North Deeside Road Parking Lane

Once again, we see an excellent example of the considerate nature of the drivers of Aberdeen cars.

Here, on North Deeside Road, close to Pitfodels Station Road, we see that the compassionate driver of silver-grey Honda CRV Diesel Estate 2.2 iDTec EX 5dr reg. H14 ABM has decided that the cycle lane is far too dangerous for cyclists to use, and has rightly deemed it to be far better a place to park than to ride a bike.

Any cyclist coming along and facing this sight would be left re-evaluating his transport choice - he would either have to cycle on the pavement (which isn't allowed) or move out into the 'taxpayer lane' where he would get in the way of important VIP taxpayer cars. Yes, the hapless cyclist would be forced to have a bit of a re-think about why he thought it was a good idea to cycle around the place anyway - getting in the way and showing off like that.

Everyone knows that the roads are far too busy to cycle on; far too busy with important people going about in their cars, contributing to economic growth and supporting the exchequer. Roads are not a playground, free for people to do-as-they-please and indulge their hobbies.

And, everyone knows that cycling is highly dangerous anyway, so by taking the matter into his own hands and discouraging this fringe minority hazardous activity, the clever and important driver of Honda CRV reg. H14 ABM has actually made the roads much safer. You see, now, it's not a "cycle lane", it's a much needed (and free) "parking lane" for road-tax payers only.

It's David Cameron's "Big Society" in action, right here, in Aberdeen!

And it's marvelous!

PaveParker of the Week! LM04 ABK

Congratulations are due to this weeks exemplary PaveParker: Renault Laguna 1.8 16V Extreme [oooh!] 5dr, reg LM04 ABK.

When we spotted this display on the city's Airyhall Road, close to the new International School campus, we were almost overwhelmed.

The driver has demonstrated 5 (five!) advanced aspects of the gentle art of PaveParking. Wow!

1. Use of the dropped pavement in order to facilitate the PaveParking maneuver, easing intromission into position just behind the tree. Smooth!
2. Use of the tree as an auxillary front fender ensures that no other vehicle can possibly touch the front of this nice car. We all know that if anyone we don't know even touches a car that can render it less nice and thus speed up its depreciation. Additionally any impact carries a severe risk of explosion! We know this because we've seen it in the films. Scratches are just as bad. So, use of a tree to fend off collisions is to be commended. Secure! Safe!
3. Full PaveParking. The driver has succeeded in achieving the holy grail of advanced PaveParking and has placed all four wheels on the pavement, off of the carriageway and out of the way of the other busy important motorists who're busily and importantly going about their lawful business on Her Majesty's highway. Considerate!
4. Aberdeen's considerate motorists know that there are still some people in "Europe's Oil Capital" who've been left behind, who are less fortunate than ourselves and, because they are poor, have to walk everywhere. We see people walking about and it tugs at our heartstrings that they can't afford a nice car; why else would they be walking? Anyway, this considerate PaveParker has been sure to leave a 30cm gap between the car and the wall, so that poverty-stricken pedestrians can pass, without having to impinge onto the carriageway, or taxpayer lane as we call it. Charitable!
5. Finally, this PaveParker has 'flipped the wingmirror', thus further lessening any risk of a depreciation-inducing impact incident. We can see a tax-dodging cyclist further up the road, so the PaveParker has done especially well to anticipate the danger. If the paveparker had not 'flipped the wingmirror', the cyclist would have definately collided with it, causing egregious depreciation. Or worse! Some newer, nicer cars have motorised wingmirrors which flip up-at-the-touch-of-a-button. Gadgets are cool! Labour-saving motorised gadgets are double cool! This PaveParker is, therefore, by association, definitely, Super Cool!

So, smooth, secure, safe, considerate, charitable and super-cool, the PaveParking driver of Silver Grey Renault Laguna LM04 ABK is our PaveParker of the Week!

Congratulations! Yay!

More 'Road Closed' Misery

Anyone who repeatedly drives from the north of Aberdeen to the south and back again or vice-versa twice a day to and from their very important, essential job will surely - and quite rightly - be outraged by the nonsensical closure of this key link-road which used to join Kingswells and the Skene Road to Bucksburn and the A96 Trunk road.

