Deception!

Haha! We have to admit it, we got caught out, we fell for it hook line and sinker! Do you remember when we wrote about our local council insulting us all by telling us to "just leave the car at home" when Xmas shopping. We wrote stuff like:

The retail sector in Aberdeen "City and Shire" has designed itself around mass-motoring. Our huge city-centre carparks servicing the huge city-centre indoor shopping malls. And, of course, driving about a lot and using lots of petrol supports the oil industry - our major employer. And everyone knows that the retail sector in Aberdeen is one of the key drivers of economic growth - contributing to a real "buzz" in the city providing the vibrancy which will kick-start the economy of the whole country, pulling UK plc out of recession. Not only that, vibrant Aberdeen now has by far the highest house prices in Scotland, and all that economic activity demonstrated by the highly economically active motorists of Aberdeen "City and Shire" as they vibrantly drive about the place helps to keep house prices high, showing the way for the whole of Scotland - what with average house prices in Aberdeen now approaching 20% higher than even Edinburgh!

So, for this Gordon McIntosh to critically undermine the engine of vibrant house-price growth demonstrates beyond any shadow of doubt that he is anti-car, anti-free-market, anti-growth and anti-Aberdeen. But then, what do you expect from a public-sector employee, featherbedded as he is with his gold-plated pension? How dare he presume tell us what to do! If he likes totalitarian communism so much he should move to North Korea, where hardly anyone has a car (coincidence?). Then he'd be happy, wouldn't he?

But now, we take it all back. Because just the other day, citizen contributor 'Ali' clicked the CitizenContribution HotLink (on the right-hand sidebar there) and told us the truth about this scandalous deception in a shocking exposé e-mail:

Dear Mr Skidmark,

I read your recent post with some interest "Just Leave the Car At Home" - Insult from Council

I fear what has happened here is those lazy journalists at the evening express are trying to cause trouble.  If you read the very cleverly worded press release on which the story was based:
http://www.aberdeencity.gov.uk/CouncilNews/ci_cns/pr_traffic_011211.asp

You will see the council does not really mean it - yes there is lots of stuff about the bargain park and ride, but the real truth is towards the bottom of the article where it reveals how many car park spaces and even some impromptu highway code advice.  What more can the motorist wish for? 

The economics speak for themselves, even at the discounted rate, for myself, husband and three children to park and ride costs £6 - this would pay for more than enough time in Union Square parking to do all my shopping and have a coffee!  Aberdeen city council should be recognised for allowing Union Square to charge such low parking charges in an urban area!

I trust you will bring this scandalous reporting to to your readers attention.

Regards
"Ali"

Yes, we fell for it, we actually believed the greenwash and then got all hot under the collar about it. Yes, it looks like the mischivious jouralists at the Press and Journal and Evening Express were looking to stir up trouble. And they got us hook, line and sinker. Yes, we didn't do our research properly. If we had done, we would have seen that our council knows which side its bread's buttered on. As 'Ali' says: "what more can the motorist wish for?"

Thank-you, 'Ali', what indeed?

Pothole Revenge!

It's that time again. Yes, it's that time of year when winter frosts turn the roads of Aberdeen "City and Shire" into a network of car-breaking pot-holes. Oh yes, be in no doubt that the family motorist in the north-east is picking up the cost for the dreadful condition of our roads as we try to go about our lawful business on Her Majesty's pock-marked and cratered highways - as we wealth-creators dodge massive craters on our way to the provide the necessary economic growth in Aberdeen to bale out UK plc from its current economic difficulties! (Aberdeen being not only the powerhouse of Scotland but the economic power station of Europe - if not the world - as pointed out by expert urban planner Mr Thompson on his famous Aucherness blog about planning issues in Scotland.)

So we're angry, yes - ANGRY! Angry at the state of our roads and the current epidemic of potholes which has turned our road network into something like out of a third world country like Africa. The one thing that gives us succour as we drive around the roads in Aberdeen "City and Shire" is the fact that the drivers of Aberdeen Cars have a keen sense of justice. Not only that, but the family motorist also has the means of implementing that justice to hand - yes, that most Aberdonian of utilitarian pastimes - the gentle art of PaveParking!

For - as we drive around the place creating economic vibrancy, business sustainability, a real buzz, and the iconic feeling that Aberdeen really, really is a world city that knows where it's going - we are often troubled by the sight of pestestrians wandering untidily about the place, looking untidy and poor, and - more to the point - avoiding paying road tax and petrol duty. The tax-avoiding shirkers! Disgusting! This will not stand. Therefore, so that these pestestrians (who like to interrupt our more important, vibrant, economically beneficial journeys with their "Green Man" and "Zebra" crossings) get a taste of what it's like to be a family motorist, we dispense justice via the effect that our PaveParking activities have on their precious footpaths. What's good for the goose is good for the gander, and we like to share, and so we share our pothole misery with the pestestrians. Equality - see? No-one can say that the drivers of Aberdeen Cars are not altruistically humanist egalitarians in spirit!

Here are some lovely exemplars of the humanist PaveParking handiwork of the drivers of Aberdeen Cars:

At present, there's a move afoot from some walking pressure group (no, really) calling themselves "Living Streets". They have launched a campaign called "Protect a pavement" which they hope will stop us from parking on footpaths. Let them try!

Looking at the Collins English Dictionary, it seems that a "footpath" is "a path along which the public has right of way". Yes. But where does it say that we cannot use our cars, vans and trucks to exercise that right? Nowhere. QED.

PaveParkers help Woodsiders

Some folk really do need teaching a lesson.

Woodside town centre. How vibrant do you want it?

A few decades ago, in their munificent enlightenment, our City Fathers responded decisively to the decline of manufacturing industry in the Woodside area to the north of our city. That wise response took the form of the very best in modern planning by sweeping away the (former) workers' tenements, wee shoppies, children's playgrounds, town squares and the like to build a magnificent, vibrant, exciting, modern and super new dual-carriageway expressway right through the centre of the former independent burgh of Woodside, thus creating a vibrant, exciting new transport paradigm for the blighted people of that unfortunate suburb. The speed limit on the dual-carriageway is 40 mph, which we all know really means 50 mph. How very exciting! Why walk through the remains of Woodside when you can roar through at 55 mph in the most modern and technologically exciting way yet dreamt up by modern science? The expressway is called "Great Northern Road".

