wealth-creators dodge massive craters on our way to the provide the necessary economic growth in Aberdeen to bale out UK plc from its current economic difficulties! (Aberdeen being not only the powerhouse of Scotland but the economic power station of Europe - if not the world - as pointed out by expert urban planner Mr Thompson on his famous Aucherness blog about planning issues in Scotland.)

So we're angry, yes - ANGRY! Angry at the state of our roads and the current epidemic of potholes which has turned our road network into something like out of a third world country like Africa. The one thing that gives us succour as we drive around the roads in Aberdeen "City and Shire" is the fact that the drivers of Aberdeen Cars have a keen sense of justice. Not only that, but the family motorist also has the means of implementing that justice to hand - yes, that most Aberdonian of utilitarian pastimes - the gentle art of PaveParking!

For - as we drive around the place creating economic vibrancy, business sustainability, a real buzz, and the iconic feeling that Aberdeen really, really is a world city that knows where it's going - we are often troubled by the sight of pestestrians wandering untidily about the place, looking untidy and poor, and - more to the point - avoiding paying road tax and petrol duty. The tax-avoiding shirkers! Disgusting! This will not stand. Therefore, so that these pestestrians (who like to interrupt our more important, vibrant, economically beneficial journeys with their "Green Man" and "Zebra" crossings) get a taste of what it's like to be a family motorist, we dispense justice via the effect that our PaveParking activities have on their precious footpaths. What's good for the goose is good for the gander, and we like to share, and so we share our pothole misery with the pestestrians. Equality - see? No-one can say that the drivers of Aberdeen Cars are not altruistically humanist egalitarians in spirit!

Here are some lovely exemplars of the humanist PaveParking handiwork of the drivers of Aberdeen Cars:

At present, there's a move afoot from some walking pressure group (no, really) calling themselves "Living Streets". They have launched a campaign called "Protect a pavement" which they hope will stop us from parking on footpaths. Let them try!

Looking at the Collins English Dictionary, it seems that a "footpath" is "a path along which the public has right of way". Yes. But where does it say that we cannot use our cars, vans and trucks to exercise that right? Nowhere. QED.

PaveParkers help Woodsiders

Some folk really do need teaching a lesson.

Woodside town centre. How vibrant do you want it?

A few decades ago, in their munificent enlightenment, our City Fathers responded decisively to the decline of manufacturing industry in the Woodside area to the north of our city. That wise response took the form of the very best in modern planning by sweeping away the (former) workers' tenements, wee shoppies, children's playgrounds, town squares and the like to build a magnificent, vibrant, exciting, modern and super new dual-carriageway expressway right through the centre of the former independent burgh of Woodside, thus creating a vibrant, exciting new transport paradigm for the blighted people of that unfortunate suburb. The speed limit on the dual-carriageway is 40 mph, which we all know really means 50 mph. How very exciting! Why walk through the remains of Woodside when you can roar through at 55 mph in the most modern and technologically exciting way yet dreamt up by modern science? The expressway is called "Great Northern Road".

Now, once the pinch points like working-class residences and community facilities and public transport infrastructure are swept away, it's a well know fact that lots of motorcar traffic vibrantly works wonders and makes places nice and welcoming for business activity and vibrant retail opportunities. So the people of Woodside should have been ready to spring excitedly upon the new opportunities brought about by this welcoming transport upgrade. But how did they respond? Did they become entrepreneurial business mavens, energetic captains of industry, aspirational retail magnates, exciting internet billionaires? No, they did not. They stayed glum. They stayed marginalised. Frankly, they stayed working class. Ugh. Some people!