Just because a new road was built round the outside of the burgeoning 1980's Kingswells new-build suburb that's surely no reason for the council-in-all-their-wisdom to shut down this existing and perfectly good road. It would make a great rat-run for drivers-in-the-know. It's got a lovely camber and curve to it - imagine dropping a gear and roaring round that corner like Tiff Needell! It'd be just like being in a car advert! Isn't that what everyone wants?

But instead - as hard-pressed VIP tax-farmed motorists fume and fulminate in the gridlock at the Fourmile roundabout and at the Newhills junction - this perfectly good road bridging the Bucksburn lies unused. Unused that is except for dog-walkers, cyclists and schoolkids - none of whom (we needn't point out to regular readers) pay road tax and so none of whom count as road-users. So why are they allowed to use this road, then? It's got streetlights and everything. It makes us sick to see these free-loading non-productive tax-avoiding non-contributing subsidy-junkies laughing at us as they use this road and other routes like it as if they were private roads - just for them.


Who's paying for it then? Who except the tax-paying long-suffering hard-pressed motorist? Oh yes, it's time for a re-think about this stretch of road. It should be re-opened immediately. Oh, and the bypass must be built straightaway.

The very worst thing about this closed section of road is that, when it's used by pedestrians, horseriders, cyclists and other unimportant subsidised people, it gives them the impression that it's actually safe to walk, or cycle or ride a horse. It makes them think that it's a nice thing to do. It makes them feel all cosseted and clever. Well, they're not, they're just showing off, trying to be "different". Everyone knows that these activities are dangerous. Anyway, cyclehelmets make you look stupid and walking makes you look poor.


For their own good, these people need to be shown the error of their ways. The sooner their little 'hobbies' are stamped out, and the sooner they learn to conform with the vast majority of people who's transport choice actually contributes to society and the exchequer, the safer they'll be and the better it'll be for everyone. The sooner these misguided folk get about in safe, warm, nice cars, the happier they'll be and everyone will be able to tell how much money they've got at-a-glance. They should stop kidding themselves and the authorities should stop closing perfectly good roads like this - it only encourages them; humoring their stupid delusions of fitness and fun and freedom and cheap active transport. Roads are for tax-paying cars (and vans) - nobody else. OK?

Worried About Pollution?

Stay in your car!

There's been a lot of hand-wringing about pollution. Or emissions. It's all very confusing. Carbon dioxide, carbon monoxide, nitrous oxides, gasses, soot, dust, particulates... and on and on...

Some say that some of these emissions cause "global warming". We're not scientists, so we can't say whether that's true or not. However, what we do know is that our colleagues at Bristol Traffic say - quite authoritatively - that climate change is caused by industrial pollution from the manufacture of too much cycle helmets and high visibility jackets. This assertion suits our agenda, so we're happy to blindly go along and agree with it. Unquestioningly.

Carcinogenic, smelly, eyewatering, climate wrecking, skin-wrinkling. This pollution stuff is nasty!

It's been said that Aberdeen has some of the worst town-centre air pollution in Europe. Best by far to stay in your climate-controlled and air-conditioned car.

Road Closed! Permanently.

It's been brought to our attention that a new menace stalks the freedom of the blameless Aberdeen driver. The permanently closed road! What's that all about, then!?!?

Not content with punishing the already-hard-pressed and tax-farmed motorist with increasing parking charges, our council in all its wisdom,has decided to further punish the innocent motorist by blocking off some of the favourite commuter rat-runs, thus rendering them usable only by tax dodging pedestrians and cyclists.

In this most egregious example, Rubislaw Park Road (formerly a handy high-speed short cut between Cragiebuckler and Kepplestone) is closed to the tax-paying VIP motorcar driver in favour of tax-dodging pedestrian pensioners who chat pleasantly to each other as they dawdle along, pushing an economically-inactive gurgling baby in a buggy.

It's a disgrace!

Philanthropic Parker - WVM G3 TLC

We mentioned in other posts that the compassionate motorists of Aberdeen often do their best to make things safer for cyclists and pedestrians whenever they can. But do they get any recognition for this? Do they heck! That's what we're for at Aberdeen Cars. That's what we're all about.

So we were delighted to notice another example of a motorist trying to show cyclists the error of their ways on Aberdeen's prestigious, upscale Queen's Road. The Transit Van is, of course, the 'Backbone of Britain' and we all know that their drivers - the WVM (White Van Men) are generally the busiest, most productive and important members of the business community what with all that delivering very important stuff and picking up very important stuff all day long. They are performing Essential Services. Nothing should ever get in their way. Nothing. Ever. 