Now, once the pinch points like working-class residences and community facilities and public transport infrastructure are swept away, it's a well know fact that lots of motorcar traffic vibrantly works wonders and makes places nice and welcoming for business activity and vibrant retail opportunities. So the people of Woodside should have been ready to spring excitedly upon the new opportunities brought about by this welcoming transport upgrade. But how did they respond? Did they become entrepreneurial business mavens, energetic captains of industry, aspirational retail magnates, exciting internet billionaires? No, they did not. They stayed glum. They stayed marginalised. Frankly, they stayed working class. Ugh. Some people!

We see them when we sweep through Woodside on the Great Northern Road dual carriageway at 60 mph on our way from Kintore to Union Square to bring economic growth to Aberdeen "City and Shire" through some much needed retail activity boosts. Yes, we see the people of Woodside, spilling out from the Salvation Army Homeless hostel which replaced the workers' tenements which had to be buldozed to build the expressway. Yes, we see them behind the pedestrian barriers which keep them from wandering aimlessly onto the dual carriageway and risking damage to our nice car as we whoosh vibrantly and welcomingly past at 65mph.  We see them and we hate them, for they are an ungrateful worthless glum underclass sticking to their old pedestrian habits, walking about like that making the place look all untidy and refusing to just get a nice car and drive about the place taking part in Aberdeen's vibrant economy like everyone else has to. We see them, and they frighten us a bit. We see them and we don't understand them, because they aren't in cars; the marques of which would serve to tell us about the type of people they are: Nice people are in Audis, arty creative people are in Beetles, ordinary people are in Fords or Vauxhalls and pretentious people drive Italian cars. But the very best people own Mercedes 4x4s. So if you're not in a car, you must have something to hide about yourself. Woodside is full of these sort of creepy weirdos hiding what sort of people they are by waking about in the open like that. High time it stopped.

As we said, some folk really do need teaching a lesson. Which is why we were so pleased to receive an e-mail from citizen contributor "Norman" who clicked the "CitizenContribution HotLink" (over to the right on the sidebar there) and submitted the photos which we're delighted to re-publish on this post.

In the photos you'll see that the mistake the city planners made all those years ago when they redeveloped the heart of Woodside was to leave some pavements in place, thus stupidly giving the impression that it's actually OK to be a pedestrian. Luckily, the photos also show that the philanthropic drivers of Aberdeen Cars have now taken matters into their own hands and are altruistically showing the people of Woodside the way ahead by denying them use of the pavements via the gift of that most Aberdonian of pastimes: the gentle art of PaveParking.

Soon - once the bus-lanes (which are nothing but socialist-inspired pinch points for we who drive the much-more-important free-market motorcars) are removed from Great Northern Road, allowing ever greater traffic flow for motorcars at futuristic (yet - we are reliably informed by clever, important people who know - emission free) speeds of up to 100mph; soon - once the Berryden Corridor radial expressway is built, linking Great Northern Road to Union Square; soon - once this integrated transport solution based entirely on cars links with the vast, exciting, vibrant and welcomingly iconic multistory carpark which is planned for the current site of Union Terrace Gardens, then - at last! - at long last! - the people of Woodside will finally get the message. They're bound to. Then Woodside will be really nice and welcoming. Because, d'you see? - the great big road which was gifted to them simply wasn't big and vibrant and connected enough. So we'll give them more, bigger, faster, better and more welcoming better big roadspace. Once it's bigger, faster and better more connected, vibrant and - therefore - welcomingly iconic better,  they're sure to gratefully and aspirationally get into their cars, and - like the rest of Aberdeen "City and Shire" join in with the 20th Century!

Hooray!

Oh, and PS.
Since I moved to Kintore, I don't pay Council Tax to Aberdeen City Council, so I'm grateful to the people of Woodside for subsidising my commute via their tax contributions to the infrastructure of Aberdeen City and the hidden subsidy which is their forced tolerance of my noise and particulate pollution - what choice do they have? None! Thanks a lot, suckers!

Upgrade. Bigger IS Better. Fact.

As our great affluence and the influence of all modern conveniences leads to greater and greater comfort for the wealthy drivers of Aberdeen Cars, for a lot of us, our wealth is worn visibly around our midriffs. And multiple chins, sausage-fingers and big fat arses. With 20% of primary-age children in Scotland now showing the effects of this labour-saving lifestyle, we can look forward to a future full of people of a healthy big-boned good-size. A jolly, roly-poly populace of bigger, heavier people to go with our bigger, heavier cars.

Jolly

But, of course, despite the fact that the average width of cars is now a good 30cm greater than it was when we were children, we have noted that sometimes the steering wheel gets in the way of the stomach, and that fingers of a good-width sometimes have difficulty with fiddly little buttons on dashboards etc.

Imagine then our relief as word reaches us from a couple of sources that "Supersized Cars Could be on the Way" for the super sized drivers of Aberdeen Cars as luxury car makers look to "Plump My Ride..."

(The Daily Telegraph goes on to use the word 'fat' in the headline, which we think is a bit harsh. As we said, the drivers of Aberdeen Cars tend to be "bigger people"; we are a "good size", jolly and fun, with healthy red cheeks.)

Here's some of the text from the Daily Telegraph article:
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/motoring/news/8845213/Plump-my-ride-luxury-car-makers-create-bigger-cars-for-fat-drivers.html

Luxury manufacturers have begun road-testing the next generation of larger-sized vehicle [which] officials say will allow bigger people to maintain their comfort on the road.
[...]
"People are getting more obese and we want to find out how that limits their range of motion and how our vehicles can adapt to the changing needs of our customers,” Ralf Kaiser, a member of BMW's ergonomics team, told the Sunday Times.
“We know that a lot of overweight and obese people have problems in daily life, and in the car this starts with getting in and getting out. In general, these aren’t sporty people.
[...]
Mercedes has unveiled plans to strengthen grab handles above its doors, in part to help heavier passengers support themselves.
Porsche, meanwhile, is installing “electrically-powered steering columns” on top-of-the-range models that rise when the engine is switched off.
Over the past decade, Honda has widened its seats by up to 2in to accommodate larger bottoms while its new range of vehicles will also have buttons that will allow for so-called "sausage fingers".

Bigger IS Better. Fact.

BP06FFV - Blind Rage

Terrible. How inconsiderate. Really shocking. She must have been petrified. How awful for the driver of this Aberdeen Car reg. BP06FFV who must have been terrified that the blind woman would bump into her nice car, running the risk of scratching it and thus rendering it less nice.


We were pleased to note that the driver chose to repeatedly rev her engine loudly to assertively warn off the reckless selfish blind woman and her aggressive "status dog". Very well done.

Aberdeen Parking

Oh look, a new "how-to" guide blog about best-practice parking techniques and locations for the drivers of Aberdeen Cars. Check it out!