We see them when we sweep through Woodside on the Great Northern Road dual carriageway at 60 mph on our way from Kintore to Union Square to bring economic growth to Aberdeen "City and Shire" through some much needed retail activity boosts. Yes, we see the people of Woodside, spilling out from the Salvation Army Homeless hostel which replaced the workers' tenements which had to be buldozed to build the expressway. Yes, we see them behind the pedestrian barriers which keep them from wandering aimlessly onto the dual carriageway and risking damage to our nice car as we whoosh vibrantly and welcomingly past at 65mph.  We see them and we hate them, for they are an ungrateful worthless glum underclass sticking to their old pedestrian habits, walking about like that making the place look all untidy and refusing to just get a nice car and drive about the place taking part in Aberdeen's vibrant economy like everyone else has to. We see them, and they frighten us a bit. We see them and we don't understand them, because they aren't in cars; the marques of which would serve to tell us about the type of people they are: Nice people are in Audis, arty creative people are in Beetles, ordinary people are in Fords or Vauxhalls and pretentious people drive Italian cars. But the very best people own Mercedes 4x4s. So if you're not in a car, you must have something to hide about yourself. Woodside is full of these sort of creepy weirdos hiding what sort of people they are by waking about in the open like that. High time it stopped.

As we said, some folk really do need teaching a lesson. Which is why we were so pleased to receive an e-mail from citizen contributor "Norman" who clicked the "CitizenContribution HotLink" (over to the right on the sidebar there) and submitted the photos which we're delighted to re-publish on this post.

In the photos you'll see that the mistake the city planners made all those years ago when they redeveloped the heart of Woodside was to leave some pavements in place, thus stupidly giving the impression that it's actually OK to be a pedestrian. Luckily, the photos also show that the philanthropic drivers of Aberdeen Cars have now taken matters into their own hands and are altruistically showing the people of Woodside the way ahead by denying them use of the pavements via the gift of that most Aberdonian of pastimes: the gentle art of PaveParking.

Soon - once the bus-lanes (which are nothing but socialist-inspired pinch points for we who drive the much-more-important free-market motorcars) are removed from Great Northern Road, allowing ever greater traffic flow for motorcars at futuristic (yet - we are reliably informed by clever, important people who know - emission free) speeds of up to 100mph; soon - once the Berryden Corridor radial expressway is built, linking Great Northern Road to Union Square; soon - once this integrated transport solution based entirely on cars links with the vast, exciting, vibrant and welcomingly iconic multistory carpark which is planned for the current site of Union Terrace Gardens, then - at last! - at long last! - the people of Woodside will finally get the message. They're bound to. Then Woodside will be really nice and welcoming. Because, d'you see? - the great big road which was gifted to them simply wasn't big and vibrant and connected enough. So we'll give them more, bigger, faster, better and more welcoming better big roadspace. Once it's bigger, faster and better more connected, vibrant and - therefore - welcomingly iconic better,  they're sure to gratefully and aspirationally get into their cars, and - like the rest of Aberdeen "City and Shire" join in with the 20th Century!

Hooray!

Oh, and PS.
Since I moved to Kintore, I don't pay Council Tax to Aberdeen City Council, so I'm grateful to the people of Woodside for subsidising my commute via their tax contributions to the infrastructure of Aberdeen City and the hidden subsidy which is their forced tolerance of my noise and particulate pollution - what choice do they have? None! Thanks a lot, suckers!

Upgrade. Bigger IS Better. Fact.

As our great affluence and the influence of all modern conveniences leads to greater and greater comfort for the wealthy drivers of Aberdeen Cars, for a lot of us, our wealth is worn visibly around our midriffs. And multiple chins, sausage-fingers and big fat arses. With 20% of primary-age children in Scotland now showing the effects of this labour-saving lifestyle, we can look forward to a future full of people of a healthy big-boned good-size. A jolly, roly-poly populace of bigger, heavier people to go with our bigger, heavier cars.

Jolly

But, of course, despite the fact that the average width of cars is now a good 30cm greater than it was when we were children, we have noted that sometimes the steering wheel gets in the way of the stomach, and that fingers of a good-width sometimes have difficulty with fiddly little buttons on dashboards etc.

Imagine then our relief as word reaches us from a couple of sources that "Supersized Cars Could be on the Way" for the super sized drivers of Aberdeen Cars as luxury car makers look to "Plump My Ride..."

(The Daily Telegraph goes on to use the word 'fat' in the headline, which we think is a bit harsh. As we said, the drivers of Aberdeen Cars tend to be "bigger people"; we are a "good size", jolly and fun, with healthy red cheeks.)