So, it was heartwarming to notice this WVM, the driver of white (or is it dove grey? difficult to say) Ford Transit G3 TLC taking time out from performing his essential and indispensably important round to teach the misguided cyclists an important lesson. The lesson is this: Cycling is dangerous.

The unsuspecting hippy cyclist, his head full of unrealistic expectations of peace and love and loveliness and carbon-neutral vegetarianism has no idea how much danger he's putting himself in on his way to sign on or attend sociology lectures or whatever, pampered and cosseted as he is in his useless cycle lane. So it's up to the important economically active motorists, with the WVM in their vanguard (geddit?)  to show the way - to show how to be a proper road-user. 

The WVM ably demonstrates this by parking in the Queen's Road cycle lane (or "parking lane" as it should be called) just around the corner on the fast downhill section travelling from west to east around the Hill of Rubislaw - that'll surprise the cyclists as they whizz down and round the corner! That'll shake them out of their smug self regard! Note how the WVM has left his Transit in reverse (see the lights) sending the unmistakeable message salvo - Get out of my way! Even if you're behind me! I can't see you, but I'm coming anyway!

The cyclists are educated by the dilemma that WVM puts them in: they must either enter the tax-payer lane - thus getting in the way of the more-important-than-them VIP motor traffic - or use the pavement. Which isn't allowed.

So much easier just to get a car! And so fit in with the rest of society.

Essential Services

The driver of Evening Express delivery van SW008 HYR demonstrates advanced parking and delivery technique. The Holburn Street Co-op is a popular spot for motorists to pop in for a Ginsters or something on their way to somewhere important; the Pelican Crossing (for those too poor to own cars) and its so-called 'zig-zags' providing an excellent parking platform - very convenient for a close proximity high-speed pit-stop. Just like Sebastian Vettel! Failed wannabe racing driver Tiff Nedell would be proud.

But it's not all Ginsters snack bars! To while away the time in Aberdeen's notorious gridlock keen motorists may want to read about the forthcoming AWPR and all the measures being deployed around Aberdeen to try to stamp out cycling. What better place to "read all about it" than in our comfortingly pro-motorcar local press? The Evening Express delivery man is therefore performing an Essential Service, which comes with privileges concomitant with his advanced driver status.

The photos show us several aspects of this driver's advanced technique:

He demonstrates the fact that he is performing an Essential Service by blinking the hazard lights ("exempt-lights", as we call them), which of course perform the same function as the flashing blue or red lights used by the Emergency Services. In each case they demonstrate that the vehicle is doing Something Very Important.

Eschewing even the zig-zags (where he has every right to park, probably?), he parks directly on the pedestrian section of the crossing, as delineated by the carriageway-embedded metal studs. This enables the hard-pressed but very important delivery driver to cleverly make full use of the dropped kerb and anti-slip paving slaps, while simultaneously preventing any people of lesser importance from making use of the crossing on foot. While this might seem at first to be a little selfish, we understand, of course, that the delivery driver is actually using this choice of position as a safety feature - by putting off others from using the crossing, he reduces the risk that any foot-user might become injured by bumping into him as he goes about his Essential Service.

To further reduce the risk of interference as he goes about performing his Essential Service, in an elemental audio-visual display of alpha-male dominance, the delivery driver proudly and prominently exhibits his many manly tattoos while intimidating foul and personal abuse issues from his mouth in the direction of the camera operator. The black gloves also add a sinister touch. Don't mess!

Oh, if only he knew that we were going to praise him and his innovative and highly advanced delivery driving technique!

We believe that the Delivery Driver of Evening Express van SW08 HYR deserves an award for the heroic way he goes about performing his Essential Service. So we've written to his employers to tell them so.

PaveParker of the Week! OW08 EYU

As everyone knows, most traffic regulations in Aberdeen are advisory only - allowing room for our motivated and enabled motorists to THINK FOR THEMSELVES.

One grey area is the so-called "zig-zags" we can see around those pesky tax-dodger crossings - the dreaded Pelican. But one thing's for sure, even if it is a bit naughty to park on the "zig-zags" (we don't know why it would be?), everyone knows that traffic regulations are not enforced on Sunday, so enabling the advanced Aberdeen driver to do as he pleases. And quite right too! We noticed a fabulous example of just such an empowered Aberdeen Driver yesterday, outside the Holburn Street Co-op.