Aberdeen Parking
http://aberdeenparking.wordpress.com/

In the above example, the driver of Audi Q7 SV11THF is shown demonstrating to the blind old lady who's boss and what's what by parking on the pavement and straddling the zig-zag markings. To be sure that the blind old woman got the message, the driver of the Audi was sure to rev her engine as agressively as possible while she occupied the pavement. This is sure to let the blind old woman know that its Audi-driver's tax-Pounds that pay for her guide dog and that she lives only by the gift and goodwill of the aspirational and affluent drivers of Aberdeen Cars. Educational.

"Just Leave the Car At Home" - Insult from Council

http://www.pressandjournal.co.uk/Article.aspx/2543951

THE man in charge of ensuring traffic flows freely in Aberdeen has urged shoppers to leave their cars at home to cut gridlock this Christmas.
Huge crowds are expected at the weekend as thousands of people flock to the city centre.
Infrastructure director Gordon McIntosh ... is appealing to residents to take advantage of public transport and avoid clogging up roads and car parks with traffic.

Unbelievable. That the council civil servant in charge of infrastructure should issue such an edict! Of course, what he fails to realise is that most people aspire to the convenience of personal motor transport, pay dearly for the privilege, provide much employment, contribute greatly in taxes, and then people like this council apparatchik just expect them to ‘leave the car at home’, while their money is spent creating cycle lanes and the like for freeloading cyclists.

The retail sector in Aberdeen "City and Shire" has designed itself around mass-motoring. Our huge city-centre carparks servicing the huge city-centre indoor shopping malls. And, of course, driving about a lot and using lots of petrol supports the oil industry - our major employer. And everyone knows that the retail sector in Aberdeen is one of the key drivers of economic growth - contributing to a real "buzz" in the city providing the vibrancy which will kick-start the economy of the whole country, pulling UK plc out of recession. Not only that, vibrant Aberdeen now has by far the highest house prices in Scotland, and all that economic activity demonstrated by the highly economically active motorists of Aberdeen "City and Shire" as they vibrantly drive about the place helps to keep house prices high, showing the way for the whole of Scotland - what with average house prices in Aberdeen now approaching 20% higher than even Edinburgh!

So, for this Gordon McIntosh to critically undermine the engine of vibrant house-price growth demonstrates beyond any shadow of doubt that he is anti-car, anti-free-market, anti-growth and anti-Aberdeen. But then, what do you expect from a public-sector employee, featherbedded as he is with his gold-plated pension? How dare he presume tell us what to do! If he likes totalitarian communism so much he should move to North Korea, where hardly anyone has a car (coincidence?). Then he'd be happy, wouldn't he?

 

Ultrafast Broadband to Arrive by Road.

Top business development quango ACSEF (Aberdeen City and Shire Economic Future), have, in a stroke of what can only be possibly described as political hostage-taking kung-fu genius, managed to link the installation of broadband internet for Aberdeen to the building of the proposed orbital motorway project - the "Aberdeen Western Peripheral Road" (AWPR).

Yes, those admirably entrepreneurial guardians of economic growth in all our days to come here in Aberdeen "City and Shire" have demonstrated that they will do all it takes to deliver the AWPR, including this form of hostage taking. Latest estimates for the installation of next-generation broadband connectivity in this region are in the area of about £15 million, so we can see the perfect business logic of linking this project to the £700 million motorway bid. A sprat to catch a mackerel, as the traditional fish-industry idiom would put it!

ACSEF's submission to the Scottish Parliament's Infrastructure and Capital Investment Committee is here in PDF form:
http://www.scottish.parliament.uk/S4_InfrastructureandCapitalInvestmentCommittee/Inquiries/ACSEF.pdf
Rita Steven, ACSEF's "Development Manager" gave oral evidence to the Committee on Thursday, but the minutes haven't been published yet. When they are, we'll bring them to you.

Broadband Backbone Router

Now, here at Aberdeen Cars, we don't use the internet and we don't really know what that worldwide web's for. As far as we can see, it's mostly just filth. Either that or political sedition. The fact that our Prime Minister Mister David Cameron so wisely threatened to shut down so-called social-networking sites (whatever they are) whenever there's a bit of civil unrest speaks volumes. Yes, you see, it's the seditionist cyclists and pestestrians - radical commie hippy-vegan-types the lot of them - who tend to like the internet. And - surprise surprise! - these are just exactly the sort of folk who usually oppose major road-building projects like our super new motorway. So we are breathless in our admiration for ACSEF in linking the future of internet infrastructure here to the motorway project, for that's one sure way to get all those stinking hippies on our side! Yes they can have their information superhighway toy, but only if we get our super motorway first, for grown up important people in cars! Naturally, for the clever, important and moneyed people like us, roads and cars are much more important than blogs and tweets - we leave that sort of thing to the little people; the poor, disenfranchised cycling klutzes and pestestrian plebs who can't afford nice cars like ours.

But of course, there are risks. The fact that it's a completely spurious link to make - that high-speed broadband infrastructure does not, in fact, require any sort of new road to be built at all - might be pointed out. Also running that same risk - the risk of being pointed out by the NIMBY naysayers - is the fact that one of the whole big-thing points of the new-economy information and communication technology is that it is a cheap and simple substitution: "instead of", rather than "in addition to" big ticket motor transport projects. And, biggest risk of all, is the fact that the motorway may not ever be built (sad, but true in these austerity times). So to critically link high-speed broadband (cheap and easy) to a roadbuilding project (expensive and difficult) that may be cancelled before any soil is broken risks indefinite delay in installing high-speed broadband for Aberdeen. These ACSEF guys must play a lot of poker! They show that they are prepared to bet the lot - the entire future of modern communication (already so common elsewhere in the world and the UK) in return for our precious Aberdeen Western Peripheral Road. There's not much else left to bet! Let's hope that the so-called active and sustainable transport advocates are too stupid to notice. Surely they are, because if they were clever, they'd have nice cars and want to show them off on a lovely new road, wouldn't they?!

So we admire the people at ACSEF, in particular Rita Steven their development manager, for these are important people who are willing to demonstrate their belief in the gullibility and stupidity of the little people of Aberdeen "City and Shire". Yes, so splendid are ACSEF, and so secure are they in their pomp and power in our city and it's hinterland, that they know that they can show their contempt for the plebs unchallenged. Just like we do.

We just love these people and the way they behave. They show chutzpa, they show boldness. It's just the sort of high-handed clever risk-taking buccaneering capitalistic free-market spirit which has made the business community in Aberdeen "City and Shire" the talk of Scotland!