Here's some of the text from the Daily Telegraph article:
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/motoring/news/8845213/Plump-my-ride-luxury-car-makers-create-bigger-cars-for-fat-drivers.html

Luxury manufacturers have begun road-testing the next generation of larger-sized vehicle [which] officials say will allow bigger people to maintain their comfort on the road.
[...]
"People are getting more obese and we want to find out how that limits their range of motion and how our vehicles can adapt to the changing needs of our customers,” Ralf Kaiser, a member of BMW's ergonomics team, told the Sunday Times.
“We know that a lot of overweight and obese people have problems in daily life, and in the car this starts with getting in and getting out. In general, these aren’t sporty people.
[...]
Mercedes has unveiled plans to strengthen grab handles above its doors, in part to help heavier passengers support themselves.
Porsche, meanwhile, is installing “electrically-powered steering columns” on top-of-the-range models that rise when the engine is switched off.
Over the past decade, Honda has widened its seats by up to 2in to accommodate larger bottoms while its new range of vehicles will also have buttons that will allow for so-called "sausage fingers".

Bigger IS Better. Fact.

BP06FFV - Blind Rage

Terrible. How inconsiderate. Really shocking. She must have been petrified. How awful for the driver of this Aberdeen Car reg. BP06FFV who must have been terrified that the blind woman would bump into her nice car, running the risk of scratching it and thus rendering it less nice.


We were pleased to note that the driver chose to repeatedly rev her engine loudly to assertively warn off the reckless selfish blind woman and her aggressive "status dog". Very well done.

Aberdeen Parking

Oh look, a new "how-to" guide blog about best-practice parking techniques and locations for the drivers of Aberdeen Cars. Check it out!

Aberdeen Parking
http://aberdeenparking.wordpress.com/

In the above example, the driver of Audi Q7 SV11THF is shown demonstrating to the blind old lady who's boss and what's what by parking on the pavement and straddling the zig-zag markings. To be sure that the blind old woman got the message, the driver of the Audi was sure to rev her engine as agressively as possible while she occupied the pavement. This is sure to let the blind old woman know that its Audi-driver's tax-Pounds that pay for her guide dog and that she lives only by the gift and goodwill of the aspirational and affluent drivers of Aberdeen Cars. Educational.

"Just Leave the Car At Home" - Insult from Council

http://www.pressandjournal.co.uk/Article.aspx/2543951

THE man in charge of ensuring traffic flows freely in Aberdeen has urged shoppers to leave their cars at home to cut gridlock this Christmas.
Huge crowds are expected at the weekend as thousands of people flock to the city centre.
Infrastructure director Gordon McIntosh ... is appealing to residents to take advantage of public transport and avoid clogging up roads and car parks with traffic.

Unbelievable. That the council civil servant in charge of infrastructure should issue such an edict! Of course, what he fails to realise is that most people aspire to the convenience of personal motor transport, pay dearly for the privilege, provide much employment, contribute greatly in taxes, and then people like this council apparatchik just expect them to ‘leave the car at home’, while their money is spent creating cycle lanes and the like for freeloading cyclists.

The retail sector in Aberdeen "City and Shire" has designed itself around mass-motoring. Our huge city-centre carparks servicing the huge city-centre indoor shopping malls. And, of course, driving about a lot and using lots of petrol supports the oil industry - our major employer. And everyone knows that the retail sector in Aberdeen is one of the key drivers of economic growth - contributing to a real "buzz" in the city providing the vibrancy which will kick-start the economy of the whole country, pulling UK plc out of recession. Not only that, vibrant Aberdeen now has by far the highest house prices in Scotland, and all that economic activity demonstrated by the highly economically active motorists of Aberdeen "City and Shire" as they vibrantly drive about the place helps to keep house prices high, showing the way for the whole of Scotland - what with average house prices in Aberdeen now approaching 20% higher than even Edinburgh!

So, for this Gordon McIntosh to critically undermine the engine of vibrant house-price growth demonstrates beyond any shadow of doubt that he is anti-car, anti-free-market, anti-growth and anti-Aberdeen. But then, what do you expect from a public-sector employee, featherbedded as he is with his gold-plated pension? How dare he presume tell us what to do! If he likes totalitarian communism so much he should move to North Korea, where hardly anyone has a car (coincidence?). Then he'd be happy, wouldn't he?