The exemplary driver of Black BMW 320d SE reg. OW08 EYU displays many aspects of advanced motorism. Firstly - showing that he can THINK FOR HIMSELF - he parks on the so-called "zig-zags". (We don't even know what they're for? What else could their function possibly be?) Secondly, he PaveParks by putting both nearside wheels on the pavement just to show the tax-avoiding unimportant pedestrians that he can and thus establishing and consolidating the proper hierarchy of things. Thirdly, this advanced maneuver is being executed on a Sunday, so - even if there might be 'issues' with parking on the so-called "zig-zags" - nothing bad can happen to the motorist. Fourthly, the motorist demonstrates his advanced knowledge of all the above by flashing his hazard lights (or "exempt" lights, as we prefer to call them). The orange flashing lights draw our attention to his fantastic skill, knowledge and superiority.

And fifthly, the motorist is demonstrating his philanthropic, caring and compassionate side by actually screening the poor pedestrians from the oncoming traffic, thus sheltering them from the extreme danger usually associated with pedestrianism and as everyone can see actually making the crossing all the safer!

For all the above, this driver is is clearly our PaveParker of the week. And soooo much more!

Westhill Cycleway

Much money has been wasted recently on upgrading a perfectly adequate cycle lane which runs parallel to the Westhill dual carriageway, much to the chagrin of the heavily tax-farmed motorists who continue to suffer from the pot-holed 3rd-World-standard roads of Aberdeen 'City and Shire'. Why should the VIP motorists who are the ONLY source of economic growth in the area continue to pamper the unemployed hippy lycra-clad vegetarian tax-avoiding fringes of society with subsidies while being forced to endure substandard infrastructure themselves?

It was great to see our pro-motorist local press intervene to orchestrate a campaign aimed at putting a stop to this waste of road-tax payers' money.

Anyway, despite what the moaning-minnie cyclist anti-car warriors say, the Westhill Cyclepath is fine. They should be grateful.



See - plenty room for the cyclist and the jogger - nobody got hurt, did they?

But, these are safety-conscious days, and it's good to see that - further into town - some considerate motorists have taken the plight of the cyclist to heart. To discourage the poor dears from venturing so far out of town onto the dangerous Westhill cycle path, philanthropic, compassionate and civic minded motorists taken the initiative to block the cycle lane (or parking lane as we like to call it) as it rounds the Hill of Rubislaw. This is what David Cameron means when he speaks of his "Big Society".



The cyclists confronted by this blockage must either then enter the tax-payer lane - thus getting in the way of the more-important-than-them VIP motor traffic - or use the pavement. Which isn't allowed.

But, there is of course, a way out: a way to give up on their fruitless quest to be 'different', to stop trying to 'stand out from the crowd'. Nobody likes a show-off, so we'd all prefer that the cyclists were helped to conform with the vast majority of transport users in Aberdeen 'City and Shire'.

So here the misguided cyclist is offered a perfect solution. Enterprisingly (and what else would you expect from a clever motorist?) the owner of Mercedes Benz Vito 111CDi Traveliner YN10 GBU is offering the vehicle for sale.



They have even helpfully applied their phone number to the rear windscreen for the disappointed cyclist to note down and make use of. It's 07827 300777.

As their cycle lane is used for much-needed free parking and advertising space - the cyclists are offered a new world of conformity, comfort and safety in a silver-grey German car. It's for their own good.

"Two-O is Too Slow!"

The Association of British Nutters is the UK's leading campaign group for people who want to drive as fast as they damn well like.

[are you sure that's right? - Ed]

from ABN via cc.

The Association of British Drivers is the "Voice of the Driver" for drivers who can THINK for themselves. We love their "Quotes on speed" page, which give lots of comforting words from lots of experts.

Here's our favourite:

"All psychologists and doctors say people who go faster drive better and are more careful."

Brilliant. Of course, we knew that already.

Motorism Will Prevent Drought.

The greenie hippies and other War on the Motorist crusaders are always banging on about global warming and trying to make hard-pressed motorists feel guilty about getting about using the transport choice of their convenience and free choice.