Good News for the Drivers of Aberdeen Cars: Climate change = "good"

We probably don't have to tell you what a strain it's been, denying the existence of man-made climate change all these years as we drive around the place on Her Majesty's pot-holed highways of Aberdeen 'City and Shire' supporting the local economy by using lots of petrol, providing much employment and contributing greatly in taxes to the exchequer. We don't have to tell you, because, if you are the driver of an Aberdeen Car, you'll have been doing about the same amount of denial as we have.

Yes, we've had to adopt a willfully anti-science stance, which has lumped us in with all sorts of weirdos like creationists, flat-earthers, UKIP and the Scottish Conservative and Unionist Party. Quite difficult, enjoying all the benefits of the technological advances delivered by scientific progress, all the while trying to gainsay everything that scientists discover. We've had to assert that 2+2=3, that up is down, that warming is cooling. It's been like waking up every morning and making an effort to insist that black is white. It's just as well that we're not the sort of poor person pestestrian who has to use zebra crossings!

It's now OK to admit that this is "actually happening".

So, can you imagine our relief when we read in today's Scotsman Newspaper that Global Warming will actually be a really good thing for Scotland! Amazing, isn't it, to read this sort of thing in the press. Heartening, comforting. So much in the media recently, when it comes to the climate issue, has been worrying for motorists. When media outlets worry us by saying that exhaust-pipe emissions contribute to harmful climate effects, causing crop failures, flooding, droughts, mass-migrations, social dislocation, poverty, political instability and on and on - that is, in itself, harmful. Making us motorists worry about our lifestyles, is wrong, because - yes, worry is harmful. No-one likes to feel worried.

But, that's all in the past now, we have no need to feel worried, and no need to mask that worry in anti-science bluster and bravado, for our National Newspaper of Record says that Climate Change is good for Scotland. Amongst the benefits they trumpet in today's article are:

• Fewer winter deaths
• Lower heating bills
• Tourism boost
• Global trade opportunities for Scottish businesses as Arctic shipping routes open
• Viniculture and maize production

So, at last we can put the anti-science anti-enlightenment values of the climate-change denialists behind us and embrace climate change as being a Good Thing. And we here at Aberdeen Cars, and you, the drivers of Aberdeen Cars can look forward to climate change becoming the 'hot topic' (see what we did there?) of conversation around the dinner-party tables of Bridge of Don and Westhill, Portlethen and Kintore, for contributing to a warmer Scotland is obviously a good thing. We can now say it loudly:

We are proud, yes very proud, to drive about a lot and contribute to Global Warming. It's good for business, good for society, good for Aberdeen, good for Scotland. Fact.

We call on the quislings to consolidate progress.

On your behalf; on behalf of the hard-pressed tax-farmed motorists of the car-driven economic powerhouse that is Aberdeen "City and Shire"; on behalf of progress towards more cars on more roads; and on behalf of the quest to deliver ever more wealth and riches into the hands of we Tycoons of Aberdeen, as you probably know we undertake sometimes distasteful work researching the output of the outer lunatic fringe of the so-called "active and sustainable transport" lobby in Scotland. Their newsletters, handouts, nasty little blogs and poorly-designed and coded web-pages are where we must practice our filthy duplicity.

Undertaking this distasteful work, once or twice, we have had to report back from our trips to those outer limits with bad news for the drivers of Aberdeen Cars. So, you can imagine our exultant delight when we notice that vegetarian tree-hugging tax-dogers at Spokes (the Edinburgh and Lothian Cycling Campaign) have got their lycra bib-tight thingiess in a twist at the forthcoming slashing of the budget for "Cycling, Walking and Safer Streets".

 They say:

CYCLING AND WALKING : a Scottish Government 2012-13 disaster

The Scottish Government draft 2012-13 budget, now being consulted on, is a disaster for walking and cycling. Total transport spending rises from £1804m in 11-12 to £1884m in 12-13, thanks to a near £100m boost for trunk roads and motorways from £558m to £655m. In contrast to that huge and growing total, the meagre sums devoted to active travel are being slashed.

Naturally, we are delighted that this is what is coming to pass, what with that big boost in the budget for the trunk roads and motorways which we love.  So far, so good.

But then, Citizen Contributer "Ali" emailed aberdeencars@gmail.com and wrote to us to tell of a potential threat to this enlightented policy of getting shot of this useless contribution of our hard-earned road-and-fuel-tax contributions to freeloading cyclists and pestestrains. "Ali" says:

Dear Mr Skidmark,


It seems budgets are all the rage this week - King Alex and his Merry Men have recently issued the draft one for the Scottish Executive (err sorry I mean Government). Excellent news for the motorist with vastly increased spending on roads and a significant reduction in cycling on "active travel". Yes thats right, less and less for those freeloading walkers and cyclists, AMAZING!


Unfortunately that well known subversive group the "Aberdeen Cycle Forum" seems to be plotting against the government:
http://www.aberdeencycleforum.org.uk/index.php?pf=news.php&nid=136
If we are not carefull this could lead to an overthrow of the car owning democracy that we are, and indeed of King Alex himself. Please publicise this risk through your most excellent publication.


Yours
Ali

Firstly, thanks "Ali" for your contribution, we appreciate it. But please don't worry! The subversive group you mention: the self-styled "Aberdeen Cycle Forum" (ACF) are a nest of quisling pro-motorcar activists and are actually on our side!  

You just have to think about it...

Firstly, their website abounds with the word "challenge": Aberdeen Cycle Forum Challenge, Chief Executive Cycle Challenge, Annual Commuter Challenge. Brilliant! The message is clear - cycling is a challenge, something hard, something difficult and unusual - like mountaineering or world-record attempts.

Secondly, we notice a little bit of friction between ACF and CTC Grampian (another "cycling advocacy" group) over the issue of bike lanes at pedestrian refuge pinch points. We do not propose to examine the esoterica of this arcane dispute, it is enough for us to note that the two groups are at each other's throats over this inconsequential piece of nothing. Divide and conquer; as long as these two groups are busy knocking lumps out of each other over this and other issues, they will not impinge upon the activities of the drivers of Aberdeen Cars. Good.

Sling up a sign. That's all that's needed to keep
the cyclists quiet, and more importantly -
out of our goddam way!

Thirdly, and probably the most clever piece of tradecraft exhibited by the ACF double agents, is that they do everything they can to promote the 'shared use' pedestrian and cyclist infrastructure which we see popping up all over the place in Aberdeen "City and Shire" these days. Everywhere we look there are "Dual Use" paths and "Toucan" crossings. Brilliant. These serve our aims in four ways.

• One - they encourage cyclists to get off our road and out of our way. 
• Two - they make the authorities appear to be doing something green, something for the cyclists, all the while spending the very minimum and not actually doing very much at all in the way of creating suitable new infrastructure for cycling. 
• Three - these dual-use facilities do not reduce the amount of roadspace allocated to cars, while in effect reducing the amount of space available for walking (by forcing cyclists onto the pavement) and marginalising cycling (by treating cyclists as equivalent to pedestrians). 
• And four - they put pedestrians and cyclists into direct conflict, making the cycling experience difficult and making the walking experience unpleasant and dangerous. 

All of this couldn't suit us better! The more the disincentives to walking and cycling which groups like ACF manage to put into place,  the lower the uptake of cycling and walking as transport modes around Aberdeen "City and Shire" and the higher the modal share for cars = good.

Finally, in their newsletter material, ACF are usually keen to picture themselves. In contrast to the trendy aspirational look promoted by successful cycle advocacy groups worldwide (like the infamous Copenhagen Cycle Chic), ACF rock a quite different look.

But which...

...is which?

As everyone in Aberdeen "City and Shire" knows, more cars on more roads is the one and only way to ensure that the necessary economic growth is created to enable Aberdeen to pull the rest of UK plc out of recession. We therefore applaud and thank Aberdeen Cycle Forum for working so hard to put barriers in the way of the uptake of cycling as a mass transportation mode, for their craven kowtowing on behalf of all Aberdeen cyclists to the needs of motor-transport, and for their enviable success in making cyclists look like total out-group arseholes. Thank you very much. The predominance of nice cars on our roads is down to people like you. The abject failure of cycling as a mode of mass transport in Britain is down to people like you. That cycling is marginalised and regarded as, at best, a pastime for children is down to you. That cycling is perceived as a dangerous, difficult, special activity requiring special permission, equipment, planning and a reckless disregard for one's personal safety is down to you. The removal of funds for Cycling, Walking and Safer Streets is down to you. We think you're amazing...

Keep up the good work!

No Congestion Charge For Aberdeen

We're delighted to note that our Aberdonian right to drive as much as we damned well please in the city-centre is to continue unimpeded, at least for the next 5 years - Hooray! And quite bloody right too!

Vibrant

Our council, as you may know, is in financial dire straits and is seeking efficiency improvements, service cuts and new revenue-generation streams to stave off looming bankruptcy. So it was with great trepidation that we clicked open the final draft report on the council's budgeting priorities, for we knew that the implementation of a congestion charge for Aberdeen was in the mix.

The budget document PDF is here.

Imagine our relief when we read that the implementation of a congestion charge for Aberdeen is expressly ruled out! Yes indeed, rather than place a greater burden on the (albeit broad) shoulders of the hard-pressed tax-farmed family motorist going about his lawful business on the streets and pavements of Aberdeen, our council have shown that they know how to prioritise for growth and have instead chosen to recommend the following sources of saving:

• Increasing primary schools class sizes by up to 45% (recommended maximum number of pupils in p3 to be increased from 18 to 33)
• Sacking pupil support assistants
• Shutting five primary and two secondary schools
• Reducing services for the homeless
• Stopping day care for mentally ill people
• Closing re-cycling centres
• Closure of parks and gardens throughout the city, selling the land.

Measures also considered, but down the list of priorities are the closure of all 16 community libraries and the closure of all museums and art galleries for one year. We say that these measures should be implemented immediately. Who needs to read books when you've got Sky Movies3D? And Aberdeen simply does not need the arts. What are "the arts" for, anyway? Sponging subsidies, as far as we can see. All these measures are in addition to those previously implemented which have already had a severe impact upon the provision of services to physically and mentally handicapped people, including children.

But - best of all - is the council's stated aspiration to "Reduce then Stop School Crossing Patrols". Thank goodness for that! Because these so-called "Lollipop Ladies" are nothing but an impediment to traffic flow as we important motorists speed about our business creating economic growth for Aberdeen "City and Shire". It is vital that we are allowed to drive about as much as we damned-well please unimpeded by these busybodies, because Aberdeen's vitality is the engine which will pull UK plc out of recession and lots of motorists driving around Aberdeen is the main contributor to and signifier of that vitality. Lollipop Ladies must not stand in our way! They must be swept into the dustbin of history!

Not only that, but the removal of Lollipop Ladies will also teach our schoolchildren a vital lesson. That lesson being that walking is a dangerous activity for losers only, and makes you look as if you are a member of the underclass. When the Lollipop Ladies are gone, no parent will dare allow their child to walk to school, because it will be seen as being tantamount to child abuse to expose them to such danger! What a relief that all this nonsense about so-called active and sustainable travel and walking to school has been put to bed once and for all!

As a final treat for the deserving motorist, the council has also signalled its extreme reluctance to follow Scottish Government recommendations that Parking Charge Notices (tickets) be increased to £80 - £100.

We commend our council for their pro-motoring anti-everything else stance in these troubled economic times. They are sending out all the right messages; by getting rid of impediments to traffic flow, by ruling out extra charges for blameless family motorists, and by severely punishing the non-motoring underclass they demonstrate that they know a thing or to about getting out of the way of business - particularly when that business involves increasing the demand for petrol - this town's only possible priority. It is perfectly right that our council should seek to victimise the marginalised, the poor, the young, the sick, the homeless, the mentally ill, the handicapped and the elderly - for these people don't usually have cars, and so tend not to be as important as people who drive a lot.

Economic Vitality

UK's Biggest Push to Cut Car Use

Whaaaaat!

Oh. My. God. What a horrible headline?!!

This news arrived in our e-mail inbox from UK greenwashing quango SUSTRANS, who are big on attention grabbing headlines (obviously).

A read of the article here, though, soothed our minds, apparently, this "biggest ever push" consists solely of the fact that, for one year only:

Around 63,000 homes in Cardiff and Penarth are being offered personalised travel advice from Sustrans to help them plan their local journeys on foot, by bike and on public transport. 

After the initial year, if they can get funding, then they might do something else similar in another small corner of somewhere else in Wales.