Well, firstly, let us point out that anyone who lives in Aberdeen "City and Shire" would be perfectly reasonably within their rights to think that a bit of warming would be a good thing. Particularly today! Brrrr!

Secondly, when the hippies say that global warming will lead to drought, what they're forgetting is that "By the time the AWPR [Aberdeen bypass] is built, new car tailpipe emissions will almost certainly be nothing but pure water." That's according to our authoritative source at Granite Chips.

So, if we all drive more when the bypass opens in 2012, we'll solve the drought problem that the hippy vegetarian greenies say that global warming will cause. Not that global warming exists anyway - it's just an excuse to tax us more.

An Introduction to PaveParking in Aberdeen

While looking for motorism advocacy allies, we came across the wonderful Bristol Traffic blog, which is full of tips for hard-pressed tax-farmed motorists and is a great inspiration to us. We who fight the war against the war against motorists should take note of the great advocacy and advice which is on offer from Bristol Traffic.

Of particular note to us was a clever little motorist trick we've noticed motorists-in-the-know using round and about here in Aberdeen. On Bristol Traffic they call it "paveparking".

So, in homage to their inspiration, we will too. Only we'll capitalise it and do that thrilling branding thing of partial italicisation and using a capital letter half way through the word. Exciting.

PaveParking^tm

Do you see what we've done? We've put a little 'tm' on there too, just make it a bit more 'corporate', specially for the motorists of Aberdeen who just love everything corporate.

Yes, PaveParking. The beauty of PaveParking, is, of course, that traffic wardens (or those busybody anti-motorist warriors - the "dreaded" community wardens) can't touch you for it: enforcement of footway parking being a police matter, under the “causing danger to other road users” and obstruction provisions of the Road Traffic Act (1988) and the Road Vehicles (Construction and Use) Regulations (1986). However, police usually take the view that they need to observe the vehicle being parked on the footway and then demonstrate that the driver had the intention to obstruct in order to be able to enforce the law. And so in practice it is rarely - if ever! - enforced. Yes, the police know that they've better things to do (like catching actual criminals) than harassing hard-pressed motorists who're just parking cleverly.

PaveParking! It's clever, It's quick, it's convenient, it's free and it's not really all that illegal!

So today - to celebrate the PaveParkers of Aberdeen - we're launching the PaveParker of the Week award - and here's the inaugural winner:

Vauxhall Insignia Diesel Hatchback J800 RDN demonstrates the advanced skill of Full PaveParking; managing to place all four wheels on the pavement of Holburn Street. The location is just beside that new-ish Old Deeside Line footbridge which the road-tax-dodging cyclists, pedestrians and horsey people use to get from goodness-knows-where to goodness-knows-where. We think they're just showing off. God knows what they think they've got to show off about.

By contrast, the clever PaveParker of J800 RDN would be quite within his or her rights to show off - for he or she knows that PaveParking has an important economic benefit in these austerity times. By getting out of the way of other busy important motorists who're busily and importantly going about their lawful business on Her Majesty's highway, the clever PaveParker helps the traffic flow - and as we all know, efficient and swift traffic flow - more cars on more roads - is the only way we can ensure a prosperous future for Aberdeen once the oil runs out.

Also, by keeping the traffic flowing, it cuts down on pollution. That'll keep the greenies (like national disgrace, scoundrel and extremist Cllr. Debra Storr) happy too!

You expect us to stop? But there's no line?

On Aberdeen's Lang Stracht, Council financial stringency has meant that the road-markings haven't been renewed as often as they should. With the result, the stop lines at certain traffic lights have all but worn away. Clever motorists have perspicaciously noticed this. It means you probably don't have to stop at the red if you're in a hurry (maybe), or if you're really important. Or if you're a strong-willed individualistic rebel. Like these motorists clearly are?



In any case, we at Aberdeen Cars believe that traffic lights should be advisory. Like speed limits or parking restrictions.

Enlightened motoring in Rosemount.

Aberdeen is tycoon town. If you're not a tycoon yet, you will be soon! It's great that this spirit of individualism has spread to the hard-pressed busy motorist - why should he allow petty officialdom stupid rules like red lights stand in his way? He's busy! He's Important!

And he's definately more capable of making up his own mind when it's safe to go or not than some automatic petty traffic control robot (the traffic lights.) In any case, traffic lights should be advisory only. It's great to see this busy hard-pressed motorist pushing this agenda in Aberdeen.