Can you imagine our relief? Firstly, this "initiative" is in a small local area, in far away country full of people of whom we know nothing. But secondly, and much more significantly, this "project" does not involve doing anything which experience in other countries shows would actually reduce the use of cars: It does not involve a moratorium on the creation of car-parking spaces in towns; it does not involve road-pricing or congestion-charging; it does not involve road closures or roadspace-reallocation; it does not involve a carbon tax and it does not involve the sequestration of our road-taxes for a segregated cycling infrastructure building-programme. In short, this "biggest ever push" to get UK drivers to "just leave the car at home" consists of a couple of hand-wringing veggie do-gooder volunteers schlepping around with carrier bags full of leaflets (see below), knocking on doors in Cardiff, needily begging tax-payers and wealth-creators not to use the car once in a while. And to think, when we saw the headline, we were afraid that SUSTRANS were getting serious!

Of course, we should have known better, because all the evidence points to SUSTRANS being on-side with the Hard-Pressed Motorist. After all, SUSTRANS  heavily promulgate the facts that walking is a special activity, which requires special planning, special food, special equipment and special authorisation. See the SUSTRANS "Stride Guide" (pdf) info-sheet on "how to walk".

http://www.sustrans.org.uk/assets/files/Safe%20Routes/resources/toolkit/SRS_Stride_Guide.pdf

In this amazing anti-walking pamphlet which includes a 5-week countdown checklist for getting ready to walk, SUSTRANS suggests that walkers should consider singing a special song, be made to write poetry, wear fancy dress and eat veggie sausages. And we didn't even make any of that up.

While, of course, it is true that most people who walk are oddly-dressed vegetarian poetry-writers, if anything, we think that SUSTRANS has gone a bit too far this time in lampooning the vegan anti-car fanatics; its difficult to suspend disbelief when reading this satirical broadside. They even go so far as to say that walkers should carry passports!

We're all glad to know that SUSTRANS has a pro-status-quo greenwashing agenda, but this time they have gone too far, they need to calm down their frothy-mouthed rhetoric. We all know that hippy layabout tax-dodging oblimovist walkers and cyclists need to be shown that their so-called "sustainability" is harming the economy, but what we question is whether pushing against them and ranting about their vegan, poetry-writing funny-clothes-wearing is the most considered approach. Baiting walkers in such an immature and hostile way is only going to result in a big "**** you" rather than a considered "yes, you're right, walking is ridiculous, I should be supporting the economy by using our nice cars whenever we can, thus providing much employment and contributing greatly in taxes and giving the place a real 'buzz' of activity."

One thing we do agree with SUSTRANS on, though, is their insistence that walkers carry "a special passport" - like the pass-papers carried by black, asian and mixed-race people in apartheid-era South Africa, it will allow the authorities to swiftly identify the trouble-makers and flag them up for processing.


Look: This is the sort of thing we were afraid that SUSTRANS were about to announce. Thank god that what's happening in Wales just turned out to be a leafletting exercise.

PaveParker of the Week is WVM KS11FVX

Yahay! Congratulations to this week's high-vis clad White Van Man Paveparker of the Week who we spotted demonstrating Full PaveParking outside the newish IQ office building on Aberdeen's "Historic" Jusice Mill Lane. As shown in the photo, the driver attempted to engage with us about the award, but we ignored him, in order to maintain our lofty impartiality when considering the award.

The IQ office complex has a generous loading bay and underground car-park, but - as the WMV demonstrates as he mounts all 4 wheels of his van reg KS11FVX onto the pavement - clearly not generous enough! Special mention is given to this driver for flashing the 'hazards' 'exempts' while on the pavement. We admire this belts-and-braces approach, though we considered docking PaveParking points because he hasn't "flipped the wingmirrors".

Speed Limits

Everyone will have noticed the Government's announcement that they aspire to raise the motorway speed limit to 80 mph. Initially we were very excited by this, for when Aberdeen's new bypass Motorway, the Aberdeen Western Peripheral Route (AWPR) is built, when we roar along the "Fastlink" at 80mph, we will not risk getting any more points on our licence.

But then we thought about this policy in more detail, And, frankly we were disgusted. Firstly, where is the corollary for other types of road? If the government are going to decriminalise going at 80 on the motorway, will they also please legalise going 40 and even 50 or 60 in town? Our endorsement points are mounting up, despite the fact that we pay dearly through road taxes for our right to use Her Majesty's pot-holed highway.

But secondly, and this is the subtle bit, we began to notice something rather sinister in this motorway speed policy. Now, pay attention:

Increasing speeds on a road leads to a proportionate decrease in capacity (i.e. number of vehicles passing a point, per lane, per hour). Braking distance is proportional to the square of the speed. So if drivers are doing 80 mph instead of 70 mph (a speed increase of 14%), the safe braking distance is increased by a factor of (80/70)^2, or about 30%. The lane capacity (ignoring vehicle length for simplicity) is the vehicle speed divided by the separation between vehicles. The throughput of vehicles at 80 mph as a fraction of the throughput at 70 mph is given by:
 (80 / 70) / ((80 / 70)^2)
 = 1 / (80 / 70)
 = 70 / 80
= 7/8 or 87.5%

So that's an immediate decrease in road capacity of 12.5% as a result of raising the speed limit. Shocking!

Seems that, while pretending to be the "motorists' friend" and with Phil "Hoverboard" Hammond declaring that "Labour's War on Motorists is OVER", our Tory government is actually intent on reallocating roadspace AWAY from we hard-pressed motorists. Horrible!

Also, the tragedy of the commons applies - a shared resource which is free to exploit at the point of use will be over-subscribed. All motorists rightly and naturally like to go really really fast; Oh the thrill of speeding along the open road; yes those deserted switchback mountain roads; night-time urban highways; laser-straight racetrack autobahn, like in the car adverts - and the new government policy speaks to this dream of unhindered open-road high-speed freedom. This will, quite naturally, attract more motorists to our newly high-speed motorways where these extra motorists will actually find constricted capacity because of that self-same increase in speeds. The prospect of driving faster will attract more car journeys onto already oversubscribed roads and will actually mean more congestion. This will, in the longer run, detract from motoring and push motorists onto alternate modes of travel. Disgusting!

So, while we naturally and rightly support faster driving, we can only support this policy if:

1. it is rolled out across the entirety of the UKs roadspace, including town centres, school zones and residential areas, and
2. it is supported by a massive increase (at least 12.5%, but better to be 15%, no 20%) in the amount of roadspace in the UK. This means a massive new roadbuilding programme which will bring great benefits of economic growth.

We trust that, during the consultation process, Transport Minister Phil Hammond will take our criticisms and recommendations into account. After all, here in Aberdeen, we know a few things about cars and economic growth!

PaveParker of the Week, SV59VZN

It's great to see that the drivers of Aberdeen Cars are prepared to fight back against the many threats to PaveParking which we reported on on Monday. That's why we were gratified to see this splendid best-practice display of Full PaveParking on Aberdeen's Broomhill Road.

Yes indeed the driver of this Aberdeen Car, a lovely white Vauxhall Corsa reg SV59VZN is fighting back against the so-called politically correct brigade by parking fully on the pavement outside 165 Broomhill Road. This marginalises pedestrians and serve them right too. What do they think they're doing anyway, walking about on Broomhill Road? There's a school nearby, so seeing adults walking about is definitely suspicious. Isn't it? All the more reason to take any measure necessary to prove to these weirdos that they're just not wanted here.

So congratulations to the driver of Aberdeen Car reg. SV59VZN, you are this week's PaveParker of the Week for services to the eradication of pedestrians from the streets of Aberdeen "City and Shire".

PaveParking - threatened?

With thanks to citizen contributor "Iain" for drawing our attention to one aspect of some disturbing developments. "Iain" sent us this photo:

Which shows something truly dreadful. Now, as we all know, PaveParking is not 'all that' illegal. According to the Scottish Government:

Enforcement of footway parking where there is no other parking regulation in force is currently a police matter, under the “causing danger to other road users” and obstruction provisions of the Road Traffic Act (1988) and the Road Vehicles (Construction and Use) Regulations (1986). However, in some cases police forces take the view that they need to observe the vehicle being parked on the footway and then demonstrate that the driver had the intention to obstruct in order to be able to enforce the law, and in practice it is rarely enforced.

So what's going on? What does the hated warden think he's doing? Is he operating as a throwback to the past, and enforcing that informal "no parking" sign painted on the wall? Further contextual research was required.

We seem to remember Lib Dem MSP Ross Finnie was trying to bring forward a "Regulation of 
Dropped Kerbs and Pavement Parking (Scotland) Bill", so we heaved a big sigh of relief when he wasn't re-elected during the Hollyrood poll last year. We thought that we'd seen the end of it. Turns out no, according to newbie local MSP Kevin Stewart, his SNP colleague Joe Fitzpatrick is now championing the bill from within the governing party and Mr Stewart has gone on record as saying that Mr Fitzpatrick has his support in this matter.

Additionally, we note that the UK.gov petition website now carries several petitions calling for the outlawing of PaveParking, and only one which calls for the banning of parking outside someone else's house during non-working hours.

Finally, who can have failed to notice the recent trouble at Aberdeen Royal Infirmary where visitors have been hit with £20 fines for leaving their vehicles on grass verges and pavements?

All in all, this paints a very disturbing picture, we think. A picture of a distopian future where our right to park is severely curtailed by jobsworths operating on behalf of the so-called "PC brigade" and the sinister forces of road-space reallocation. It seems that a tide is turning. There are dark days ahead - vigilance must be our watchword. We here at Aberdeen Cars will monitor the situation and keep you up to date with developments.

Walkodile

This really is the worst thing we have ever seen. Really. Check it out on the website "Walk-o-dile". We saw this item being used by kids in the city's sought-after and ever-popular Ferryhill district the other day and we were just horrified.

Here are some pics:

Yes indeed this is truly horrible. Imagine, a company here in the north east of Scotland - in Aberdeenshire - which has as its main aim the manufacture and promotion of a system which enables young children to be taken outside - without a car! Disgusting. It's a kind of abuse, isn't it? We must assume that these are the children of poor people because otherwise they would be in a car, wouldn't they? In which case, what were they doing in Ferryhill? We considered calling the police.



On the other hand, if children must go outside (and we suppose that in these PC-brigade-dominated days it is necessary to do a bit of greenwashing here and there), there is something to be said for a system that teaches young children that walking about outside is something which requires special planning, special high-visibility clothing, special equipment and special permission. It is not something you can do independently; you are required to be part of a team which is tethered in a rigid and arbitrary hierarchy. Moreover, it teaches these kids that they will, for the rest of their lives, be constrained and chained. Freedom but a dream, they will be forced into rigid and arbitrary hierarchies, ordered where to go and when to go there. It is great that this lesson will be forced upon the coming generation from their pre-school days - by the time they are ready to join the workforce they will be pre-conditioned for unquestioning obediance. Indeed, they will have become dependent upon the constraints and chains which are put upon them from their earliest memory. They will be unquestionably and unquestioningly ready to service capital in the pursuit of endless economic growth. And that's all that really matters, isn't it?

Check out the inventor, she is really clever:

Know your priorities on Great Western Road

Everyone knows that Aberdeen's Bypass, the Aberdeen Western Peripheral Route (AWPR) is much needed. It is long overdue, and it is commonsense that it should be built as soon as possible. The major reasons for building the bypass are:

• It is commonsense
• It is long overdue
• It is much needed
• Everyone know this

All very self-evident. But there are more subtle reasons that that. Yes. One of the things about the bypass which is so very clever is the effect that it will have on traffic going into the city centre. As economic growth is at a premium these days, and because Aberdeen "City and Shire" is the key area to drive the economic growth necessary to pull UK plc out of recession, it is vital that traffic flow into the city centre not be compromised by the bypass. One of the main justifications for bypasses elsewhere is to keep traffic out of town centres - but, our city fathers are wise to the fact that this would send out all the wrong messages. Only by prioritizing traffic flow into the city centre can it be demonstrated that Aberdeen is a city on the up and up - a city that knows where it's going - it's going shopping!

That's why we were pleased to read in the NESTRANS document "AWPR - Locking in the Benefits" (PDF) that east-west traffic flows are to be prioritised once the bypass is built thus making sure that the bypass road does not impact upon the necessity to deliver as much high speed motorised vehicular flow into the very heart of the city as possible. Indeed, it is heartening to know that one of the aims of the AWPR is to deliver an enhancement to the flow of traffic going towards the city centre. You see, at the moment, Anderson Drive - being used as the main north-south road interrupts the flow of traffic going west-east into town. Once this north-south traffic is displaced onto the AWPR, more and more traffic can be directed at higher and higher speed on prioritised routes into the very heart of the city centre.





As the above video demonstrates that so intense has the pressure become on the drivers of Aberdeen Cars to provide the necessary economic growth to lead UK plc out of recession that somethings gotta give!

And yes, we can actually understand and sympathise with the pestestrians who we're told feel intimidated when a busy important motorists bend the rules just a little like this, when the "green man" (who he?) is about to come "on". We can only sympathise a little bit, though, because these people only have themselves to blame. If only they were cleverer, worked harder, had more money, were nicer etc, then they could have a nice car and feel all safe and prioritized at the junction of Great Western Road and Anderson Drive.

Yes we have sympathy (although our sympathy is evaporating a little with each frown, each flap of the hands, each arrogant gesture from these people - why don't they just get their act together and get a car?). Ideally, cars should stop at red lights. But, when there is no by-pass round Aberdeen, there is no alternative but to jump red lights when commuting or rushing to the shops. That is simple fact.

Which leads us to hope that these self same moaning arrogant pedestrian people are not among the ranks of people who are opposing and delaying the AWPR with court orders and other such nonsense. If they are, I have a simple message: You can’t have it both ways!

Either you help expedite a by-pass, or you have to accept red light jumping by traffic going towards the city centre. As demonstrated by the drivers of all these Aberdeen Cars.

PaveParker of the Week! Wannabe WVM in B&Q hire van BJ11FVN

It's been a few weeks, but at last the PaveParker of the Week is back! And, what's more, it's back in one of the "City and Shire's" favoured paveparking spots - Aberdeen's "historic" Holburn Street, just below the new-ish bridge on the Old Deeside Line former railway track path.

Yes, this week's PaveParker is a wannabe WVM. You see, it's not really his or her white van, it's on hourly hire from B&Q. But, this confers an advantage, for this wannabe WVM is not only demonstrating the gentle art of FULL PaveParking, but is also showing the advanced skill of PaveParkVertising too. Brilliant.

Also worthy of note is the fact that this clever PaveParker wannabe WVM has crossed the cycle lane, crossed the double-yellows and used the dropped kerb of the pedestrian refuge crossing to enable the PaveParking maneuver. Graduation to full WVM status cannot be far off!

Subtle Linguistic Conditioning from First Bus

A little while ago, we wrote about the risible and disturbing idea of a bicycle-sharing scheme for Aberdeen "City and Shire" as subtly (un)promoted by local anti-cycling pro-car greenwash outfit GetAbout.

On the subject of this proposal for "Boris's Bikes" in Aberdeen, GetAbout partners FirstBus were quick to issue a statement to local freesheet "Aberdeen Citizen" in which they said:

"We welcome any move which will reduce the amount of traffic within the city centre and which will allow our services to move more freely and speed up journey times for our customers."

At first glance, as one might expect from the world's largest public transport operators, FirstBus appear to be issuing an anti-car rant with this statement. They seem to be saying that cyclists and buses are all in it together to reduce the amount of cars in Aberdeen.

But then, if you look closely, you'll see the true meaning of the statement. The spokesman says "reduce the amount of traffic"; where he means "cars" he says "traffic". The message is clear: bicycles are not traffic, they are something else (what that might be is not specified). Only cars are considered to be "traffic", and therefore only cars can provide the sort of transport which delivers economically active consumers and important business people into the city centre. Anything else is just something we don't, can't and won't understand because its outwith our conceptual framework.

Of course, for every motorist who might (Ford only knows why!) be tempted out of his or her lovely car and onto one of Boris's Bikes, that would be one less car on the city centre streets of Aberdeen. But it wouldn't be a reduction in the amount of traffic, it would be a shift in the kind of traffic - a qualitative shift, not a quantitative reduction. We thank FirstBus for concealing this fact and raising the spectre that the introduction of a bike sharing scheme in Aberdeen would reduce the total number of people entering the city centre, thus impacting the vibrancy and economic viability of our city.

Yes, by their subtle and disingenuous misapplication of the word "traffic" FirstBus have, thankfully, managed to endorse the status quo. They are confirming that cycling is not a form of traffic, and therefore they are confirming that traffic planners should make no provision for cycling. Why should they - when cycling is not a form of traffic?

In Town - Without My Car!

In Town Without My Car

But with my car and/or White Van

Useful local Aberdeen "City and Shire" greenwash outfit "GetAbout" staged an amazing display of plausible-deniabilty anti-cycling fummery at the weekend on the city's Belmont Street. As part of "Alternative Mobility: European Mobility Week" they put on an "In Town - Without My Car!" event. Elsewhere, the event is know as "European Car-Free Day", which is why our city chose to hold the event on a street which is already part of a pedestrianised area. In other places which value economic growth less than we do, they close normal roads for the day! Imagine! Aren't they funny?!

In order to stage the event, many motor vehicles (which are normally banned from Belmont Street and its feeder lanes) filled the streets and the roadspace was hemmed in by crowd-control barriers to create a couple of circuits for novelty-cycling demonstrations involving pre-teen children on recumbants, a clown bike, tricycles, a hand powered bike and other such useless non-transport stuff. There was even a climbing wall. Officials were on hand to ensure that anyone who wanted to participate on a novelty bike was suitably attired with high-vis tabards and crash helmets, which are of course necessary when riding a bike. So great was the emphasis on safety danger that there was an entire stall set up to hand out high-vis tabards.

All in all, we thought that GetAbout's handling of the event was a great success because:

• It greatly reduced the amount of space available to pedestrians in the Belmont Street pedestrianised areas, inconveniencing them and making them blame cyclists.
• It reinforced the impression that cycling is a funny novelty which is mostly just for children. Or clowns on comedy bikes.
• It reinforced the feeling that cycling is a special activity requiring special planning and permission, and necessitating the use of special safety apparel.
• It confirmed the fact that cycling is dangerous - like the rock-climbing demonstration which was run in parallel. Indeed, it seems that, according to GetAbout, cycling and rock-climbing require almost identical safety equipment. Cycling is therefore as dangerous and frightening as rock-climbing.
• Because (as has already been established) cycling is as dangerous and frightening as rock-climbing, it has no place in the city centre. Don't be silly.
• By refusing to close any roads which were not already pedestrianised, the event confirmed that motor traffic will never, never give way to cycling or make space for it as a useful mode of transport in Aberdeen City and Shire, and nor should it be asked to. Don't be silly.
• It insulted people who actually do use bikes in Aberdeen City and Shire, reinforcing their status as an out-group to be regarded with suspicion and contempt.

So, all in all, a great day's greenwash from GetAbout, paying lipservice to cycling while actually pointing out that cycling is at best a laughably comedic novelty pastime for children, but is at worst a dangerous inconvenient menace. Yes, GetAbout achieved all this, with great fanfare and hulabaloo, and all the while did nothing, in fact - less than nothing, to reduce the number of cars in the centre of Aberdeen. Genius. We salute their kung-fu skills!

These vehicles are expected to replace cars by 2020. Hahahaha.

Just right for the commute!

Off to the shops - all she needs is a pannier.

On the way to a business meeting.

All future entrepreneurs will be driving one of these.

A Clown

Children only!